To tell my friend why we don't want to come to the swanky members club

[hursty900]

I have a big birthday coming up and one of my friends has invited me and OH to the swanky members club they belong to, for dinner. I quite fancy it but my OH is not interested as (we both know) they'll be swanning around the place which will be full of wannabes and showy types and he hates all that that stands for... it makes him physically cringe and he'd hate every minute there. He's said he'd tolerate it if I want to go, but knowing how he'll feel it won't be very enjoyable and I would much rather go somewhere else. Do we just politely decline (and how - they think an invite here is THE pinnacle of an evening out) or should I try to explain - but risk my OH looking like a bit of d**k/or even jealous.. he's really not. It kind of implies we think they're the worst of the worst for being impressed by it all too...which we don't - different stroke for different folks and all that - AIBU to decline and any tactful advice how to is most welcome!

If this was me and it was somewhere DH didn't want to go and I did, I'd go to this place with your friends without him and go out with him another night as well somewhere else.
Can't you do this?
Why should you miss out on somewhere you "quite fancy going" just because your DH doesn't?
Life's too short.

I agree. If he can rid himself of that chip he might have a good time. Things like this are part of life, will he be trying to avoid them forever? He can put himself out for your sake and tell him to do it with a good grace.

Inverted snobbery at its finest. And yes it does make him look like you think it would.

Wanker - you OH is totally judgmental wanker. You are lucky he gets invited anywhere.

leave him home go and have fun, live it up.

I wouldn’t expect my husband to do something against his principles, and vice versa, but neither of us would ever try to stop the other doing anything they wanted to. Would you go without him on this occasion?

I think your friends are being lovely and kind, and your DH is being a snob in the entirely other direction

Thanks so much but that’s not DH’s cup
of tea. We’d love to go out with you but how about xxx venue instead.

Nobody's said that, have they?! Missed it if so.
If you quite fancy it like you say, can't you go and he stays at home and go out with him the next night or something?
That's what I'd do - excuse for two birthday celebrations and you don't miss out on going somewhere just because DH doesn't want to go.

Go with your friends. OH can have a previous engagement/ Covid/ bad back and stay at home.

Is it Soho House?

Have either of you been there and if not how do you know? He will not physically cringe....not unless he is afraid someone will hit him! If neither of you fancied it then I would agree a polite refusal would be fine, but do you never go anywhere or do anything that you dislike because he wants to go?

I'd just think as it's my birthday it's my choice

He either comes or he doesn't

dont Worry it wouldn’t come across you think they are the worse for being “impressed” by it.

it would come across you’re both intimidated by any form of what you perceive to be wealth and deeply incomfortable unless you’re in low end surroundings.

So your husband dislikes the idea but will go if you really want to, but you aren't bothered either way?

In which case, I would say "thank you for the invitation but it isn't our kind of thing, I'm sure you understand". That's honest but polite, you don't need to go into details.

they think an invite here is THE pinnacle of an evening out

This bit is telling about what you actually think. Even though you go on to say 'different strokes...'. You're clearly Miss Judgy Pants.

Tell them what you really think of them. And see where the friendship goes from there.

She clearly is bothered, she really wants to go, but wants to judge the people there as she perceives them to have money.

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

Go on your own - my DH doesn’t like Annabel’s but does like No 5 HS - so he goes where he likes and I’ll go to a Burger King to avoid having to wash up. You’re not joined at the hip. Have a nice time courtesy of your friends.

It's not all that nuanced a question and you don't need to know all the personalities at play. All I needed to know is that it's your birthday and you quite fancied it. Your friends have offered to take you out for dinner and you quite fancy it. So there's only one person dragging this back - your DH. And it's not his choice this time. On his birthday he gets to choose the location. Enjoy your night out, I hope you don't let your husband's petty preferences get in the way of your own decisions and your friendship.

Your OH is being selfish. Surely he can put a brave face on it for one evening. He can tell you his true opinions once you get back home, if he must.

your DH sounds like a grumpy snob who can't just relax and enjoy something different.

I'd go along and just enjoy it as a change of scene. Why can't you do it and have a laugh as well? Absolutely no need to be rude either.

He sounds like a prat on this OP. I bet he would give you serious stink eye if you went alone.

He should suck it up and be nice. Or is he one of those who likes everything his way?

Just to be explicit, you shouldn't know how he'd feel. He should have sounded you out on whether you fancied it first, and then tempered his reaction to the invitation based on that. Just because he lacks basic consideration for your preferences doesn't mean you should pander to his.

It's not nuanced.
Your view of the place doesn't sound that dissimilar to your husband's.
Just say thanks, but not our kind of place.

How does your husband know what it's like if he's never been there?