To tell my friend why we don't want to come to the swanky members club

[hursty900]

I have a big birthday coming up and one of my friends has invited me and OH to the swanky members club they belong to, for dinner. I quite fancy it but my OH is not interested as (we both know) they'll be swanning around the place which will be full of wannabes and showy types and he hates all that that stands for... it makes him physically cringe and he'd hate every minute there. He's said he'd tolerate it if I want to go, but knowing how he'll feel it won't be very enjoyable and I would much rather go somewhere else. Do we just politely decline (and how - they think an invite here is THE pinnacle of an evening out) or should I try to explain - but risk my OH looking like a bit of d**k/or even jealous.. he's really not. It kind of implies we think they're the worst of the worst for being impressed by it all too...which we don't - different stroke for different folks and all that - AIBU to decline and any tactful advice how to is most welcome!

@hursty900you said you quite fancy it. For that reason you should go. Why can't you go on your own?

Soho House? If so tell DH it's basically an upmarket Wetherspoons

Cos we've been invited by a couple, as a couple.

We have this issue crop up a few times a year, with various friends. We're all similarly well off, but we choose to prioritise different things: if we go away with our children for a long weekend, say 3 families of 4 in a big airbnb, no we don't want to pay a private chef for $100/head/meal, we're quite happy with sandwiches or a BBQ and making toast for breakfast. No, I don't want to meet you for dinner at your new Aman members' club, it'll be too noisy and dark and I actually want to talk to you and enjoy my food rather than focus on my clothes and make-up and who else is there and sit at a table that's too small for my plate but is beautiful.

I spent around a decade dodging the issue, making excuses etc. Now, I just don't care what anyone thinks of me, but I'll never be rude. In this situation I would thank my friend for the kind offer, say it's very generous of them, but I've been wanting to try xyz restaurant for ages and honestly it's my birthday and I want to treat them - all of that would be true (there's always somewhere new I want to try, they're friends so I'd want to spend time with them, and I always pay on my birthday).

It’s such a weird assumption to make that that’s what members clubs are like. And the irony - he’s a terribly inverted snob, because he thinks other people are snobs.

Can he not just put his big boy pants on for one night for his wife whose birthday it is?

What is swanky club?🤔

Go! Tell your DH to concentrate on you, your friends, and the dinner, and ignore the swanky posers! You can have a laugh about them afterwards.

Goodness me, you really do have a massive chip on your shoulder about what others have. And about your friends and their wealth.

i don’t think either of you should go.

That's a great response. Thank you!

Hmm, I don't see the issue of making an effort one day out of 365 if that's what you want to do.

As soon as you said that your DH wouldn’t fancy it the whole of MN’s decision was to go on the offensive.
The general consensus is spend the evening with a bunch of pretentious twats rather than with your DH.
Only on MN.
😉😁😁.

If my husband didn't want to go somewhere like that, I would be honest with my friend and say it's not his cup of tea but let's just go together one night without him.

I don’t think you should go as it sounds like you don’t like your friends that much. Maybe they are being twatty now they are ‘flash’ and ‘swanning’ around but they are still including you in their new life and want to buy lunch for your birthday. I doubt that would be the case if they knew you were judging them.

But I’m not sure how that would stop you saying, as a PP suggested, “Honestly, it wouldn’t be my husband’s cup of tea, but I’d love it! Shall we do it as a girls’ night?”

Ah fair enough...for some reason I'd got the idea they're close friends! I just assumed they're close enough where you could've told them it's not his thing but you'd still like to go.

Hmmm ok I don't know what I'd do then... probably just go and thank DH for sucking it up for my sake. I wouldn't let it bring me down though, although that's easier said than done I guess!

Or this! If that's honestly how you feel, that you'd rather do something else.

DH and I were invited a few years ago to a very exclusive private gentlemen's club in a roughly work-related context that made it difficult to say "don't fancy it", and our host was all, "I know it's tricky with babysitters! You tell me the date, any is fine!". So we mildly resentfully used up a babysitting favour (DS2 was then very young) and went.

DH definitely doesn't find St James' gentlemen's clubs his idea of fun, and it isn't mine either, but he didn't whinge, and viewed it as an anthropological observation evening instead. And politely declined when asked if he wished to explore joining himself. TBF, if he did splash out thousands of pounds a year on a men-only club he'd find himself with an ex not current partner, sharpish, but it's not his idea of fun either.

Can't DH see it as something he might not choose of his own volition, but a novel experience that is always worth taking up?

Exactly, I think your husband can suck it up and get over his discomfort for one evening, I’m sure it couldn’t be all bad, if ye are going for dinner ye will be sitting down for most of the evening anyway not swanning about.
Ye can leave soon after the dinner if ye want

I find this kind of reverse snobbery as bad as the usual straightforward kind. It is prejudging people based on what you assume they will be like. In reality there is a wide range of people in any given social setting: some will be halfwits, others will be worth talking to and/or quite lovely. But OP, you should leave your OH at home if he can't be gracious -- and go yourself if you want to.

If it's Soho House your DH is nbu. If you want to go though it's your birthday and he has offered to tolerate it...

Can´t you just go without DH? Everyone happy!

You're not joined at the hip and will have your own celebration with your own friends etc.

I invite friends to such a club occasionally as I think it would be a lovely treat (free dinner, relaxing drinks in a beautiful garden) and the traction isn't as good as I'd like so I guess now I know the reason! I do think your friends are being lovely though, they're not looking to show off, they're simply looking to offer you an experience that they think is nicer and more special/ personal than booking a standard restaurant.

I am a bit like your hubby when it comes to that kind of event. I get a bit judgy and I don't really know why. I suppose I often feel a bit out of place. However after those events I often feel I have had a fairly good time

However it's your night and your DH has said that he would put up with it if you wanted to go. So, I think you should ask yourself if you would like to do it. And, if so, then go. It's only one night.

I'm not impressed by vacuous displays of wealth either, but when DH was invited, because of his work, to an evening reception at a polo farm followed by an evening at Les Ambassadeurs, I went along with it with a good grace, despite the hosts being properly ghastly, and distributed my winning among a bunch of rough sleepers on the Strand on the way home..

This is why people think your OH is a 'massive twat' because he's making your birthday all about him:

he hates all that that stands for... it makes him physically cringe and he'd hate every minute there. He's said he'd tolerate it if I want to go, but knowing how he'll feel it won't be very enjoyable and I would much rather go somewhere else

You say yourself that he is going to wreck your enjoyment of your own birthday. That is being a twat.

Your friends have been kind enough to invite you out for your birthday and you've taken that as an opportunity to be snide and judgemental about them online while pretending to sincerely ask whether you should say to them: "no we don't want to go because it sucks and you suck".

Ok YABU.