Dh tried to involve Dd, 6, in our argument

[Therehastobeabetterway]

I’ve been ill in bed for a couple of days, any time I am, Dh gets all stressed and angry at me. Yesterday I was asleep all day, literally couldn’t get up and he kept coming up and waking me saying we needed to go to the Drs so he could get a note for work or I needed to come downstairs and sit up, so he could see if I was well enough for him to go to work or not as he had to tell them. I just needed sleep. It happens each time i’m ill, I cannot be ill and recover.
I felt a bit better this morning, so texted down ti him that he could go to work. He said how they were both exhausted after me being in bed for two days (it was one) and how hard it’s been looking after Dd and answering calls from work as to where he is. I just lost it and wrote back how selfish he was, how much pain i’m in, how it happens in all families and they cope and don’t shout at the partner and can cope etc. I said lots of home truths.
I then heard him smashing around and saying how he was going to show Dd the messages and calling to her, he was all emotional and crazy. I ran downstairs to get Dd calmly, she walked in and he started saying to her to see the messages, I said no come on, guiding her upstairs, Dd shouted and said to stop being mean to mummy. Luckily got her upstairs and I said daddy was being silly and parents argue sometimes etc, we then played. She seemed ok, but how do I know for sure and where do I go from here?

Who the hell includes their child in things like this?

That's not true, if you are not a single parent, then the other parent steps up and lets you recover. OP is not BU at all. All that this thread shows is that the bar for men is very low, and women are still expected to neglect their own health just to keep men happy. To hell with that.

We are going to have to agree to disagree then as i think being annoyed while not nice is definitely not up there with other shitty behaviour.
Being annoyed rightly or wrongly is something people are from time to time. Yes you pull up on that behaviour, but depends how far you go as in how badly you word that text.
Agree on the fact that he should not be bothering her constantly and should let her rest up, but maybe he was worried about his job? If he lost his job, then they would probably be in a worse place than now.

But she can't have been woken up all day being asked by him how to parent as the OP has now said the child was in school!

She won't say why he wasn't at work if the child was in school.

I don't see anything about him asking how to parent his own child - he was clearly stressing about his work:
and he kept coming up and waking me saying we needed to go to the Drs so he could get a note for work or I needed to come downstairs and sit up, so he could see if I was well enough for him to go to work or not as he had to tell them.
Not saying he handled it well but he sounds like someone in insecure work worried about losing an income.

While I sympathise with you regarding being very ill and I think it is completely out of order for your DH to involve your daughter in your argument, I have to agree with some posters on a few points.

As your daughter is 6, so not a baby or toddler, I think YABU to expect your DH to stay home, especially if you get sick regularly. I think that's different to a once off, out of the blue, acute illness. If you're sick often, does that mean your DH is the only full-time earner? Then it's even more important that he doesn't miss work or get into trouble about missing work. What would happen if he lost his job? I think you need a plan in place for the next time you get ill.

As someone living with chronic illness, if you know your symptoms will flare up every so often you should try to plan ahead for that. Unless you're very wealthy with plenty of savings and/or your DH has job security, I can see how it might be difficult for him to take time off work to look after your daughter every time you're sick. Especially during school days, surely she'd be in school then?

He could drop her off at school or a neighbour could, if his hours don't match up with school times. If you're sick at the weekend and he has to work, then he should leave breakfast, snacks, lunch out for her and she can watch tv etc. She'd probably love a morning of tv and in the afternoon you could arrange for her to visit a friend. Even if you don't normally allow a lot of tv, screen time or snacks, it's different when you're very ill. You do what you have to to get through the day and then return to your normal routine when you're better. When DH gets home, he should take over everything. The point is, there are solutions that don't involve having your DH miss work if he's the main breadwinner in the family and illness is a frequent occurrence.

There seems to be a lot of resentment coming across in your posts, from both sides. If this is not just a once off and you're often like this with each other, then I think you both have to decide if your marriage is worth saving and try relationship counselling straight away. Otherwise, agree to separate.

Your daughter is going to be affected if she's living in a household filled with tension and resentment. Children notice, even if you try to hide it. Hope you find a solution that works for all of you and you feel better OP.

I don't understand why your DH was at home when your daughter was at school. Surely at a push it would have been preferable for him to go to work and leave early to collect her from school if there's no after school club etc. Why was he at home and bugging you etc? Did you ask him to stay home with you all day? It seems odd.

Yeah she hasn't posted in over 24 hours, since the number of questions about why he wasn't at work if DD was at school became deafening. Hope she's ok though.

The child wasn't even at home!!

