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Original poster

To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

605 replies

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 06:12

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

OP posts:
InkHeart2024 · 30/01/2025 07:18

Deetelves · 30/01/2025 07:13

Totally disagree… so many women and girls are gettting abused, hurt and murdered by men showing these EXACT traits.

Show quote history

Yes but he's not committed a crime. Yet.

DreamW3aver · 30/01/2025 07:20

OneBadKitty · 30/01/2025 07:10

I think it's ridiculous to call the police because a teenager who is feeling hurt sent you a message on instagram and tried to call his girlfriend who dumped him. This is not dangerous behaviour, it's the behaviour of a young man who is feeling rejected, hurt and experiencing the loss of a relationship for the first time.

Just block him and don't respond. Unless he's threatening to harm you then calling the police is an over-reaction and MN often advise this for minor things which in reality are not going to get any action from the police. He'll get over it and move on no doubt.

I'm not one for over reacting either but there have been a number of recent murders by ex partners that probably started in exactly the same way with angry messages

I don't know if the police would do anything but I think it's wise at least to be aware that it might escalate

Satsumamandarin · 30/01/2025 07:20

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 30/01/2025 06:30

I would report this to police now. This is how stalkers begin.

Unfortunately, the police won't care. They didn't care about my friend and it was scarier than this. OP could still threaten to send the texts to the police if he sends more as that might worry him.

biggreenapple24 · 30/01/2025 07:20

This is very very concerning, especially the repeated phone calls.

I would be contacting the police immediately to make them aware of the harassment and ask their advice.

If you have his address or phone number for the parents I'd also be contacting them to let them know. If it was my son I'd be horrified and wanting to get him into therapy asap.

SoulMole · 30/01/2025 07:22

Macrodatarefiner · 30/01/2025 06:45

I wouldn't threaten police, I'd make them aware so that if this escalates you're not starting from scratch with them.

She says she is scared of him in person, is she safe? How likely is he to be able to catch her on her way to work etc...

100%. There is also a high likelihood he'll do it to someone else (or worse). Remember that this is the stuff divulged in DA disclosure.

BlackSheepThisYear · 30/01/2025 07:24

Oh gosh, your poor daughter.
Straight to the police this morning - you need to be strong for her.
Report him.
Do not let her meet him 'to talk'.
Change her usual daily behaviour and routes, or give her lifts until he's backed off.
Yes, this all sounds a bit over the top. Except there's been too many instances of young men acting out when they get dumped. I've known a case close to me in real life which ended in her death. I'm not meaning to scare you but please don't just threaten the police and then leave him to seethe quietly. Show him you will do what is needed to protect your daughter, and also show him that his behaviour is not appropriate.

mommatoone · 30/01/2025 07:25

Another example of an angry young man getting aggressive when things don't go his way. Why the hell is this becoming more common? Block him OP. Keep a record of everything and definitely consider contacting the police. Nip this in the bud before it escalates.

NewBrightonEel · 30/01/2025 07:26

My daughter had this with her ex. She put up with it for a few weeks before telling me and agreeing to go to the police. The police were brilliant, took a statement and copies of his messages and her call log and paid him a visit. It stopped but if he ever shows his face again or gets in touch it's all logged with them. Good luck - I hope it gets resolved quickly xx

MellowCritic · 30/01/2025 07:27

Katesyd · 30/01/2025 06:30

Why does she need a man to sort it out??

Unfortunately sometimes that what it takes. Some men need to hear another man's voice to back off...

Fedupoftheshits · 30/01/2025 07:29

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your daughter.

What a nasty piece of work. Just to echo numerous other posters that have said contact the police, he's harassing you and your daughter. Take screenshots of everything. Stop all communication with him.

I also don't think it's an overreaction to involve police, he's demonstrated volatile behaviour and he needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Curtainqueen · 30/01/2025 07:29

Personally I wouldn’t tell him you are going to report it to the police. Firstly it might inflame the situation but also It will have more impact if he isn’t expecting it. Just get it on record so that if it does escalate you’ve got a trail of evidence from the beginning.

WarmthAndDepth · 30/01/2025 07:32

The fragility of a bruised male ego can make things turn nasty in a thrice. If you have his parents' details, consider contacting them to outline what he's up to, and request they give him a welfare check. Then you've alerted his parents without appearing to escalate things. They should come down on him like a tonne of bricks.

Make sure your daughter is not worn down by him, persuaded into reasoning with him or otherwise guilted into reconsidering the break-up. Keep her busy, do nice things with her, leave few empty moments when he could 'get to her', as this also isn't uncommon.

