To tell my friend why we don't want to come to the swanky members club

[hursty900]

I have a big birthday coming up and one of my friends has invited me and OH to the swanky members club they belong to, for dinner. I quite fancy it but my OH is not interested as (we both know) they'll be swanning around the place which will be full of wannabes and showy types and he hates all that that stands for... it makes him physically cringe and he'd hate every minute there. He's said he'd tolerate it if I want to go, but knowing how he'll feel it won't be very enjoyable and I would much rather go somewhere else. Do we just politely decline (and how - they think an invite here is THE pinnacle of an evening out) or should I try to explain - but risk my OH looking like a bit of d**k/or even jealous.. he's really not. It kind of implies we think they're the worst of the worst for being impressed by it all too...which we don't - different stroke for different folks and all that - AIBU to decline and any tactful advice how to is most welcome!

If your friends like it, and YOU fancy it (and it's YOUR birthday) can't your DH just suck it up for an evening? Why should you decline an invite for something you fancy because your husband can't behave appropriately?

Or he stays home. Presumably you're not joined at the hip.

Well, it's your birthday and you quite fancy it so tbh I think your DH needs to get over himself!

They have graciously invited you. You don't want to go, so you graciously decline. "I'm sorry we are busy that evening. How about dinner on the 5th instead at xxxxx)

Saying no I don't want to go because its full of wannabes makes you look like a chippy twat.

Have you both been before? Being so sure he’ll dislike it and dislike the people there sounds like snobbery.

Your DH needs to stop being such a reverse snob and go along. Not everyone will be swanning around being posh. They are just people who happen to belong to this club.

I would go and have a good laugh about any fuckwittery afterwards. If it's their treat, what's not to like?

Your dh is such a child that he allows his attitude to impact you so much you are avoiding to go somewhere you would like.

I would just go without him and enjoy myself

Your husband is being a chippy so-and-so. He KNOWS you'd like it but he's making sure that you'll set his feelings above your own, even though it's a zero-stakes occasion (you're not asking him to a vodka tasting with Putin's generals), and even though it's literally YOUR birthday and YOUR treat.

I'd talk to him about why he thinks it's okay to preemptively make you feel guilty about doing something perfectly innocent that you'll enjoy on your own birthday.

What about thanks for the invite, we prefer a low key place so will see you another time

tbh my dh doesn’t enjoy fine dining much, so I go with my friends if I fancy it.

I dunno I know my DH would refuse to go to a swanky night hosted by masons. And it wouldn't be worth trying to encourage him so I'd probably go myself and give him an excuse or just decline. Each to their own but I get your point!

He doesn't sound very comfortable in his own skin if it bothers him so much.

@ForRealCat has summed it up beautifully I think. Nothing wrong with politely declining.

This would be me too.

It sounds like you like the sound of it, in which case your DH should suck it up or just sit it out.

But if you really don't want to go, just say you fancy something "lower key" and suggest somewhere nice but casual.

Your husband is being an utter twat making you feel like you can’t go because he can’t control his behaviour.
You WANT to go. It’s YOUR birthday. I’d fuck him off and go without him. Or tell him he’s just as bad as they are the judgmental prick

I would decline and just say it’s not what you fancy doing for your birthday. Suggest / invite them to an alternative.

Can't you go without your DH if he doesn't fancy it and you do?

For one night I would expect your dh to suck it up tbh. Otherwise go without him. It is not like you are suggesting that you go every night,

Well, friendship is an exchange …

They’re offering you something they value. In exchange you could offer your acceptance - so they get to enjoy being your hosts; showing off, swanning about, whatever they want to do. You get (presumably) a free meal, and their company. They get to see themselves as gracious and excellent friends showing you a better way of life.

If you like them then indulge them. If you don’t actually like your friends then decline.

Depends what one it is. I love mine and it's absolutely nothing like you describe.

Wouldn't be my cup of tea but your DH should let you decide and if you decide to go, he should be polite about it for you.

If you want to go surely your husband can just go and enjoy the food and the direct company? Can't say I notice the strangers around me much when I am in good company

If your OH won't partner you at something you want to do for your big birthday, for no reason other than he doesn't fancy it, I would say he's not a great OH.

Perhaps since it's your birthday and you fancy it maybe your Husband can suck it up for a night?

There's a restaurant near us that I personally wouldn't choose for a meal because I think it's pretentious AF, but if I were invited to a meal there that I wanted to attend then I'd go, and concentrate on the presumably fun and engaging company that I'm there with rather than what anyone else is doing.

You go, he politely declines. Don’t try and change someone else’s birthday party to suit their friend’s partner.

How do you know they will be “swanning about the place” either go (because you said you fancied it) or just sorry we have other plans,