To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

[123dontcomeatme]

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

No, her best friend.
Said she wasn't there so can't pick sides. Obviously she wouldn't have been there, no one was.

All i can think of is that they are young and stupid and don't know how to deal with this kind of thing. But that's not helpful to dd right now.

I am so sorry to hear this new turn of events. Hugs to you and your DD

@123dontcomeatme I'm so sorry . A few friends did this to me in a similar situation many years ago. I can still remember the shock and the hurt. But I learned that true friends are the more important ones, not the fair weather ones. Sending you and your DD support x

You really do find out who your friends are in times of trouble and this so-called best friend has really let your daughter down. It won't feel like it at the moment, but it's probably for the best and she can have a fresh start once she's feeling better. xxx

Just wanted to say what a lovely mum you are, OP. Your poor daughter will recover although she won't forget. This terrible experience and your brilliant support will make her wise about relationships in the future.

Sending love to you and your daughter.

It’s terrible that her friends have reacted that way, so awful for her. Sounds like there are some that are sticking with her, I really hope they continue to. Those are the people that count.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been through something similar when I was younger. Speaking about it to people I loved and counsellors helped. There are therapies which may be helpful like EMDR. It may be useful to speak to the GP when she’s ready?

Hope things get better.

Take care of yourself and your daughter. Hugs.

I know the OP has left the thread, but just wanted to add my support and admiration for her and the way she has handled this. And to say that it is so good to hear her say that her DD understands that the shame is not hers. I wish all the best for you both

That's awful @123dontcomeatme
Sending you and your daughter strength and love. 💐❤️

It's very sad for your DD but she's done the right thing and she can be proud of herself for that. Her so called BF would rather not take sides but at least your DD now knows she can't rely on her. I very much hope your DD Ex will at least end up in court so people can see the real him.

That's awful. When my daughter was stalked, one member of the friendship group supported her. The others supported him. In fact, one loaned the ex his phone so he could get past her having blocked the ex's numbers and he later came to the house when the ex got the restraining order.

It is hard to deal with the ripples that occur following incidents like this xx

100% report to the police. This happened locally to me. A teenage girl killed by her stalker ex after the police dismissed his behaviour as just teenage unrequited love. It is deperately sad. www.northumbria.police.uk/news/northumbria/news/convictions-and-sentencings/teen-jailed-hexham-murder/

I had a similar experience after being sexually assaulted. Because he was a popular barman that everyone liked, people I confided in whom I thought were my friends distanced themselves from me after I told them what happened.

edited because my spell checker alleged that he was a popular Batman. That, he most certainly was not.

I am so sorry that some of you have experienced similar reactions, my heart breaks for you all.

Another update, which will have to be reported to the police... this morning I find my car tyre is flat. Its got a huge screw sticking out of it.

Physics says that if I had driven over it then it would have been pushed into the tyre and be sitting flush. This was about a inch proud and not bent or twisted.

Feel very concerned this is malicious. Actually feel a bit frightened. And on top of that the cost to replace is so out of my budget right now.
Was late for work but did get in as borrowed my daughters car while she's at home sorting mine will need to leave work to give her back her car as she needs it this afternoon. Its just all such a lot and I just feel like crying

Oh I am so sorry, yes you should def report. I would also up your security. Do you have a ring door alarm bell set to record? You can also get little cameras from Ring to face into the garden. We were advised to get those by the police. It is so hard to gather the evidence. We had all sorts of wierd things happen which we knew were down to the ex - actually proving it is a different matter and these guys can find it amusing to toy with you.

I hope your daughter is able to be accompanied all the time for now. She might also want to get the Hollie Guard safety app on her phone (and you).

I can't afford things like ring doorbells, I wish I could.

Whats the app?

I just feel so bewildered.

Sadly, this is pretty common and I don't think it's just becuase they're young. I am quite comfortable saying that I am not going to engage with person X because of Y but I am constantly surprised by how many people think I'm a bit harsh or who say "oh there are always two sides" or whatever. And to be clear, I'm not slagging off people or being rude, just choosing to remove myself.

