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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend has gotten ex girlfriend pregnant and wants me to keep things quiet about our relationship

358 replies

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 12:20

I’m posting this here to be told straight basically as I don’t really have any family and friends that know what’s going on in my life so please just tell me how it is Hi girls I really need some advice because I feel honestly crazy here
So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years we split up a few months back for 2-3 months but was in contact with eachother throughout and had slept together a few times still..
To then for us to decide to sort things out properly things was good for a few days until I found out he had slept with his ex.. didn’t mention anything to me but when I found out said he was ‘honestly going to tell me’ was acting off anyway before I found out accusing me of not being trust worthy and that I’m acting ‘shifty’ turned out to just be him.. to then a couple of weeks later he wants to tell me something SHES PREGNANT… she still loves him and is infatuated with him and I’ve told him he’s just relit an old flame in her and she just won’t leave him alone she’s become abusive to me too.. now I was willing to forgive him and try to get over everything that’s happened (the self esteem is clearly next level for me isn’t it😑)
So again we tried again but he’s telling her we aren’t together and wants me to stay quiet about us as he has kids with her and she’ll ‘ruin his life’ so I found out yday he’s been telling her we aren’t together so obvs I’ve hit the roof and now ‘I’m done your crazy’ bla bla bla AM I BEING MANIPULATED cuz I also feel like I’m the bad person right now 😭😭😭 he’s saying that the reason why he doesn’t want her to know just yet is because of the stuff she says and causes but also so that we can have time to ‘bond’ again just any advice 😭

OP posts:
Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 15:05

Over40Overdating · 30/01/2025 14:15

Does he have a magic cock that he’s got two women making doormats of themselves over him?

He’s immature, untrustworthy and likely to fall dick first into the nearest woman every time you break up - which will keep happening.
Do you honestly think it’s the first time he’s shagged his ex and it was just bad luck she got pregnant after years apart on a one night stand?

You might love him but he doesn’t love you and if you don’t start loving yourself more, you’ll be sat on the sidelines whilst he plays happy families with his ex and a new baby whilst you are told to be happy for crumbs and shouted out for having feelings.

A man who acts like this can’t be the only man in the world you can be in a relationship, surely?

Yeah he's openly admitted tbag he has 2/3 things on go when ever he's single or gets out of a relationship but as soon as I mention to him that I will find someone who treats me better he don't like it more then likely because it's true but unlike him I do t need to go have meaningless sex with one never mind 2 or 3 men, I can be on my own and he knows that but I'm not going to be! I'm going to go and have all the fun I was having before he come into my life and ruined everything I had built for myself my self esteem my confidence my energy my motivation my personality all of it gone

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 30/01/2025 15:08

Never ever trust a fuckboi.

sonnunny · 30/01/2025 15:08

Run and never look back

LIZS · 30/01/2025 15:08

Was he ever really with you, or playing you both along?

Greyish2025 · 30/01/2025 15:09

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 15:05

Yeah he's openly admitted tbag he has 2/3 things on go when ever he's single or gets out of a relationship but as soon as I mention to him that I will find someone who treats me better he don't like it more then likely because it's true but unlike him I do t need to go have meaningless sex with one never mind 2 or 3 men, I can be on my own and he knows that but I'm not going to be! I'm going to go and have all the fun I was having before he come into my life and ruined everything I had built for myself my self esteem my confidence my energy my motivation my personality all of it gone

Yeah he's openly admitted tbag he has 2/3 things on go when ever he's single or gets out of a relationship

I would definitely get rid of him, this type of man will never be happy with one woman and definitely cheat on you in the future if he hasn’t already done so

Billyblue47 · 30/01/2025 15:12

Boo hoo. Let him cry. If you stay with him, you'll always, rightly, be worrying about what he's doing when he's visiting his kids.

You are laying a lot of responsibility at her door. She stupidly wants him and loves him. She has no loyalty to you. Unfortunately, neither does he. He doesn't care who he strings along as long as he's getting his willy wet.

