Boyfriend has gotten ex girlfriend pregnant and wants me to keep things quiet about our relationship

[Chanjh25]

I’m posting this here to be told straight basically as I don’t really have any family and friends that know what’s going on in my life so please just tell me how it is Hi girls I really need some advice because I feel honestly crazy here
So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years we split up a few months back for 2-3 months but was in contact with eachother throughout and had slept together a few times still..
To then for us to decide to sort things out properly things was good for a few days until I found out he had slept with his ex.. didn’t mention anything to me but when I found out said he was ‘honestly going to tell me’ was acting off anyway before I found out accusing me of not being trust worthy and that I’m acting ‘shifty’ turned out to just be him.. to then a couple of weeks later he wants to tell me something SHES PREGNANT… she still loves him and is infatuated with him and I’ve told him he’s just relit an old flame in her and she just won’t leave him alone she’s become abusive to me too.. now I was willing to forgive him and try to get over everything that’s happened (the self esteem is clearly next level for me isn’t it😑)
So again we tried again but he’s telling her we aren’t together and wants me to stay quiet about us as he has kids with her and she’ll ‘ruin his life’ so I found out yday he’s been telling her we aren’t together so obvs I’ve hit the roof and now ‘I’m done your crazy’ bla bla bla AM I BEING MANIPULATED cuz I also feel like I’m the bad person right now 😭😭😭 he’s saying that the reason why he doesn’t want her to know just yet is because of the stuff she says and causes but also so that we can have time to ‘bond’ again just any advice 😭

You didn’t need to clarify that OP
it is abundantly clear by you even starting this thread

You call her an ex girlfriend but they have child(ren?) together & another on the way so it was clearly more than that.

@Chanjh25

I'm so sorry for everything you went through as a child, that is utterly horrific.

Have you had any counselling to talk through it in a safe space with a professional?

It could be life changing for you and stop the cycle of abuse.

Your life doesn't have to include a single bit of abuse any more. You're in control now

Fuck that.

@Chanjh25 that's truly awful.

You need to get rid of this sorry excuse for a man, and embark on some therapy to deal with all that you have been through, and to ensure you never end up with a wrong 'un like him ever again xx

He is just lowlife scum and if you stick with him you will be too.

I’m sure it’s been written before but I’m not going to read through 10 pages of this - RUN RUN RUN LIKE YOUR LEGS ARE ON FIRE - FFS - just keep running……

You really don't want to be with a man who's go to answer for dealing with problems he's created is to lie and deceive and encourage others to do the same. Because you just know that you'll be on the receiving end of that one day, if you're not already.

She isn't just an ex though. She isn't even an ex. She's the woman he has an ongoing relationship with. She's the woman he is having another baby with. She's the mother of his children. She will always be part of his life. You are the woman in the background.

I think you need to understand that the fact that you know this and that it was so wrong to treat you this way is just about half the battle. Get into counseling. If you've had it before, try again. Sometimes we have to see a few counselors before we find the one that is the right fit for us.

A good counselor will help you work through your feelings about all these things and put them where they belong in your mind. Then you'll be able to, if not lock the door on them, at least to gently close the door. It's not easy, and it will be painful. But you are worth it and you will be free of a past that was not your fault and is holding you back.

He tells you he loves you and wants to be with you whilst having unprotected sex with the mother of his children 'whenever he feels like it.'
You are being played. (And so is she.)
It hurts but it's a valuable life lesson.

Pick yourself up, block all means of contact and walk away for good.
Promise yourself you will never allow any man to undervalue you again.
Invest in you and rebuild your self-esteem.
In 3 months/6 months/12 months you'll look back and think 'what the hell was I thinking?'

And I wouldn't get hung up about her. No doubt he's told her the same things he's told you. And she is tied to him via their children and she's pregnant to him again, whereas you at least are free to walk away. Have some empathy, smile and don't get involved in spats.

Get rid ! he should be begging your forgiveness and trying to make it up to you not trying to hide your relationship like it was a dirty secret. this is a toxic situation and is not going to get any better .

@Chanjh25 I am truly sorry for how horrific your childhood was. And how hard it is for your to model healthy relationships or responses as a result. You deserve so much more than the people you’ve encountered until now.
You have the power to leave all of that behind you. You have the power to rebuild your self esteem and have a life that is happy and peaceful and full of love. But is has to start with the first hard step which is recognising there’s something in this dynamic that’s attracting you to it. Drama. Dysfunction. If you can ‘win’ his love it proves you are better than his ex. Worthy of love. It’s like drinking poison in a bid to live forever.

Don’t engage with him. Don’t feed the drama. Start your new life today.

You don’t love him. You love who you want him to be. And if you’re not careful you’ll waste years chasing someone who doesn’t exist.

Leave him. He doesn’t respect you and you need to take over and respect yourself more

this will be so messy and totally not worth it

Listen love, I know it's been said many times over, I know it's easy to say and sometimes a lot less easy to do.
But you need to just cut this one out of your life, forever and completely.
Nobody needs that shite. Be brave and make a clean break. You won't regret it.

I say this coming from a place of kindness but do not waste your life on this looser op. Get out whilst you can

@Chanjh25 can you be really clear and specific about what you mean by "loving" this man?

It might help you untangle some of your attachment with him.

I love the definition (from bell hooks) of "love" as an activity. It's not a "feeling" or a "thing" that you have no control over. It needs to include these 6 ingredients:
Care: Extending yourself in some way to nurture yourself or others
Commitment: Practicing intentional love every day, rather than expecting it to be there without effort
Knowledge: Being genuinely curious about the people around you and accepting of who they are
Responsibility: Understanding the immense power that love holds over people’s lives, and wielding that power wisely
Respect: Giving the love you expect to receive back
Trust: Being vulnerable and true to yourself and others; and, being gentle with the vulnerability others show to you

Step away from him completely. Get your financial situation sorted if you are enmeshed with his e.g shared car, accomodation. Don't shout scream demand or get involved in the "drama". Ghost him. Block him. If he is trying to contact you ignore him. If he refuses to stop trying to contact you just inform the police for harassment. He is lying, he is dismissive of your views and opinions and he is manipulating your feelings. he will message you and tell you you are the problem and give you backlash....ignore it all and give one text if necessary "It is over". You trust him and he uses that to hurt you repeatedly. He is failing you. You are not failing him as he is trying to make you believe

Seriously your blaming her....Jesus...he never left her stop lying to yourself it didn't take him 4/5 weeks

Sorry you split with him but hooked up for sex ....that's fucked up.

I hope you've had a sd test condom or not.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He's a liar. You will never be able to trust him fully.

So he’s abusive and you’re with him why?

When you were a little girl and growing up, you were deserving of a loving, stable, supportive home life. Clearly, you were deprived of that and suffered some bloody awful things.

The trouble is that type of background distorts what we perceive as normal, acceptable behaviour and usually means we grow up with inadequate boundaries.

NONE of this is your fault.

You were a child then and had no agency; whereas you are an adult now and you are in charge of your life.

Look up articles on setting healthy boundaries. Also, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). There are hundreds of articles online for both - read and absorb.
(I'm not saying btw your ex has NPD but he does have some strong narcissistic traits.)

Once you've done that, you'll be able to spot a narcissistic twat at 100 paces; and your boundaries will be so strong, he wouldn't stand a chance with you anyway. X