Can we stop talking about men being trapped?

[ForRealCat]

Just from another few threads; we talk about women getting pregnant either intentionally, or accidently and carrying on against the mans wishes and how it "traps" the man. I can see how decades ago this may have been the case, women would get pregnant and any 'decent' man would be expected to step up and marry her. Thus securing a husband and a degree of financial security.

Nowadays I can see why a woman may get pregnant intentionally against her partners wishes, (maybe she wants more kids, feels like se is missing her chance etc), but can we stop talking about "trapping" a man. Very few men nowadays will wed a girl just because she is pregnant, and the financial support he is obliged to provide is to support the child and not the mother.

Very few women find themselves financially better off getting pregnant and claiming child maintenance. So AIBU to think the 'trapped' narrative has had its day.

If you think some women don't lie to their partners saying they're on the pill when they're not in order to get pregnant against his wishes then you've lived a very sheltered and naive life.

No it's still trapping him because he's trapped into paying for a human being he didn't agree to. He's also tied to that woman whether he likes it or not, for the next 18 years, through having to communicate about the child etc.

The pill isn't 100% reliable though.

This has been done to death but I know of at least two friends who did this to their husbands - assured them they were sorting contraception and then a “whoops how did that happen?” pregnancy 🙄

Women should be able to talk about what they want without anyone trying to silence them OP.

Plus if you're so dead against it, it wasn't really a wise choice of thread subject, was it?

I didn’t say anything about abortion. I was talking about contraception.

And how stupid/irresponsible some women are, not protecting themselves from conceiving a baby with a man who doesn’t want them or the child. 🙄🤷‍♀️

It takes two - both should protect themselves against any unwanted results.

If only people didn't lie about something so big in what is supposed to be a trusting relationship.

When I see someone saying a person was trapped with a pregnancy, I've never seen it as trapped into marriage, rather trapped into parenthood. That does happen and I've known it personally a couple of times (all confirmed by the pregnant woman, definitely not just an assumption).

Maybe people are meaning this. Not marriage related at all, which I agree, a pregnancy definitely does not trap someone into!

It definitely isn't reliable when you pretend to take it because you want a baby.

But did they also use a condom or not?

It is mindblowing to me that if you don't want children that you would place 100% of the responsibility for that not happening on another person.

In my marriage, I am the one who is adamant that I do not want children, DH is more ambivalent. I could not imagine DH having sole responsibility for us not getting pregnant. Even if DH wore a condom each time, there's no way I'd give up control over whether we'd have a baby or not. And yet so many men seem happy to make it their partner's responsibility/problem.

@SouthLondonMum22

Why do you have no expectation that a man should take control of their fertility?

So what if a women says she's on the pill. It's not 100% effective. That's well known.

Why do men not play their part in preventing pregnancy?

Aaaahhh, poor naive and trusting men, ensnared by all these terrible women...instead of just being responsible for their own lives.

I do know a number of married women who "accidentally" got pregnant with a third child which the DH definitely did not want. They said they were on the pill but had stopped. Having children in a stable, loving relationship should be a mutual decision. It isn't a woman's right to press ahead regardless.

It isn't going to be effective at all if she is lying about it.

Why do you have no expectation of honesty in a relationship?

I imagine the number of women who are able to get pregnant to a man who is taking responsibility for not having a child is vanishingly small.

Again, if a man, even in a stable relationship, one hundred percent wants no more children, then he should have a vasectomy, wear a condom, or accept that accidents might happen.
Of course some women may come off the pill and not tell their husbands, which is wrong, but men have to accept that if they want control over the amount of children they have it is THEIR responsibility and no one else's.

Yes.

But that doesn’t mean men shouldn’t use condoms

They told you outright they deceived their husbands did they?

Agreed.

The difference is men know they can’t force women to have abortions so it’s even MORE in their interest to ensure protection is used, yet few want to use condoms

And then play the "victim" if there is an unwanted pregnancy.

It's baffling to me that a man could be so adamant they don't want a child but leave the responsibility for making sure it doesn't happen to someone else.

In the unlikely event that the woman pokes holes in the condom, and that she's therefore hoping that the man will get her pregnant, then OK he's been "trapped".

But otherwise he's been stupid (not using a condom) and he deserves any "trapping" being done!

They could use condoms.

Exactly. I was financially trapped in a relationship for a long time.

No, my ex should not have done that to me, I should have been able to trust him. The majority of blame falls on him.

But I also did not have a way of escaping a relationship that became financially abusive. I did not sufficiently protect myself in the first place and that was my mistake, one I won’t ever make again.