To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

[123dontcomeatme]

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

No. 25 calls in 10 minutes is frightening behaviour and not normal in any way. People break up all the time, they don't have to harass the girlfriend and her mum!

I would inform the police about having concerns about his behaviour. Get it on record now.

You need to contact the police now. He has already moved into harassment territory. Even if the police do nothing more that pay him a visit, it may be all he needs.

Tell the police now so it's logged. Not only will it help you make a case if this continues, but it will flag him with previous if another woman experiences this behaviour from him in future.

I might be inclined to tell him mum too...

Oh and block across all platforms. Is there anyone who could be used as a gateway to your daughter, in the same way you were? Review all your privacy settings, things like not friends can't add you to group chats, or being tags in tictok posts.

He isn’t a boy, he’s a man, a young man but he’s an adult. Well done to your daughter for ending it with him rather than staying with him and hopefully him harassing her mother means she won’t reconsider.

You did the right thing blocking him straightaway and not replying. Does she have to see him again at college or school or same social circles? Has she blocked him on everything and stopped engaging? Police might be able to advise on how to deal with him. These things can escalate quickly because men like this are so entitled and when they feel they’re been wronged they can be very dangerous. If either of you or anyone else in your family feel threatened again definitely report him.

don’t threaten to go to the police. Go to the police.

To be honest, I don't think a threat of police will put him off that much. They are not the scary authority to aggressive arseholes that people on here seem to think.
Yes, keep records and go legal route if he continues.

I'm so sorry to hear that, and at 14!

And that it escalated too. It's just awful.

It was 25 calls and constant messages.

She's still asleep and I'm not going to wake her, but will assess when I know what's happened over night.

He's actually out of the country and not back until late Friday so we don't need to worry physically right now, that helps.

Reading the comments from others please be careful, don't speak to his mum, do nothing to escalate at all. Don't respond to anything. As much as you want retribution and I am sure your Daughter does too, do it legally through the police. The risks are too high to you all.

This is very scary, lots of useful advise above which I can say you're taking on board. Do you know his mother/father?

This has to be taken extremely seriously it's how I imagine Kyle Clifford started!

I’d talk with his parents and I’d make the police aware today! There are enough television programmes showing how these things go, it never ends well. He’s clearly someone with major issues and not someone I would want anywhere near my daughter, please look after yourselves.

Just seen this. Your daughter doesn’t feel safe and understandably so. Report him now. She did the right thing not to see him in person. Maybe a visit from the police will give him enough of a shock to leave her alone straight away and never behave this way again. The latter is very much wishful thinking.

The police probably won’t do much. But there will be a record of it in case it escalates, or he does this again.

@123dontcomeatme We were rather shocked too and still can't get our head round it. The wider family are involved too. The saddest thing for us, is they really loved each other and they had so many good times and memories from a first relationship, that's all ruined now. I really worry about how both my son and me and DH can ever trust again.

The realist in me agrees wholeheartedly with you. But the optimist in me wants to believe some of these fuckweasels change for the better and never behave this way again.

I'm not one to jump into involving the police but I agree that this is worrying behaviour.

You daughter should send one final message saying that their relationship is over, she does not want to be contacted again by him, and if he continues to try to contact her against her wishes, she will contact the police. Then he can't claim that he "didn't know" or "thought she might want to get back together."

Hopefully, he is an upset young man who isn't thinking straight, and will come to see that he's behaved unreasonably. But there are enough frightening stories that I wouldn't want to risk otherwise.

I think it's ridiculous to call the police because a teenager who is feeling hurt sent you a message on instagram and tried to call his girlfriend who dumped him. This is not dangerous behaviour, it's the behaviour of a young man who is feeling rejected, hurt and experiencing the loss of a relationship for the first time.

Just block him and don't respond. Unless he's threatening to harm you then calling the police is an over-reaction and MN often advise this for minor things which in reality are not going to get any action from the police. He'll get over it and move on no doubt.

Good for her for spotting a wrong ‘un. I’d report to the police, and them tell him you’ve done so.

This. They're both young, break ups are new to them.

i would report this so there’s a record with the police. I would tell him this and if you have his mums details - tell her.
DSis has her sweet, MC ex boyfriend send her AWFUL messages when they broke up - they were both early
20s.
she dumped him. My mum forwarded them to his mum - and she was mortified and dealt with him. this was 20 years ago so it’s not all the fault of SM but that certainly doesn’t help.

Totally disagree… so many women and girls are gettting abused, hurt and murdered by men showing these EXACT traits.

He might be pissed off, and young, but this is a majority disproportionate response. Majorly! I don’t see how anyone could view this as minor.

When I was 19 I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months. He was always a bit of a dick and that night we were meant to meet up and’s go out but he rang me when I was only 10 minutes from his house to say he had changed his mind and was going out with his mates instead. So I said that’s fine but I was dumping him. (As I said there was a long line of this type of behaviour and I’d had enough).
His response was to go crazy. He kept ringing me all night and for days after. Leaving nasty voicemails. Sending awful tests calling me names. He was saying he had filmed us having sex and was going to send it to my mum and everyone I knew.
I told my mum and we went down to the local police station and the guy there was really nice. He rang my ex and said he needed to stop contacting me and threatening me. Ex tried to blame me saying I’d been texting him first. The police man said even if that is true right now it doesn’t matter. She is agreeing right now to never contact you again. Do you also agree?
Thankfully just speaking to the police scared the shit out of him. (He kept asking if it was going to go on his record and affect his job!) But I don’t know if it would have that effect these days.

I would send a copy and recording of everything so far to his mother, any educational/ workplace setting he is involved with and start recording things with the police (though do be aware they won't give a shit and will be dismissive. but you are getting stuff noted down for the rare case that this escalates).

I dealt with too many arseholes like this in my youth to let it happen to dd. They get off on it scaring you, but when I was old enough to start immediately biting back it was surprising how quickly they back down. They didn't like it at all when others around them knew what they were doing (don't bother threatening the police, that never works, but peer pressure tends to).

While I'm sure there is the odd cretin who will escalate there are many more still pretending to be a nice guy to everyone else they know.

It was liberating when I realised they weren't these big scary men who would hurt me, most are just bullies who yelp away at the first sign of others peering under the rock at them.

Edited to add that one ex did escalate. He started to sleep outside my parents house and even my towering father didn't scare him off. He ended up chasing me down a street and pushing me over a low metal fence, injuring my leg. That was the only one and the reason it's best to start the ball rolling with a report to police early, even if the majority of times nothing will come of it).

I am not sure why people are recommending logging it with police. Police don't just log things. They take reports of potential crimes and if there is no crime they don't do anything. They obviously don't delete reports but having reported something that isn't a crime won't make any difference in future if he does commit a crime. He hasn't committed a crime yet, but you and your DD need to tell him not to contact you again. If he does, in a way that is excessive/harassing/threatening, then you need to report it to the police. And don't delete any of the messages or call logs in the meantime. Take screenshots.