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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend why we don't want to come to the swanky members club

170 replies

hursty900 · 30/01/2025 11:58

I have a big birthday coming up and one of my friends has invited me and OH to the swanky members club they belong to, for dinner. I quite fancy it but my OH is not interested as (we both know) they'll be swanning around the place which will be full of wannabes and showy types and he hates all that that stands for... it makes him physically cringe and he'd hate every minute there. He's said he'd tolerate it if I want to go, but knowing how he'll feel it won't be very enjoyable and I would much rather go somewhere else. Do we just politely decline (and how - they think an invite here is THE pinnacle of an evening out) or should I try to explain - but risk my OH looking like a bit of d**k/or even jealous.. he's really not. It kind of implies we think they're the worst of the worst for being impressed by it all too...which we don't - different stroke for different folks and all that - AIBU to decline and any tactful advice how to is most welcome!

OP posts:
Hazylazydays · 03/02/2025 09:07

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 30/01/2025 17:01

I'm not surprised you're going to shut the thread down OP, in spite of my earlier post, and your agreeing that it was spot on, people have still continued to shred your DH's personality, they clearly haven't read the post, and don't give a stuff about their own partners. I hope you have a fab birthday WITH your DH!😄

This is Mumsnet, of course the OH has to ripped to shreds 😊
I totally agree with @RoastDinnerSmellsNice

Easipeelerie · 03/02/2025 09:15

You’ve said it’s a nuanced situation but not described how so it’s hard to comment fully.

re: your friends. They must know you husband doesn’t like this sort of night out. Why have they invited him to something he would really struggle to cope with?

Unless he’s autistic with extreme sensory issues, I’d say he should go because it’s a generous invite and you’d quite like it.

TaggieO · 03/02/2025 09:25

It sounds like your DH is the snob, not your friends…..

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2025 09:39

hursty900 · 30/01/2025 13:58

Cos we've been invited by a couple, as a couple.

Show quote history

Then he should just suck it up if you want to go, which you said you did

Not sure what you've come here for as you're contradicting yourself

zingally · 03/02/2025 09:46

It's inverted snobbery of your DH to turn his nose up. If you want to go, and you'll enjoy it, then he needs to suck it up and put a smile on his face.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/02/2025 09:53

You asked if we thought you’re BU to decline. Am I allowed to say my genuine opinion which is YABU or will I be accused of sniping?

I think if you quite fancy it, it’s sad that you can’t go because you’re more worried about your DH. I do think it’s ludicrous if he can’t just enjoy it for what it is. a birthday treat FOR YOU. And I think it’s rude to decline, your friends are trying to do something nice for you. But you obv don’t want any other opinions so…

applestrudels · 03/02/2025 10:12

You quite fancy it, DH doesn't. How about you accept, and then on the day, say "oh, ever so sorry, DH can't make it as he's come down with a bad cold, but I can't wait to see you later!"

applestrudels · 03/02/2025 10:14

Absolutely do not under any circumstances consider telling them why DH doesn't fancy it 😂

Tbqh I think I'm on his side, I'd find it a bit cringe and unenjoyable too, but there is simply no way of saying it without making him sound like a twat and making your friends feel insulted!

GeneralPeter · 03/02/2025 10:21

@hursty900

I've not explained it all very well granted but am quite shocked by the judgement that my OH is a massive twat just cos he isn't impressed by nor want to be around, vacuous & conspicuous displays of wealth..

I thought about this, because your post did seem off to me too.

I think what probably did it was the moral distain that your husband seems to be layering onto his observation. Now that's different from having a moral view. Eg if I go to a meet up of cat-rescue people, it might not be my thing, and I might have a good moral case too about why devoting one's life to rescuing cats is diverting energy and funds that could be spent on much better causes. But it would be unhealthy and unappealing if my main framing of the event was "god I have to spend my evening with these simple-minded sentimentalists, so pleased with themselves, while they make the world worse." That kind of attitude would be pretty un-generous, and I think would get short shrift on here too, in a way that simply having a different view/priorities wouldn’t.

Serpentstooth · 03/02/2025 10:21

Years ago I bought my daughter a sought-after theatre ticket, remembered she had a transient boyfriend, so got one for him too. He refused to go because, deep breath, he'd never been to a theatre before and it would be full of wannabees etc.see OP post. Did you marry him OP ?

Butchyrestingface · 03/02/2025 10:27

I've not explained it all very well granted but am quite shocked by the judgement that my OH is a massive twat just cos he isn't impressed by nor want to be around, vacuous & conspicuous displays of wealth..

You said YOU quite fancy it though. Are YOU impressed by 'vacuous and conspicuous displays of wealth'?

applestrudels · 03/02/2025 14:08

GeneralPeter · 03/02/2025 10:21

@hursty900

I've not explained it all very well granted but am quite shocked by the judgement that my OH is a massive twat just cos he isn't impressed by nor want to be around, vacuous & conspicuous displays of wealth..

I thought about this, because your post did seem off to me too.