PistachioPickle · 30/01/2025 15:12

It's always the woman who's crazy. It's always the woman who's abusive. It's always the woman who's a psycho. It's always the woman who won't leave the man alone. It's never, you know, the man who's ever in the wrong is it.

Ditch the prick! Work on your self esteem.

SleepDeprivedButAlive · 30/01/2025 15:14

I'll hold your hand while I say this. Have some self respect and leave him.

You do not want to be around while he's co-parenting this new baby with his ex and his other kids.

This really REALLY isn't worth it.

2025willbemytime · 30/01/2025 15:15

You say if he told you he'd slept with her you'd tell him to fuck off but you wouldn't would you as you've said you were willing to try and work it out with him.

LIZS · 30/01/2025 15:16

And hope you have had regular sti checks.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/01/2025 15:18

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 12:38

Because I love him 🫣 I know I'm stupid I know that myself

Well he doesn't love you!

He's awful, controlling, manipulative, a liar, utterly repulsive, on a break with you but sleeping with you and his ex still. Honestly, this man is so awful, block him on everything and move on, you'll waste years of your life with this loser and his drama.

Richiewoo · 30/01/2025 15:19

Of course you are. You need to leave him.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 30/01/2025 15:26

What on earth are you getting out of this utter shitshow? He's 100% with both of you! Just thank your lucky stars that you aren't pregnant too!

Why would you live with this amount of drama in your life? Let the fishwife have him!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/01/2025 15:28

Fuck that shit. Dump his arse. Gather your self respect and move on

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 15:30

Scentsitive · 30/01/2025 14:49

Also why on earth would you post screenshots on Facebook? Do people honestly do that??

31 is old enough to let crap like this go.

It's on an anonymous post with his name scribbled out I'm not airing my shit on my personal page bcuz yes that would be childish I'm just assuring you this post is real and not a troll post

OP posts:
teresamendoza · 30/01/2025 15:30

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 12:20

I’m posting this here to be told straight basically as I don’t really have any family and friends that know what’s going on in my life so please just tell me how it is Hi girls I really need some advice because I feel honestly crazy here
So me and my boyfriend have been together almost 3 years we split up a few months back for 2-3 months but was in contact with eachother throughout and had slept together a few times still..
To then for us to decide to sort things out properly things was good for a few days until I found out he had slept with his ex.. didn’t mention anything to me but when I found out said he was ‘honestly going to tell me’ was acting off anyway before I found out accusing me of not being trust worthy and that I’m acting ‘shifty’ turned out to just be him.. to then a couple of weeks later he wants to tell me something SHES PREGNANT… she still loves him and is infatuated with him and I’ve told him he’s just relit an old flame in her and she just won’t leave him alone she’s become abusive to me too.. now I was willing to forgive him and try to get over everything that’s happened (the self esteem is clearly next level for me isn’t it😑)
So again we tried again but he’s telling her we aren’t together and wants me to stay quiet about us as he has kids with her and she’ll ‘ruin his life’ so I found out yday he’s been telling her we aren’t together so obvs I’ve hit the roof and now ‘I’m done your crazy’ bla bla bla AM I BEING MANIPULATED cuz I also feel like I’m the bad person right now 😭😭😭 he’s saying that the reason why he doesn’t want her to know just yet is because of the stuff she says and causes but also so that we can have time to ‘bond’ again just any advice 😭

I think you know the answer.
You need to value yourself more and not settle for this gaslighting lowlife.
Nothing is going to change here, it's already a mess so get out while you can and find the value in you.

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 15:36

outerspacepotato · 30/01/2025 14:53

You're all hung up on his words when his actions have shown you just who he is.

He lies. He cheats. He has unprotected sex with the woman he's back together with and he's going to raise another child with her. You are the dirty secret he bangs behind her back.

Do you have children watching you model this?

