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Original poster

To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

605 replies

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 06:12

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

OP posts:
Luddite26 · 10/02/2025 17:01

Arran2024 · 10/02/2025 15:22

Show quote history

Always grateful when the thread police turn up making sure we know.🥴

Arran2024 · 10/02/2025 17:20

Luddite26 · 10/02/2025 17:01

Always grateful when the thread police turn up making sure we know.🥴

Show quote history

Oh. That's unnecessary.

My daughter was stalked and we had cameras fitted and we were instructed on what we could and couldn't do by the security company. Our cameras point into the garden.

MILLYmo0se · 10/02/2025 17:50

123dontcomeatme · 05/02/2025 04:41

I'm going to update on the basis that it might help someone else.

There was no rush to involve the police and we could have left it and gone at a much slower pace. Since it was not something that had just then happened. If it had, that's a different matter and there are processes to preserve evidence.

The police came round and took an initial statement. They are going to phone dd in a few days to see if she wants to go ahead with a video and audio statement, there is no pressure for her to do so. She can chose not to or chose to wait 6 months or even do it then withdraw. Its victim led. At this point they make a decision to see if they can arrest, invite in for a chat or do nothing. Since there is no evidence it's likely to be the latter, which we knew. So ultimately this was and is extra pressure at a difficult time. There is a lot re cohersive control but basically all conversations they had were through snap and they said almost impossible to retrieve. They checked we blocked, which we did when this started last Wednesday. They put a marker on our house and her car which doesn't stop anything but maybe means a quicker reaction. It doesn't stop him driving down our road or anything through.
We had already called rape crisis support who were fantastic and provide 24/7 support.

The only outcome will be that this is now recorded on his record and should anyone report anything else in the future it will help build a picture.

But that should not have come above dds emotional needs. The police could have waited. I don't know what people assumed was going to happen and if there would be some dramatic immediate arrest.

To be honest telling his parents probably had more impact because now they know and even if they chose to think dd made it all up, they will have really laid into him and warned him off contacting her. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

So I want to say to anyone who has or is in a similar position, please don't feel under any pressure to do anything. Use the rape crisis helpline, which is free and can support you. It is OK to go at your own pace and should you want to involve the police they can also support you with that. The police are there to take care of the criminal side, they can only look at the law and how it can be applied, they cannot take care of your emotional needs or even agree with you or sympathise as that would be seen to be not impartial. The police lady said herself it's a big step and dd was very brave. It would have been OK for dd to collect her thoughts and prepare rather than the whirlwind we had. As said, they now leave her for a few days to see if she wants to take the next step they aren't in any rush for that to happen immediately.

I understand that for most the advice given was with the right intention, but it actually wasn't correct at all and put even more pressure on a horrendous situation. This is the only reason I've come back to update so anyone reading who has gone through similar doesn't feel they are awful or feel under immense pressure to take a step they aren't quite ready for.

To be fair, many of us that advised going to the police did so before the rape disclosure was made so we were talking about a totally different type of reporting, and it would have been you making a report either by yourself or along with DD. This advice was always with the intent 'of building a picture', no one expected anything to actually happen based just on the reports bar maybe a chat but that was unlikely, it was just to make the process easier and faster should his behaviour continue to escalate.
A report if rape is an entirely different process for the victim and cannot be rushed into headlong (if at all) unless they are the one driving the process.

Weezypopsy · 04/06/2025 07:36

How are things now, OP? Hope you and your daughter are okay.

healthybychristmas · 04/06/2025 09:42

I've just read the whole thread again and it's so shocking. I hope things have calm down now though I'm sure he's just moved onto someone else. I hope your daughter's friends have apologised and come back to her.

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