I think what probably did it was the moral distain that your husband seems to be layering onto his observation. Now that's different from having a moral view. Eg if I go to a meet up of cat-rescue people, it might not be my thing, and I might have a good moral case too about why devoting one's life to rescuing cats is diverting energy and funds that could be spent on much better causes. But it would be unhealthy and unappealing if my main framing of the event was "god I have to spend my evening with these simple-minded sentimentalists, so pleased with themselves, while they make the world worse." That kind of attitude would be pretty un-generous, and I think would get short shrift on here too, in a way that simply having a different view/priorities wouldn’t.

Edited

You've absolutely nailed it. I would not be very impressed with an adult who is incapable of smiling and enjoying their own meal and chatting with their own friends, just because there are people he doesn't agree with in the same room. If it's not his cup of tea, that's absolutely fine, but he's not actually being asked to do anything except eat and socialise with his own wife and friends, so it's strange that he cares that much.

LBFseBrom · 03/02/2025 23:38

I've not explained it all very well granted but am quite shocked by the judgement that my OH is a massive twat just cos he isn't impressed by nor want to be around, vacuous & conspicuous displays of wealth..

He doesn't have to be impressed, he can just treat it as normal, not be disdainful which is chippy and snobbish. Just because other people are better off and maybe a bit flash with it, doesn't mean they are not basically good people or that he is any better than them.

PloddingAlong21 · 05/02/2025 08:16

Some of these comments are strange…

OP never said anything about him being unable to control his behaviour. She simply said it isn’t his preference to be in this sort of environment. That’s totally acceptable for him to say.

He isn’t making a big deal of it, nor is she. He would go if she wanted to, she’s choosing to put his feelings above going. None of this sounds dramatic, give and take as you’d expect expect in a relationship.

My husband would be the same - not his scene. Would also go if I wanted too. I would likely chose somewhere we would both enjoy, as us both being equally comfortable would make me enjoy it more, knowing he was somewhere he’d rather not be.

In this scenario I would make excuses for him and attend on my own. If you’re good enough friends simply say “thanks, this sounds amazing. However as you know X doesn’t usually feel comfortable at fine dining scenes so it would be wasted on him. I would love to go however if that’s an option? Otherwise perhaps we can go to X instead as we would love to see you.”

latetothefisting · 05/02/2025 14:32

PloddingAlong21 · 05/02/2025 08:16

Some of these comments are strange…

OP never said anything about him being unable to control his behaviour. She simply said it isn’t his preference to be in this sort of environment. That’s totally acceptable for him to say.

He isn’t making a big deal of it, nor is she. He would go if she wanted to, she’s choosing to put his feelings above going. None of this sounds dramatic, give and take as you’d expect expect in a relationship.

My husband would be the same - not his scene. Would also go if I wanted too. I would likely chose somewhere we would both enjoy, as us both being equally comfortable would make me enjoy it more, knowing he was somewhere he’d rather not be.

In this scenario I would make excuses for him and attend on my own. If you’re good enough friends simply say “thanks, this sounds amazing. However as you know X doesn’t usually feel comfortable at fine dining scenes so it would be wasted on him. I would love to go however if that’s an option? Otherwise perhaps we can go to X instead as we would love to see you.”

OP never said anything about him being unable to control his behaviour.
She said going would 'make him physically cringe.'

He isn’t making a big deal of it....None of this sounds dramatic,
As well as the "physical cringing" she said "he'd hate every minute there." sounds pretty dramatic and a big deal for me.

I've been to places/events where I've been a bit bored, or uncomfortable, or too cold/hot or a bit miserable. Can't think of anywhere where I've hated every minute and using those words to describe a few hours having dinner with friends is ridiculously dramatic.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 05/02/2025 16:49

We've got one of these clubs near us (rhymes with nogo mouse) and I went with a friend and actually quite enjoyed it. I'm sure sometimes it is a bit irritating but when I went it was just a nice environment to have dinner and the food was alright. If you fancy it and it's their treat, just go. If it's awful you can go home and b*tch about it behind their backs, which we all know is an extra special treat. Chances are, you'll just get a nice dinner and might spot a celeb which is actually probably why most people go. If you genuinely don't want to go, then just say you're not available, for the love of God don't say "husband thinks it's full of tragic wannabes and that you'll be insufferable".

Dingdong90 · 06/02/2025 08:49

It wouldn't be my cup of tea either and if it was my friends, I'd be able to just say that . Sorry x,but that really doesn't sound my cup of tea but thanks so much for the thought /suggestion. How about we go here instead ?

MzHz · 06/02/2025 09:19

@hursty900 do you enjoy spending time with these people? Are they good fun?

id go and enjoy the time with them, and laugh with dh about the shenanigans and fuckwittery afterwards

your friends are giving you something they really value and want to treat you, it’s something that they feel good about giving you as a treat. If you quite fancy it, tell h that and say that it’s one evening with people you enjoy spending time with and you can giggle about it afterwards if it’s cringe.

Original poster
hursty900 · 06/02/2025 09:22

I thought I'd deleted this thread!

OP posts:
RitaFromTheRanch · 06/02/2025 09:39

hursty900 · 06/02/2025 09:22

I thought I'd deleted this thread!

You can't delete threads

I must be the only one who likes Soho House, it's not the one I'm a member of but I've been to lots of them and enjoyed them all. Farmhouse is always a lovely weekend.

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