Disagree. DH and I both worked and if one of us or one of the DC were ill, we took leave. In fact, we used to argue over who got to take the day off lol. Family leave protection is there for a reason and it doesn't matter if you're the mum or the dad or if you're a working parent with a SAHM/D. The fact is that OP's DH doesn't want to take off work to care for his child, not that he can't.

I realize there are professions where it may be more difficult to take a day off, but that's the employer's problem, not the employee's.

How would he lose his job? She was at school! All he had to do was look after her in the morning and pick her up. He wasn't worried about his job. He was resentful that the OP expected him to actually parent.

What you mean is mothers, right?

Of course she does. These posters are martyrs who snipe at other women because they don't have the gumption to demand better from their own husbands and partners. Crab in a bucket mentality and I hope the OP doesn't let them get in her head.

I said i am not going to reply but here i am!
The fact that he was trying to get a sick note, shows to me he actually was worried about losing his job.
I did mention that he did not handle it well but it is 6 of one and half a dozen other as it seems neither did OP.
As for the child, i do not even know about that as if she was at school, then why would he be worried about being left with her as you say.
Also the personal “ being martyr” stuff i am not even going to acknowledge.
All i know as a team, you try to make things work for all parties involved to ensure the smooth running of life.

You have no evidence for OP not handling it well. She told him to knock off his bad behaviour. Your comments all come across as victim blaming and finding ways to make excuses for him. If that isn't because you are a martyr to your own family situation, then you just enjoy sticking the boot into the OP, which is actually worse.

Kidney stones are more than a bit poorly surely??

There is no evidence she handled it well either to be fair.
i have not excused his behaviour at all, i have mentioned several times that he did not handle it well.
I am not a martyr to my own family as i see that an illness is a vulnerable time for all especially the one who is actually ill. Hence why i think emotions were high for all.
i do not think he should have been annoyed personally just as i do not think she should have texted home truths.
i do feel sorry for her in the sense that you are already feeling low and weak when you are ill and do not need extra hassle.
I also can say i feel sorry for the DH in the sense that he was worried about his job and was trying to sort it out. The fact that he was persistent does seem to me he was worried about losing a salary. He definitely should not have involved daughter in their argument.
All i do think is to draw a line under pressure being there for everyone so both sides made mistakes, how big, only they will know. But to move on, there needs to be a discussion as to how to deal with illness and work etc especially if it will be a regular occurrence.

Absolutely this.

I suspect she hasn’t come back because of the misogynistic pile on from posters who are basically saying she has no right to be ill in bed. Seems clear to me that DH was off work because OP was too ill to be left alone - she made reference to him needing to see her Thursday morning to gauge whether she was well enough for him to go to work. OP made reference to a kidney infection and stones. The symptoms can be very nasty pain, difficulty peeing, high temperature and vomiting. How some posters have interpreted that as ‘a bit poorly’ is really odd.

Also clear in the OP was the fact that she spent Wednesday in bed and texted down to him on Thursday morning that he could go to work. She started the thread Thursday afternoon so by that point had been ill for going on two days. Far too many pedants picking her post apart looking for a ‘gotcha’ when they could simply have read the OP properly and applied a bit of common sense.

What was he sorting out ? He was hassling OP about going to the doctors and getting a sick note - was that for OP or himself, or both ? Either way l’m confused because the first seven days are self certified so they didn’t need one if she had only been ill a couple of days.

Yes i agree with you. It seems that the whole thing is a bit confusing. Even i do not know fully why he needed the sick note but that is why i am wondering if there is something extra. It feels to me that the full story is not getting told.
Just to reiterate, of course he should have manned up and taken the reins.
i was just wondering why he was worried about work if it was just the 1 day. She mentioned it’s happened a few times. So what i was trying to say is, is it chronic? If it is then they will need to re think how they deal especially with child care and it affecting work whenever she is sick.

Also maybe i am stuck on the texts but it seems that DH was trying to sort it all out albeit disturbing her sleep which obviously was not good but it does not seem like he declined to help out with everything. Maybe he was a little annoyed. Which obviously got her back up.
The texts sound like they were a little rude. If she was already annoyed with having been disturbed and was not in the right mind anyway.
She basically said she told him off and gave a few home truths. Reading between the lines maybe, but it sounds like she was very aggressive in her texts hence why he got mad. Again he should not have involved daughter.
But it does sound like there were wrong on both sides. That is the point i was trying to make.

Also i am going to get off this thread. Feels like i am too invested in something in which not being there, would not always be the right way.
Only the OP and her Dh would know exactly what went down and who was correct.
I do take offence to the posters that implied i was victim blaming, a martyr and jealous because i could not stand up to my family or sticking the boot in just because i offered a different perspective.
What a reach!
Hope the OP and Dh manage to work it out.