Dh tried to involve Dd, 6, in our argument

[Therehastobeabetterway]

I’ve been ill in bed for a couple of days, any time I am, Dh gets all stressed and angry at me. Yesterday I was asleep all day, literally couldn’t get up and he kept coming up and waking me saying we needed to go to the Drs so he could get a note for work or I needed to come downstairs and sit up, so he could see if I was well enough for him to go to work or not as he had to tell them. I just needed sleep. It happens each time i’m ill, I cannot be ill and recover.
I felt a bit better this morning, so texted down ti him that he could go to work. He said how they were both exhausted after me being in bed for two days (it was one) and how hard it’s been looking after Dd and answering calls from work as to where he is. I just lost it and wrote back how selfish he was, how much pain i’m in, how it happens in all families and they cope and don’t shout at the partner and can cope etc. I said lots of home truths.
I then heard him smashing around and saying how he was going to show Dd the messages and calling to her, he was all emotional and crazy. I ran downstairs to get Dd calmly, she walked in and he started saying to her to see the messages, I said no come on, guiding her upstairs, Dd shouted and said to stop being mean to mummy. Luckily got her upstairs and I said daddy was being silly and parents argue sometimes etc, we then played. She seemed ok, but how do I know for sure and where do I go from here?

Who the hell includes their child in things like this?

Texting down because I was in bed

How much work has he had to miss as presumably your 6yo has been at school?

You’re so lucky x

What a twat.

Goodness knows who the idiots are who have voted that this is reasonable.

That's not lucky.

Any normal person/housemate would do that.

OP the point I was trying to make is that this is a normal marriage. Picking up for each other when one is struggling. Yes I am lucky but I also think this is what marriage is.

@SchrodingersTwat2 exactly

I haven't voted but op's behaviour contributed to the situation. If my partner was texting me criticism from bed and saying they were too ill to leave bed for days at a time, to the point I had to miss work, I wouldn't drag our child into it, but I'd be pretty bloody angry.

That’s what I think too…why can’t he do it, why does it make him so stressed and angry

Tbh you both ABU. I’ve only ever been so ill once that DH needed to ring in to work (food poisoning) where as this sounds like something that happens with regularity. And vice versa. DH has a number of health conditions which means he’s in considerable pain but just gets on with it. I think if you’re so ill that you can’t function as a parent for a few days (you said a few days in your OP) then you should consider getting some medical advice. And I’ve also suffered with kidney stones so talking from a place of experience. I also think the texting thing is just weird. Your DD is 6 hardly a baby that can’t be left downstairs for 2 mins while you have an adult conversation.

I think your DH is an absolute arsehole for involving your DD and shouting. No excuse and something that needs to be addressed. Completely irrational from both of you imo

It was one day in bed, one day that he had to take care of things and in that one day he was storming around angrily and constantly waking me up, rolling his eyes at my sick bucket and having to clean it, even though I said to leave it I was doing it, all just horrible, that’s not love or care

@Therehastobeabetterway Welcome to AIBU, this thread is better posted in the Relationships board as you are finding out that some women are never ill and how very dare you be ill. I get it.

In short your Dh treats you like an appliance and when you break (become ill) he gets angry because he is expected to parent his child and miss work. Caring and loving husbands understand that people get ill and occasionally have to cover the role of the other parent.

Ive been ill a few days but been to work through it (I often have to work through it) until yesterday I was in bed after being sick all night

YA both BU.

Yes, he shouldn't have involved your DD and that needs to not happen again.

But, in his shoes, if I'd had to take a day off work and then received a load of abuse (over text, none the less), I'd feel annoyed too.

You both need to apologise and move on from it.

Why didn't you just text him to ask him to come upstairs?

Texting is a tricky way to communicate. You lose all the context of tone of voice, facial expression and body language. Consequently it causes misunderstandings and unnecessary offence and arguments. I swear that AIBU would be about 10% as busy if people actually communicated face to face.

I didn’t have the energy for him to come up and have a huge argument

My exh was like this. Couldn't cope when I was ill. Couldn't (still can't) cope with poorly kids either.

Some highlights include
Him getting arsey when I left him with the kids for 30 minutes to go and get a flu jab.
Involving our ds1 in an argument, encouraging him to tell me that I was being silly and immature for being unwell.
After we broke up, for awhile he was only having the kids 1 in 3 weekends. One of the weekends happened to coincide with ds2 recovering from a stomach bug, but he was mostly better. I went away for that weekend. He left me a voicemail telling me ds2 was so unwell that he would have to go to hospital. I called him back in a panic. Ds2 had... vomited once.

I am very glad to see the back of him.

Is life much nicer now, did you meet someone else?

In your OP you clearly said it was a couple of days and that anytime that happens your DH gets annoyed which implies it has happened multiple times.

I'd be annoyed if DH did this multiple times but your DHs reaction is unacceptable.

Probably the same people whose attitude seems to be ‘how dare you be ill in bed, you’re a parent’ . Not to mention the holier than thou ‘I’ve never once spent a day ill in bed’ and the armchair doctors telling OP kidney infections and stones are as nothing. I seriously don’t understand why people post here for advice any more. Inevitably the focus turns to a minute detail of the OP and a pile on ensues.

Another useless article. Why are there so many?🤷‍♀️

Hope you're feeling better, and you're little girl's ok

Why in gods’ name would you be annoyed with your DH for being genuinely ill ?

I honestly thought people would be supportive, I can’t see how this is my fault in any way at all

‘Yes, I can imagine it being stressful about missing work, but surely with families, these things happen’

Is that his employer’s view?

I was in bed yesterday and today, this morning I said i’d be ok and he could go to work