NamechangeRugby · 30/01/2025 07:32

biggreenapple24 · 30/01/2025 07:20

This is very very concerning, especially the repeated phone calls.

I would be contacting the police immediately to make them aware of the harassment and ask their advice.

If you have his address or phone number for the parents I'd also be contacting them to let them know. If it was my son I'd be horrified and wanting to get him into therapy asap.

This... all day long.

I can't believe how dismissive and hopeless some pp's are.

Starsandall · 30/01/2025 07:32

Please report it and do not tell him just block him on devices and social media. His behaviour to you and your daughter is harassment. I was in a situation like this when I was young and it didn’t get better easily.

Lightswitchup · 30/01/2025 07:33

I don’t think any of us can anticipate what the police would or wouldn’t do. I came on to say warn and block but some of what you’re saying suggests he is putting you in fear, whether directly threatening or not. I think it is worth contacting the police for their advice at least.

Hoardasurass · 30/01/2025 07:33

@123dontcomeatme don't threaten to report him to the police aa that may set him off worse.
Please actually call the police and report his abusive arse asap. This sort of nasty abusive male only escalates his behaviour towards women until they wind up in jail for murder or attempted murder or are stopped by the police. The sooner that he's on the polices radar as an abusive coersive male, the sooner he gets stopped and there's a record for a Clare law request which might just save a future women's life.

NautilusLionfish · 30/01/2025 07:34

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 06:33

No male relative, single parent household.

It's really nasty, he was being really horrible tp her last night, he phoned her 25 times over the space of about 10 mins. She text him to stop and said she wasn't going to pick up, that's when he started messaging me.

She didn't dump him via text, but said to him they needed to talk about their relationship at the weekend. And then he went unhinged.

The calls were on top of the texts telling her to ' be a man and just fucking do it'

I'm so angry at him and horrified that he could speak to her like this. Then for him to start on me!

She said she couldn't meet him in person now as he doesn't feel safe.

I read all the time about male aggression towards women, but I am shocked by this.

Am sorry you two are going through this op. Its part of a horrific misogynistic culture where men think they own women. Its very common in the US (the extreme cases being the family annihilators) and increasingly here. Please , I don't mean to scare you but report it to the police and keep a trail of evidence. Both of you report it separately so that its 2 cases and hopefully will be taken seriously. What a nit!

WarmthAndDepth · 30/01/2025 07:34

And I should have said, definitely contact the police.

healthybychristmas · 30/01/2025 07:35

The police need to be called for his own good. He needs someone to talk to him and tell him now that this isn't acceptable otherwise god knows what he's going to be like in the future.

What were your concerns beforehand?

Alwaystired23 · 30/01/2025 07:37

Tontostitis · 30/01/2025 06:35

I would forward that to the police. They may not do anything but they might. 1 message can be ignored but 2 counts as harassment. Even if they just have a chat with him it might stop him doing worse to the next family he encounters. He has serious issues and it should be flagged. Reread what you write it's a bit scary Yes it is scary and don't ignore that gut instinct. 2 women a week die at the hands of men in this country every week and most of them know the men.

I would definitely do this.

CoralHare · 30/01/2025 07:37

It’s obviously not great and a good confirmation she was right to end the relationship. But also this is the equivalent of having a row in the living room for this generation.

TheaBrandt · 30/01/2025 07:38

My 16 year said the other day that when a girl ends a relationship however gently in her experience the boy turns nasty and lashes out. The only boy that didn’t do this was HK Chinese. We live in a “nice” area most of the boys are at private schools but not all. It’s depressing.

couchparsnip · 30/01/2025 07:41

I don't know why people are saying he hasn't committed a crime. Harassment in the form of repeated abusive messages is a crime.
I hope you and your DD are alright. this sounds scary. A visit from the police might be just what he needs to stop it escalating.

Pancakeparlour · 30/01/2025 07:42

I am not surprised, it seems to be common behaviour these days.

My dd(almost)17 has had a few very short relationships (mainly chatting online to local lads) and when she has called it a day, because they are showing signs of control and manipulation they go ballistic. It has really put her of dating anyone new, she says she thinks she wants to remain single for the rest of her life.

It is really quite a worrying trend that so many young men feel they can manipulate and control young women and when a relationship ends they don't have the emotional intelligence to walk away with their heads held high, they take it so personally that it can be quite scary.

Namechangehsbdhdhdh · 30/01/2025 07:42

Keep evidence.

Make sure she knows that he is the one who should be ashamed and is solely to blame for his actions.

I would probably go to the police sooner rather than later if he could escalate with naked pictures or similar.