Dh tried to involve Dd, 6, in our argument

[Therehastobeabetterway]

I’ve been ill in bed for a couple of days, any time I am, Dh gets all stressed and angry at me. Yesterday I was asleep all day, literally couldn’t get up and he kept coming up and waking me saying we needed to go to the Drs so he could get a note for work or I needed to come downstairs and sit up, so he could see if I was well enough for him to go to work or not as he had to tell them. I just needed sleep. It happens each time i’m ill, I cannot be ill and recover.
I felt a bit better this morning, so texted down ti him that he could go to work. He said how they were both exhausted after me being in bed for two days (it was one) and how hard it’s been looking after Dd and answering calls from work as to where he is. I just lost it and wrote back how selfish he was, how much pain i’m in, how it happens in all families and they cope and don’t shout at the partner and can cope etc. I said lots of home truths.
I then heard him smashing around and saying how he was going to show Dd the messages and calling to her, he was all emotional and crazy. I ran downstairs to get Dd calmly, she walked in and he started saying to her to see the messages, I said no come on, guiding her upstairs, Dd shouted and said to stop being mean to mummy. Luckily got her upstairs and I said daddy was being silly and parents argue sometimes etc, we then played. She seemed ok, but how do I know for sure and where do I go from here?

Who the hell includes their child in things like this?

Yes but even on a post like this…how awful

If she's 6 why didn't he take her to school, go to work then pick her up? Why is he needing to take multiple days off work?

Drip feeds are different. OP here has given the relevant information and clarified ‘a couple of days’ several times and it’s perfectly clear what she meant. But she’s still being ripped to shreds because posters can’t let it go and are using it to somehow justify their ridiculous assertion that a woman shouldn’t need to be ill in bed.

I don’t know why but you’re being deliberately antagonistic, yes I do miss work a fair amount and yes it makes life v bloody difficult. I’m not engaging with this anymore

The worst of mumsnet are out in force. You've alluded to having some trauma in your childhood and need to get help for it. When a poster had talked about her life being better without an ex you've gone to ask if they had met someone new. What's wrong in being single? I would always choose that than be saddled with a man like your dh. None of this is your fault. It sounds very much like the resentment has built up and boiled over. Take some time to figure out what you want in life, what your boundaries are and then have a conversation with him.

Your dh is an arse. Christmas of 2023 I was so ill I couldn't get out of bed. I was ill for 2 weeks although not all the time was spent in bed.Dh worked from home (not all of the 2 weeks but when I was at my worst) took care of all 3 kids, cooked and cleaned whilst also taking care of me. Was it hard? Yes no doubt it was but that's what you do when you are partners. We are on the same team and I've had to cancel shifts when he has been too ill to take care of the kids, cooked, cleaned and managed everything else. My sister has a chronic condition and my bil steps up to the plate.

Ultimately you decide how you want to live. Noone should have to point out to you that him trying to involve your 6 year old in an argument could be upsetting for her or that he doesn't rolemodel what you would want for her in terms of a partner. Best of luck op.

Your DH is totally in the wrong here. It doesn’t matter whether you were ill one day or 5 days, the fact is you were unwell and you needed him to step up and look after DD and the running of things. Whilst that may be inconvenient that’s life and he should’ve just got on with it without complaint!

As to involving your DD in the argument, that is emotional abuse. I think when you are better you need to have a serious conversation with him so this situation doesn’t arise again.

Would it be good for him to say something to dd? I’m just more worried about her

I am surprised to find myself (all pro keeping family together) say - dump him. We are none of us getting younger - what will happen if you really need help in your old age? Abuse and neglect? This is not a good sign for the future.

Essentially, he's a selfish prick with the emotional intelligence of a potato.

He definitely reacted like a dick, no question, but your daughter will be alright. I hope you feel better, it sounds deeply rubbish.

As for DH, Did you tell him yesterday that you needed the whole day so he could let work know? Did you engage at all with his questions? If he had work ringing him and he'd said maybe he'd be in later because he thought you might be alright after a lie in? If he genuinely just wanted to know what to say to work and you were dismissive of that then I can see why he was irritated. Perhaps he was really needed and let his team down or something. Hard to judge without more info.

What did you say in the text message? "Home truths is vague". Did you say anything terrible? No name-calling?

If you engaged in the first place and were fair in the message then there are no mitigations and he can get in the bin and you should absolutely find someone better.

No, I don’t see why him talking to DD will help - unless you think he will genuinely apologise and understands what he did wrong. That doesn’t sound likely.

And to folks giving OP a hard time - I’m the type of person who works late feeling grim and then discovers she’s got Covid. But kidney trouble and the accompanying nausea floored me. I spent most of one day in bed - if you have never experienced the delights of kidney trouble you are very lucky.

OP you’ve got yourself a useless DH who is enraged by his DW being ill. He needs the bollocking of his life - when no DC are present.

So mean.

He knew by looking at me in the morning that he wouldn’t be in, today he could have.

I said lots of awful things in the text, because he treated me like shit when at my worst and most vulnerable

It's interesting the 12% that think it's ok to drag a child into this, and that abuse is ok. More men on Mumsnet these days, and it shows. Depressing.

I think a tirade by text was u reasonable. I think he was unreasonable.
You can't help being ill, if you are not mobile you can't help it but maybe the argument via text was unnecessary would have been better to ask him to come up. That said he's in the wrong for giving you a hard time when ill.

Actuator can.
I woke up this day feeling great.
By 10.30 I was sick in bed.
By 4.30 I was in the Dr's.
By 5.00 I was in hospital.
Sickness come on quick and it can be life threatening.
They thought I had a stroke.
I was in hospital for 2 weeks.
My youngest was 7.
Turns out I had a brain aneurysm, diabetes, and a blood disorder.

It doesn't matter how sick you are,your partner should have your back.

Do you think he was using work as an excuse to wake you up? Or do you really think he was stressed about not going in, it affecting his performance etc. Does he have the sort of job where him not being there causes a world of shit and he's worried about repeatedly letting them down?

If he was genuinely worried about work, and not just slacking then the awful text was perhaps a bit much. Especially if you could have answered his questions if you were awake but chose not to? That's deliberately unhelpful.

He then ran a steamroller over any moral high ground by trying to involve your daughter though of course.

Being a health care worker has zero relevance, this is about parenting and impacting a partners job security though opting out of even the absolute basics repeatedly.
Someone can rest in between a few minutes a few times a day doing the essentials, especially on a school day where the the child isn't there for 6 hour and the parent can sleep uninterrupted during that.

In future don't be abusive over text messages, explain to your daughter together that you were mean because you were tired and it's no excuse and youre sorry, dad reacted to that when he should have ignored you until you'd calmed down and he shouldn't have reacted, and that you're both sorry.

No, as I said parents. No man should be repeatedly laying in bed to the point his wife's jeopardising her job and then sending abusive text messages either. Obviously it's not acceptable from a woman or a man.

They can't if it's a long term illness.
It's not a cold.
I really hope you don't experience some long term illness that can flare out of nowhere.

It's not under control.
Her DH should understand it.
And the only person opting out is her dh.
He's undermining her and bringing their 6 year old dd in to it.

We're you both off work and he didn't bother taking her to school?

Could he not have taken her to school and gone to work if he can't cope with one 6 year old?!