Dh tried to involve Dd, 6, in our argument

[Therehastobeabetterway]

I’ve been ill in bed for a couple of days, any time I am, Dh gets all stressed and angry at me. Yesterday I was asleep all day, literally couldn’t get up and he kept coming up and waking me saying we needed to go to the Drs so he could get a note for work or I needed to come downstairs and sit up, so he could see if I was well enough for him to go to work or not as he had to tell them. I just needed sleep. It happens each time i’m ill, I cannot be ill and recover.
I felt a bit better this morning, so texted down ti him that he could go to work. He said how they were both exhausted after me being in bed for two days (it was one) and how hard it’s been looking after Dd and answering calls from work as to where he is. I just lost it and wrote back how selfish he was, how much pain i’m in, how it happens in all families and they cope and don’t shout at the partner and can cope etc. I said lots of home truths.
I then heard him smashing around and saying how he was going to show Dd the messages and calling to her, he was all emotional and crazy. I ran downstairs to get Dd calmly, she walked in and he started saying to her to see the messages, I said no come on, guiding her upstairs, Dd shouted and said to stop being mean to mummy. Luckily got her upstairs and I said daddy was being silly and parents argue sometimes etc, we then played. She seemed ok, but how do I know for sure and where do I go from here?

Who the hell includes their child in things like this?

Why does OP have to apologise for calling out her DH for being a dick while she was ill ?

I don’t know, but what is the solution if I’m that ill

He's a cunt.

This is ridiculous- it doesn’t work like that- the vast majority of illnesses do not require hospitalisation and can also occasionally be bad enough that you are bedridden-people get flu and have to ‘stay in bed all day’ and are nowhere near needing hospital attention

OP was really poorly, trying to sleep in order to recover and he kept disturbing her.

You're as unreasonable as him.

DO NOT listen to any of the posters saying you are in any way at fault for any of this.

Your husband is abusive and it will eventually affect your daughter if you stay with this absolute waste of space. He can't even let you rest in bed for the day and look after his daughter. Nah, get rid. He's less than useless.

I read most of your op thinking you were talking about a dc. I assumed you were talking to a small person who could be expected to find it hard to put someone else first at times. This is the person who is supposed to CHERISH you. I can’t help but wonder if someone else modelled such cruelty as a normal part of a relationship. It really isn’t. It’s a sign of deep issues that you won’t have any power over.

I can't imagine being unable to drag myself out of bed for multiple days and not think I might need a doctor/hospital.

My DH gets up v early for work so if I wake up and feel awful I still have to do the school run before coming home to crash on the sofa. I'd expect him to do it if he was there though obviously and wouldn't expect him to be an utter dick about it like OPs DH has been.

You would be angry with your partner for being ill and in bed?

Because he sees it’s as your job and he’s pissed off that you’re unwell and he actually has to parent. I bet he usually does the bare minimum/nothing.
I hope you feel better soon! The way he treated you and your daughter is disgusting. She must have been frightened.

He kept coming upstairs and waking up yhe op.
Would have made more sense for hom to leave her alone and rest.
Then maybe the op would have been able to get up.

Plus the child is 6,well able to be put in front of the telly for one day.

Your dh is a sick what's he like when he's sock @Therehastobeabetterway .

If this was yesterday and today and the child is 6 would she not be at school?

Your husband was out of order, but sounds like you are too, expecting him to take time of work because you're a bit poorly !! Think you both need to grow up.

Here's your medal 🏅

🙄

My ex was exactly the same, could not cope. I regularly get tonsillitis, throat infections that knock me for 6. One occasion I was really ill I asked him if he could leave work 30 mins earlier to get the earlier train to collect son from nursery, I managed to drop him in the morning have no idea how, I shouldn't have bothered to ask he told me no, he can't he wanted to go to the gym.

Swings and roundabouts, he should allow you to recover, and get on with it for the day I'm sure his employer has a policy for such emergencies/situations.
He's a dick for involving your daughter I agree with others that's emotional abuse - once it's starts, it may never stop

He is an abusive arsehole.

Abusive to both you and to dd.

Ignore those nit picking and saying “oh but you shouldn’t have text him home truths” - everyone has a snapping point - and he wanted you to snap.

You don’t need to give him any chances, make him see any doctors or anything of that kind. You just need to take steps to leave him.

As a pp has said, he sees you as an appliance that was malfunctioning and therefore needed to be forced to do its job. He didn’t see you as a human worthy of sleep and rest.

If he’s capable of seeing you in that way, there’s no helping him and you just need to leave.

He is involving your dd because he is using her as a tool to get to you, knowing you care about her feelings in ways that he does not.

For saying he's despicable and pathetic? Thanks!

It wasn’t multiple days, it was one day

OP shouldn't have said a couple of days then.

How do you get OP was a bit poorly from her post when she said she was trying to recover in bed?

And why does OP need to grow up. She's married to an abusive piece of shit who can't even look after his own daughter.

Honestly, so many martyrs and male apologists on this thread 🙄

He’s an arse. I had a stomach infection and DH picked up everything in the house. He even cancelled my hairdressing appointment. He did the washing, hoovering, shopping and brought me water. I thanked him and he looked at me like I had 2 heads and said ‘I’m a grown man I think I can run a house on my own!’

My dad used to drag my brother and me into arguments and it was awful and also made you feel guilty. This won’t be his only abusivd trait I can guarantee. It had me and my brother our whole lives. I’d leave him.

well: thats a bad take.

@Therehastobeabetterway

You ask if this has 'damaged' your DD. No, not with just the first incident. But what this has taught your NotDH is that dragging her into it works. You came downstairs and got DD. As far as he's concerned 'result!'. So you can expect it to keep happening. Even if you get upset or angry, that's still a result for him, DD is 'elsewhere'. He couldn't care less how that happens.

My DH 'managed' to handle our two when I was ill (or gone). That includes times when I was ill for 2 or 3 days. He coped just fine with a 6 year old and a 1 year old. I'm sure my DC had a bit more TV time and a bit less 'healthy meals' when I was out of commission, but that's just fine. Your H coping with a 6 year old should be no trouble. A 6 yr old needs supervision and food prep, but they can dress, eat, and toilet themselves and usually can entertain themselves.

But the bottom line is, now that he knows it works, you can expect him to keep doing it. And since it's not fair, healthy, or right to DD for you to sit back and let it happen to teach him it doesn't work, the only thing to do is to either end the marriage or to tell him that it's a dealbreaker if it ever happens again. But be aware that it probably will and you'll have to end the marriage when it does anyway.

I rather think it’s for the smug declaration that neither you or your DH have ever been ill in bed. Congrats. Not everyone is as lucky.

No