To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

[123dontcomeatme]

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

Hey OP. I don’t usually respond on threads (I usually just lurk and read!) but actually signed in to respond to this,

I have personal experience of domestic abuse/sexual violence and coercion from men, and also work in this area (with women and families). If I can encourage you do to anything it would be to report this to the non-emergency police number and provide a statement about it.

It is unlikely he would be arrested let alone charged and would likely be given a warning around his behaviour, but it would mean that if in future any partners done a disclosure check on him (under Clare’s Law), this type of behaviour would be visible to police doing the check and they would know there have been past issues with his behaviour.

even if you aren’t happy to do it now, I’d absolutely say if any more instances of this occur, without doubt report it. Even though it is just a few messages, threatening/nasty language is still not ok. And coupled with the other behaviours, I do think it’s important.

It might be worth getting OP in to a book or providing her with some materials around DA/coercive control & behaviour, or signposting her to a film or programme about it. NHS can also signpost to courses around it. Although it’s amazing that she has recognised the issues and cut it off.

Also, I haven’t read all the responses here before sending - so apologies if all advice has already been given or circumstances have changed ! 💐

Police for sure and make sure they know it's just the two of you at home.

And if you have his parents' details then see or speak to them.

Show him quickly and clearly that this won't be tolerated and there will be consequences.

My cousin went through similar with her daughter when she split with quite a nasty boyfriend. She contacted his parents in the first instance and just explained the situation, they were really decent and said they'd speak to him. That didn't resolve things so she contacted the police and they went and spoke to him.

If there have been messages, and if he continues to contact her after requests not to, contact the police and then there will be some record. Change her number, most providers will let you do it for free if it is because of a result of stalking, DV, etc. Make sure he is blocked on absolutely everything, phone, email, socials. Tell her to ask her friends not to communicate with him also.

It's a lot different to back in my day in the 90's when you could just unplug the phone. You have no idea how volatile this kid could be - especially having contacted you direct to blame you. Hopefully he will take it in and that will be the end of it, but you just have to watch the news.

My dd went through a very similar relationship last year, the lad kept on messaging and calling her, and messaged me as well.

I contacted the police and initially they did a 'welfare check' on him due to the concerning nature of the messages, it was clear his mental health wasn't good. They told him to stop all communication. Unfortunately he didn't, he carried on, under different accounts, withholding his number etc and got charged with DA.

I would absolutely recommend going to the police sooner rather than later, I dread to think how things would have escalated if we had left it longer.

Op, our family experienced something very similar when my 17 year old dd's relationship broke up. Unfortunately it was just another red flag, and police involvement was eventually required.

Really hope that this won't be the case for you.

The first question the police will ask is have you told him not to contact you again. The second is have you blocked him. There is no point reporting this to the police if they haven't at the least told him to stop contacting them both and he continues. So far he hasn't committed a crime.

My daughter finished with her boyfriend as kindly as possible (still cares about him and wants to be friends but didn’t want a relationship). He was upset but okay. His best mate lost it and sent numerous voice notes to dd on Snapchat calling her a “fucking cunt who shouldn’t have gone out with his mate if she wasn’t serious.” (they dated 6 months) He threatened to beat her up and trash our house.

They are 13 (year 9)! It was scary and totally disproportionate. I don’t know where the anger comes from but there’s some really entitled people out there who cannot cope if they don’t get their own way.

Clare's law won't show up a report if no criminal activity was reported. Any Clare's law application in future would not be impacted in any way by reporting this.

The daughter told him to stop. He continued to harass her through a third party (her mother). Done.

There is no legal requirement re: harassment, to have “blocked” someone either.

I agree.

This doesn’t shock me at all, unfortunately. My DD is only in year 8 and there are a lot of relationships popping up now within her year and wow these little lads get nasty if a girl breaks up with them.

The girl generally gets called a mixture of fat/ugly/slag for a while. Rumours get spread about cheating (even though all anyone does is hold hands or hug sometimes). Nasty videos get uploaded, harassing phone calls and messages, mates get dragged in to help abuse the girl that dared to end a relationship she didn’t want anymore.

These boys are 12/13 ffs. It’s scary.

Tell your daughter to block him and report him to the police. They will talk to him. Good luck

He's not a boy, he's a man - respond as you would if any man behaved like this. I would inform police, and inform them of any future incidents too.

Thank you for your kind words. It’s been and continues to be a very difficult time. We’ve always been a very close family. Our DD was severely bullied at high school and he kind of rescued her from this. He is such bad news and totally different to her. It’s gone on and off for nearly 5 years and got worse as he’s got older.

@InkHeart2024 Clares Law checks can flag up complaints and things that haven’t resulted in charges, it’s highlighted in the statement they read to you after you’ve done one and before they give you the information. Aside from this, having an accurate and full background of an individuals behaviour for the police to have access to and look over for any future occurrences is really important. I.e if he is reported again in 2 years or 5 or 8, they would look back to identify any patterns of behaviours with others. Even if there is no charge, this is still visible to police doing the check, and helps to maintain the integrity of the victim and back up what they are saying about the behaviour they are seeing.

For other posters who feel it’s ridiculous to contact police re this - I do get it, but considering the string of strange behaviour OP talks about (and that it’s her daughters reason for ending the relationship), coupled with this, I think it feels reasonable to be reporting it as a non-emergency. I was just discussing a case with a friend days ago in which the man is going to trial soon in late 20s, but his original first warning re behaviour toward women was whilst he was 17. It is all relevant, and all builds a picture up.

You might have to keep on at the police. Speaking from experience. More senior officers kept on taking our case off the list. But I just kept on at them and eventually someone was allowed round to ‘have a word’.

Do you have contact details for his parents? Are they with him overseas? I am wondering whether first steps is to contact them and explain their DS is not coping with the split well and that (due to harassing calls/texts) he needs support? State that you are concerned both for his MH but also for your DD’s and will be contacting the police if he doesn’t stop?

Dd had this around a similar age. When blocked, he used cheap phones to message and email her, and me, even used his mother's phone. It was only when her older brother rang him and threatened the police that he stopped.

No advice that others haven't already given, but hoping there are no more texts or calls on your daughter’s phone this morning. It must have been very scary for her

Not to scare you but this made me think of the recent crossbow attack, ex boyfriend killed his ex gf, her mum and her sister. I think it’s very worth telling the police, even if it’s just so they have it on record.

The problem is that you don’t know whether he’s a pathetic lad who will calm down and regret sending these messages - or something much worse. I would go to a police station, show the messages and ask their advice. But I would also go round to his house and speak to his mother - unless you think she is st risk from him. I would want to know if my DSs behaved like that and I would hit the roof with them. That might be enough - parental involvement. Or it might not.

Children are not mature enough for a relationship they should focus on their studies. Me and my partner has three daughters. We were very hot on education. Now they are older and more mature they can have boyfriends. My oldest is 21 she has a boyfriend and my 19 year old is showing an interest in boys and she's very picky. I wish my 21 year old was picky, I fear she will be carrying him when she leaves university. He finished uni last year and he still hasn't got a job in what he studied. I won't stick my nose in it's none of my business she's an adult.

Police. No question. From the very start, police. Not because they're so amazing but because they're simply all you have and they aren't always very good, so you need to start early.