Dh tried to involve Dd, 6, in our argument

[Therehastobeabetterway]

I’ve been ill in bed for a couple of days, any time I am, Dh gets all stressed and angry at me. Yesterday I was asleep all day, literally couldn’t get up and he kept coming up and waking me saying we needed to go to the Drs so he could get a note for work or I needed to come downstairs and sit up, so he could see if I was well enough for him to go to work or not as he had to tell them. I just needed sleep. It happens each time i’m ill, I cannot be ill and recover.
I felt a bit better this morning, so texted down ti him that he could go to work. He said how they were both exhausted after me being in bed for two days (it was one) and how hard it’s been looking after Dd and answering calls from work as to where he is. I just lost it and wrote back how selfish he was, how much pain i’m in, how it happens in all families and they cope and don’t shout at the partner and can cope etc. I said lots of home truths.
I then heard him smashing around and saying how he was going to show Dd the messages and calling to her, he was all emotional and crazy. I ran downstairs to get Dd calmly, she walked in and he started saying to her to see the messages, I said no come on, guiding her upstairs, Dd shouted and said to stop being mean to mummy. Luckily got her upstairs and I said daddy was being silly and parents argue sometimes etc, we then played. She seemed ok, but how do I know for sure and where do I go from here?

Who the hell includes their child in things like this?

You are both being unreasonable, he shouldn’t have bought her into it and you shouldn’t have gave him home truths via text.

you also claim that you couldn’t get out of bed but then not only got out of bed but started to play. It sounds as if you are being overdramatic over the whole thing.

You can’t imagine that some women have disabilities or long term conditions that cause flare ups that require rest like this? And some of those women might have families that might have to do without them for a day or two?

OP has already said it’s kidney stones. But I can imagine many more scenarios where a mum might need to take a day or two off.

I didn’t get out of bed to play, I played in bed with her, lay down using her teddies to talk

Ah, so you don’t mean both parents, just the mothers because their position in the family is trivial compared to the ever so important Man?

Why shouldn’t fathers just get on with looking after their sick partners and doing the childcare when mum’s unwell? Fact is that many do step up and manage perfectly well.

He's hardly going to sit her down and say he's in the wrong, so no don't let him control the narrative. I suspect pp was correct though that now he knows this tactic works he will use your dd to his advantage again.

But how did it work?

I don't know, one moment you are testing lots of home truths and can't go down as too ill then you run down it it all fully kicks off.
You should have just got up and say downstairs for a while and been normal. That said he's then list the plot and been unacceptable entirely

So sorry you've been feeling so rotten, OP. My exh was always angry and irritable when I was ill. Made it impossible to rest at all. It was one of the many things that prompted me to research emotional abuse. Do read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That and see how much resonates with you.

It can take a long time to realise how abusive a situation is. Reading this and other books eventually gave me the awareness and confidence that it wasn't right or normal.

I remarried last year and my girls were bridesmaids. Dd20 got up and gave a speech which finished with thanking my new dh "for showing me I don't have to be scared of men". I was gobsmacked but so proud.

Not all men are like this and in fact when friends began getting ill a few years ago I was very aware suddenly that it would not be ok for me to need support, physically or emotionally, ever. Not even in old age. I'm so glad I got out. Don't ignore your instincts!

AcrossthePond55 · Today 17:35

You ask if this has 'damaged' your DD. No, not with just the first incident. But what this has taught your NotDH is that dragging her into it works. You came downstairs and got DD. As far as he's concerned 'result!'. So you can expect it to keep happening. Even if you get upset or angry, that's still a result for him, DD is 'elsewhere'. He couldn't care less how that happens.

This post @Therehastobeabetterway

That’s totally unreasonable and unworkable if something unexpected were to happen. I had a cancer diagnosis completely out of the blue, and the treatment is brutal. What on earth would you do in that situation ?

Yesterday I couldn’t get out of bed, today I could and I texted that to him, why do I feel like i’m having to defend myself

It hasn’t gone from anything, Ive already said lots that I was in bed yesterday for one whole day and today said he would be ok to work as I could lie down on the sofa, I’m not better at all but couldn’t cope with the anger anymore

Yes why

This

Yes including today!

Fucking hell. It's not a race to the bottom. If you are ill then you should be resting. What cares if it's one or two days? Most men would rally round and look after their own fucking child without bitching about it!

This is MN. If you post anything even slightly contradictory the pack will descend on it and pick the bones clean - I’ve seen many an OP chased off their own thread because of the utter pedants who are incapable of reading and can’t seem to figure out the ‘see all’ button on the OP, and who argue the same bloody points repeatedly. It fills up the thread, derails it until the original point is lost and the OP gives up.