To tell my friend why we don't want to come to the swanky members club

[hursty900]

I have a big birthday coming up and one of my friends has invited me and OH to the swanky members club they belong to, for dinner. I quite fancy it but my OH is not interested as (we both know) they'll be swanning around the place which will be full of wannabes and showy types and he hates all that that stands for... it makes him physically cringe and he'd hate every minute there. He's said he'd tolerate it if I want to go, but knowing how he'll feel it won't be very enjoyable and I would much rather go somewhere else. Do we just politely decline (and how - they think an invite here is THE pinnacle of an evening out) or should I try to explain - but risk my OH looking like a bit of d**k/or even jealous.. he's really not. It kind of implies we think they're the worst of the worst for being impressed by it all too...which we don't - different stroke for different folks and all that - AIBU to decline and any tactful advice how to is most welcome!

I would accept the invitation with the good grace that it’s intended and tell your DH to be a good boy, shut the fuck up and eat the nice food and just play nicely.

I agree, I'd go and see if it's as bad as I thought and enjoy the experience of something different. I'd also probably feel really awkward and out of place, but I'd hope it was something we could laugh together about later. Also, free food!

Most private members clubs (or the ones I’ve been to anyway) are not full of people swanning around. They are full of people who want a quiet drink / meal out where they can guarantee a seat and decent service and not to be table turned. It’s the in fashion places that are full of people showing off and holding court.

And in answer to your question, no, there is no way to turn this generous invitation down graciously, which is exactly why we are all suggesting you tell your husband to benthe bigger man and suck it up, because it's not all about him (or even you for that matter). Sometimes we need to indulge our friends, especially when they are trying to be kind and it literally costs nothing.

I feel like I get it. Plenty of couples in my family would be divided by this - one up for it, one dying inside and hating everything.

I don't like the thought of going just to ridicule it later as one pp suggested.

I love experiencing a wide range of things so although not my cup of tea, I'd probably go and let my friends play lady bountiful for a night.

Your Dh is making a lot of assumptions there. I go to private members clubs quite frequently and it's a very 'normal' crowd.

Where's the fun in that though?! Nothing worse than going out with someone to somewhere where the other person doesn't really want to be.
I'm a bit like the OP as in DH doesn't always want to go out somewhere.
I'd rather leave him at home if he's not likely to enjoy it rather than take him out and go by myself and frequently do

I doubt everyone there will be swanning about and showing off tbh.

This

Why are so many people choosing to ignore what the poster said about her DH, ie., 'He's said he'd tolerate it if I want to go, ....' The OP knows that it's not her DH's thing, and that he won't enjoy it, so if she goes ahead and expects him to just 'suck it up', she won't enjoy it either. I would be the same as the OP, even if it were something that I thought I might enjoy, knowing it wasn't my DH's thing, would mean that it wasn't something I'd want to do alone on MY birthday.

I would therefore suggest OP, that you say thank you for the invitation, but while I think I might enjoy it, I'm afraid it's not really DH's cup of tea, and obviously I want to spend my birthday with him, so perhaps we could do it another time? That way, you've given no cause for offence, you've told the truth, and left the door open that YOU might like to go with them another time.

I kind of get what he means. We live basically next door to a members only countryside based club frequented by celebrities and influencers and the one time I went along with a friend to look at joining it was absolutely not for me. They couldn't have paid me to join to be honest. However, I would suck it up and go out of politeness for a birthday meal. It's not that hard to look past for a few hours of a meal focusing on your wife and friends. Everyone likes different things and they obviously really enjoy their club and what it offers which is great.

Going by yourself and enjoy the evening. Or is that too obvious as a solution?

Just say no thanks, it’s not our thing.
Why make a big deal over it?

"...it's impossible to explain fully or ask for a fair judgement on via a forum like this."
And yet, here you are.

Which club is it?

Most of them are alright, given they have selective membership.

Unless it’s Soho House.

He’s being a bit mean-spirited IMO .

Okay. I've re-read, and it seems that the problem is your friend likely behaviour there that's going to make him uncomfortable. So I'm going to moderate my previous post and say that he's not being entirely unreasonable.

My DD's ex's parents were loud and confident ex-pat types (sorry for the generalisation, but they really were almost caricatures of the type). They were never anything other than pleasant to me, but had they invited me to a fancy club inhabited by all their friends, I'd have died inside. I'm quiet and reserved, and would have felt really awkward following then around like a spare wheel and being introduced to their acquaintances.

"They are just people who happen to belong to this club."

They're not really though are they?

Can't your husband go and spend the evening getting smug moral pleasure out of how superior he is? The people at the club are just people and your friends are being kind offering to take you out to dinner. If it's actually on your birthday and you'd rather do something else then that's fine. I'd go along just for the experience rather than reject something based on probably unfounded assumptions.

There was a time in life (DH work situations) where we were both invited to places you describe & more. Places we'd never go of our own accord. We absolutely loved it. I'd be asking your DH why he is so against people who in the majority of cases have worked hard to afford to be members of this type of establishment & they enjoy their lifestyle.He should try to dispel his prejudice & go along with you,try to see the positives & enjoy it.

Go without him then
He sounds miserable

If you fancy going, and you say that you do, I would expect your DH to suck it up for one evening, put a brave face on and make the best of it. Would you do it if roles were reversed, I bet you would. You never know he might’ve enjoy it if he goes in with the right attitude. Even if he views it as an anthropological experience to see what it is like.

This is exactly what we would do as well. Go for the nose

Thank you! This is exactly it. He is more than happy to 'suck it up' for me..

For the record, we are all what you might call 'comfortably off' & very exposed to wealth & such places (in our younger years more!) so not intimidated/ have chips on any shoulders.. our friends have recently come into immense £££ & honestly are just being a bit flash about it.

I know others there won't be swanning around - my friend will be though as have witnessed it in another scenario recently.

I've not explained it all very well granted but am quite shocked by the judgement that my OH is a massive twat just cos he isn't impressed by nor want to be around, vacuous & conspicuous displays of wealth..

Just to be more explicit - utter garbage! If they've been together any length of time the OP is already going to know full well, what sort of things her partner does and doesn't like.

Could be an issue he keeps private OP.

Maybe worried about the cost, and what he would be owing in return? Or feeling obliged to pay for everything as they have already brought you both into their swanky off- limits paradise to 'enjoy'.

Fearful of your friends wanting to introduce him to people he has no wish to talk to, and nor do they, it's purely for their 'swanning about' showing off tendencies, and he fears being expected to be grateful and enthusiastic?

Prior substance use that he might fear being pressured or cajoled into partaking in again in a certain environment?

He knows people who frequent said establishment, and has no desire to encounter them?

Fear of being exposed as lacking in some way, eg table manners, conversation, not being in control?

As you say OP, without knowing the people involved it's impossible to say here. It could be so many things.