It's sad that your dd's best friend isn't in her corner. One thing that MAY bring her some comfort, if not now but later, is that men like this have often been waging a subtle but hugely effective campaign against their target for ages before the final break up happen (in fact, it can often delay the break up because when the victim tries to talk to her friends/family, they are on his side or blame her for the problems). So, for example, he might have made "jokes" about how "silly" or "hysterical" or "emotional" she was (in front of her, or when she wasn't around) by twisting things that happened. Or perhaps if he had been pushing her and making her upset, and she lashed out or shouted, he'd have positioned it to their friends as "see what i have to put up with" etc.

She's very lucky to have you in her corner because it's frightening how often the women's own family are taken in by this.

I'm so sorry OP. This must seem like a nightmare for you both. I don't know what to suggest, just wanted to say how awful it is

I'm sorry, OP. Please do report the tyre incident which was clearly deliberate. And ask your neighbours if they have door cameras; they might have caught him on it.

I had something similar happen to me when I was 18 a very long time ago. My parents were not the sort that you could turn to for help, so I tried to deal with it alone. I was punched in the face, stalked and threatened with a knife. it only ended when a group of young men who I knew got together and threatened him. I can still remember the hyper vigilance and anxiety and fear and shock I felt. In those days, although I went to the police, they didn't want to know. Keep logging with the police OP.
Do you know anyone tough who could scare off the little shit?

The basic Hollie Guard app is free https://hollieguard.com/

There are other cheaper doorbells https://toptechreport.org/best-video-doorbells-uk/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_id=18513645584&utm_content=142980747598&utm_term=best%20ring%20doorbell&creativeId=673067973967&gclid=CjwKCAiA5Ka9BhB5EiwA1ZVtvHf_qhpKYAFHKivtxnlxtg3pbA6dkAEXfI8opdEAj1AkRNRgBnVzxhoC2wgQAvD_BwE&gad_source=1

Have the police issued him with a PIN? If not, ask them to do this https://www.anthonycollins.com/insights/ebriefings/acrimonious-separation-a-guide-to-police-information-harassment-notices-pins/

Record anything suspicious - dates, times.

Little sh*t!!

Unfortunately social isolation is one of the weapons abusers like to use. Is she going away to uni in September? That would give her something to look forward to, and it it's a time where you make new friends anyway. I don't suppose that you can afford to take her away for a weekend? Just to get away from it all.

In terms of security, are your neighbours any use? They might have cameras of their own or might have seen someone acting suspiciously.

My word I'm so so sorry for you both.

Do you have neighbours who you are friends with - they might have cameras that point at the house and car, or that could be set to point at the house and car, or be willing to lend you a camera (I know I would if I was your neighbour!). The police might be able to suggest something too, or at least to put a marker on your house so they respond on priority if you call.

Your daughter's "friends" are absolute bastards - I'm so sorry she's having to face that too on top of everything else.

Talk to the police, keep notes of everything, and hang on in there - I know you feel bewildered, but you are clearly a very strong pair of women. You will get through this.

Just FYI, there are rules around pointing cameras onto the street https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-cctv-using-cctv-systems-on-your-property/domestic-cctv-using-cctv-systems-on-your-property

I'm 20 and I can tell you that teenage boys are SO pathetic.
EVERY ONE that I have broken up with has sent me threatening msgs on social media. But to do it to you is especially horrible.
Your daughter must be feeling SO embarrassed - I know I would if my mother was involved by a boy.
Trouble is, boys can NOT take rejection like we have to.
And, more importantly and more annoyingly they seem to have this belief that "feminists" are responsible for (a) the problems of the world and (b) the individual decisions of us.
They are just so delusional and I have had to involve the police in 2 of the cases involving exes.
Don't delay - do everything possible to safeguard yourself and your daughter

My grandson had a loopy girlfriend who stalked the whole family after they’d broken up.

We had to get a restraining order on the end 🙄🤷‍♀️