To tell my friend why we don't want to come to the swanky members club

[hursty900]

I have a big birthday coming up and one of my friends has invited me and OH to the swanky members club they belong to, for dinner. I quite fancy it but my OH is not interested as (we both know) they'll be swanning around the place which will be full of wannabes and showy types and he hates all that that stands for... it makes him physically cringe and he'd hate every minute there. He's said he'd tolerate it if I want to go, but knowing how he'll feel it won't be very enjoyable and I would much rather go somewhere else. Do we just politely decline (and how - they think an invite here is THE pinnacle of an evening out) or should I try to explain - but risk my OH looking like a bit of d**k/or even jealous.. he's really not. It kind of implies we think they're the worst of the worst for being impressed by it all too...which we don't - different stroke for different folks and all that - AIBU to decline and any tactful advice how to is most welcome!

People are probably picking up things that you are now saying you didn't mean because of the way you wrote it!

If you'd just said 'My friends have invited us to X but neither DH nor I really want to go, what's the best way to refuse without offending them?' then you might have got more helpful responses.

But you literally said that you did "quite fancy it" and the only reason you gave for not going was because your DH didn't want to.
So of course people are going to respond telling you to do something you've said you want to do for your own birthday rather than denying yourself because god forbid your DH be mildly inconvenienced for an hour or two. He doesn't have to "be impressed by vacuous displays of wealth" he only has to sit there without a face like a slapped arse (and "physically cringing"🙄) while enjoying a free meal!

You can't complain about people's responses when they are based on the information YOU provided!

tbh regardless of the place, it sounds like your friends are basically just inviting you for a meal out, and, to me, it does sound a bit excessive for your DH to not suck it up for, what, two, three hours. They're your friends, presumably you like spending time with them, the food should be nice, it's hardly water torture!
Or just go alone and do something else with DH. It doesn't have to be the 'main' or only thing you do to celebrate your birthday, you can do whatever else as well.

Well first you need to decide whether YOU want to go or not. It's your birthday. You could even go without him.

But if on balance you'd rather not, I think all you need to do is to say thank you, but you'd prefer an evening an X (restaurant, bar etc of your choice) for your birthday instead. I dont think you need to dwell on exactly why your DH really hates the idea.

I would just say you don’t fancy that as it’s not your cup of tea and suggest you go out to a nice normal restaurant instead.

I don't think you can tell them because how do you say that in a nice way lol
'No thank you, we don't want to hang out with wannabes'

And if the sexes were reversed ….it would 100% be you don’t have to go to some awful place you don’t want to etc. There would be none if this “just suck it up” for the female.

Anyway, I think he’s entirely within his rights to not want to go to some godawful members club and he doesn’t have to ‘suck it up.’ I adore my husband but wild horses wouldn’t drag me to one again. We have a few friends who are members of a couple - SoHo House, the O&C in particular and they are absolutely fucking awful places full of awful people. I’m gobsmacked they like them and can’t see how cringy they are.

there's the potential for irritation pretty much everywhere you go, though?
in this venue there's the "vacuous & conspicuous displays of wealth", somewhere else there could be screaming kids, or long delays on food or weirdly loud music that makes it hard to talk...

perhaps I'm just a cheapskate but presuming them inviting you out is them offering to pay, then there aren't many venues that I'd find so annoying (or assume would be so annoying as it seems like neither you nor your DH have ever even been to this place and are basing it all on assumptions!) I wouldn't appreciate a free meal and the company of friends.

I hope you are both strong enough to carry those sacks of chips on your shoulders.

I think your husband sounds like the judgemental one here. You’re having dinner, you don’t have to gawp at all the other wealthy diners. If you don’t like the couple, then it’s unfair to carry on pretending to be friends and going out with them. If your husband can’t just sit and enjoy a meal with his wife (and supposed friends), for one night, he sounds a bit of an arse.

I do wonder if your declaration of being “comfortably off” would be others definition of comfortably off, and as that covers a huge range of financial situations.

And I wonder this as your wording is very telling, the swanky, swanning, conspicuous and vacuous displays of wealth, wannabes, the put downs of your own friends and their immense wealth. tells me there is something here hidden you don’t wish to reveal, coupled with your focus on money and how much others have. But blaming your husband,

If you do decide to go, make sure you and DH have a game of Bullshit Bingo lined up so you can share a giggle with each other every time someone says or does something ridiculously (s)wanky.

Honestly if you like the idea, then either husband sucks it up for one night (it would be my idea of Hell, but if my husband wanted to do something like this, I'd grit my teeth for one night), or you go for the honest "I'd love to, but it's not really husband's scene, so he's happy to stay at home" (if they are good enough friends they won't mind, and you've described them as "my friend", not "our friend"

Wow, deep psychoanalysis!! We're all good thanks.
Honestly, thanks all but I've got a couple of good responses to use now, and lots of good for thought too (!) so will leave it there & delete this thread as it's stressing me out getting so many snipey responses.

I'm not surprised you're going to shut the thread down OP, in spite of my earlier post, and your agreeing that it was spot on, people have still continued to shred your DH's personality, they clearly haven't read the post, and don't give a stuff about their own partners. I hope you have a fab birthday WITH your DH!😄

I also dislike these places and dislike fancy restaurants but tbh your friends are trying to be nice and treat you so I think you and your DH should just suck it up and be grateful tbh. It's only one night and you're spending time with your friends which must be a good thing.

You go, DH has a migraine, Bob's your uncle.

More like potato dauphinois at the club…

Just go and enjoy, your friends have invited you so dont be so reliant on what others think and have a fun evening. It is Your Birthday
I was married to a guy like your, lovely, but he stopped me doing so much.

Have a Very Happy Birthday!

He sounds very judgemental and determined not to experience different things. Go on your own with your friends and take him for a pie and peas night at the local WMC.

I'm gonna guess this is an invite to Soho House? 😅

If so, it's actually lovely there. Nobody "swans around"; it's actually frowned upon. You can't take photos in there and it's expected you keep yourself to yourself. The service is absolutely excellent, and the food too.

Just accept the offer and go try it out. You lose nothing. I think you'd find you have a lovely time; and the staff will work hard to make sure you do!

Just say it’s not your cup of tea and that this XYZ other place is.

Or you could go and get it and leave early. Better to exercise your principles though, and not get sucked in to others tastes just to be polite.

I wouldn't make an assumption about the place. I have a few friends in private members'clubs and they cost around the same as a member to David Lloyds. Some just join as it's a different work from home venue.

You: So and So has invited us for dinner at XXX
OH: Would you like to go?
You: Oh yes, I know its a bit swanky but the food and wine will be good.
OH: Sounds great (in head; I can suck up hanging around a bunch of twats for 3 hours if it means something to my OH

Or just leave him at home and go with the one or both of them. You don't have to be joined at the hip.

No, it is because she said she did. In her own words

I quite fancy it but my OH is not interested

If she didn't fancy it the thread would be very different.

Plus if they are pretentious twats why is she friends with them. With friends like her, you certainly do not need enemies.

see ... I would feel totally uncomfortable the entire evening which is not how you want to celebrate anything.
Its not about whether you like your friends or not.

Sorry your DH is coming over as a bit of a petulant child and maybe an inverted snob.

It's your b'day and if you want to go he should suck it up and bear it for one evening.