They aren't together and haven't been for 3/4 years but he clearly regularly sleeps with her whenever he feels like it even in the midst of me clearly.. said he thought we was done but when we started talking constantly telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me, so we wasn't done then?

OP posts:
OuijaBoard · 30/01/2025 15:36

His behaviour toward you sounds abusive. He is treating you extremely badly and blaming you for his hurtful behaviour, plus he is lying to you. This is persistent behaviour, not a one-off, and he is not going to stop. This is who he is.

End it with him, and stop contact so he doesn't pressure you to get back together. Go ahead and mourn the relationship; that's natural - but feel the pain and do the work of getting over him. Remind yourself - multiple times a day if necessary - how being with him was hurtful to you. And move on with your life, but remember: you are not required to be in or stay in ANY romantic relationship that is making you unhappy.

(His behaviour to his ex is inexcusable, but that's not your problem. Be glad it's not you who'd pregnant and tied to this arsehole for life.)

SheridansPortSalut · 30/01/2025 15:41

Oh for God's sake, wise up and move on.
You're being played.

NimbleGuide · 30/01/2025 15:43

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AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2025 15:44

@Chanjh25

You want straight talk, well here it is. And I'll preface it by saying that I'm likely old enough to be your mother, if not your granny. And I've been around and seen and done a lot. I've been where you are (loving someone unworthy who is treating me horribly) and this is what I know.

You ask if YABU to scream, cry, yell and the answer is YES. Where is your dignity, woman? Every emotional outburst just proves to him that he's got you well and truly hooked. So stop it!! Be cold, be icy and stop talking. It may not be how you feel inside but keeping your dignity is always rewarded in the end because you walk away with no memories of humiliating yourself by emotional 'antics'. You think your hysteria isn't feeding his ego? Well, it is.

You say how much you love him and I don't doubt you. But you need to realize that he does not love you, not one bit. He doesn't now and never did. He doesn't know how to love, not in the honest and true way you deserve to be loved. He only knows how to use. You also need to know that love is not enough and love doesn't always conquer.

And know this, you will never meet Mr Right when you're all tangled up with Mr Wrong. So free yourself, catch your breath, seek counseling for your self esteem. When you've done all that and you're truly ready, the right sort of love will find you.

Break it off with him. No need for a drawn out conversation, just 'we're through'. Hopefully you aren't living together so it will be simple; "We're through, don't contact me again" and block him everywhere. If you're living together either kick him out or you leave. Just do it now.

NimbleGuide · 30/01/2025 15:44

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whathaveiforgotten · 30/01/2025 15:45

Mate, this isn't as complicated as you think it is. I promise! You're too close to it all and he's got you confused.

You were dating a man who basically told you he's an arsehole (he has multiple people on the go at any one time etc) but thought he would change for you.

He didn't 🤷🏻‍♀️

Be glad it's over!

It's embarrassing that two grown women are scrapping over such a dickhead. And my god he will be LOVING it.

Drop the rope. Walk away. No contact with him ever again and raise your standards.

Over40Overdating · 30/01/2025 15:46

You need to stop focusing on how the ex is at fault for trying to ‘lure’ him back.

Given she has children with him, it’s likely she loved or still loves him as much as you do and his gaslighting and cheating and using has had an impact on her mental health.

No amount of hand wringing on here is going to help you. Block him now and don’t look back.

Trying to win him back by fighting to get him to see that he’s wrong will never work. Just feeds the drama and he knows you’ll take him back.

He’s disgusting by any measure. Think about how little respect you have for yourself right now and how other people will view you if you stay in a relationship with a man like this who gets off on emotionally abusing women, particularly the mother of his children and a newborn baby. Because if you stay with him you’ll be condoning it.

Chanjh25 · 30/01/2025 15:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sexual abuse psychical abuse by my stepdad a mum that neglected all of us and beaten us to a pulp on a daily and regularly starved us neglected us and seen her as her slaves
Relationship history all narcissistic that sent me crazy and constant reaction abuse

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