To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

[123dontcomeatme]

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

Pepper spray is illegal in the UK.

The OP would do well to disregard some of the advice, however wellmeaning, upthread. I had also posted to the tune of reporting this to the police, but this was before the later updates stating the wishes of the victim herself. OP - of course you can't go to the police over your DD's head. That would be a breach of trust that would put a probably traumatised young woman under even more pressure. I'll not comment on making so many others aware of this situation other than to say what's done is now done. Whilst escalation is a fear, sometimes advice is given to tell others what you are going through as this, too, can serve as a mode of protection. It can feel impossible to know what to do for the best sometimes.

I know that if memories of traumatic events are hazy, it can seem intimidating to report. But this is exactly how trauma works, and most professionals who work with the victims of trauma will be appraised of this. It might be helpful to know that the theory of so-called 'false memory' is hotly contested, and might even have been debunked. I Googled this one as I wrote this post, and the first page of hits that came up certainly suggest that this is the case.

Remember that none of this is your fault or your daughter's.

@SerafinasGoose Each to their own, I would rather my DD get done for carrying Pepper spray than being sexual assaulted! 😊

I'm so sorry @123dontcomeatme you must feel wretched knowing he abused your DD and in her own home. He's a very worrying young man, he thinks he's entitled to treat your poor DD so badly but she should want to be with him. I know getting the police involved needs to be your DDs choice but he was dangerous before, now your DD has told her friends and exposed his real character he will be even worse. Please, please, get the police involved, better to be safe than sorry

Im so sorry to see your update OP. This guy sounds like an absolute deviant, and I bet it's not the first time he has crossed the line. You have done the right thing contacting the Police, albeit she shouldn't feel pressured into taking it further if she doesnt want to.By merely reporting it,she could be adding pieces to a jigsaw that is starting to develop of this guy. The main thing is your daughter is safe and away from him,and you clearly have a great relationship where she can confide in you.

Sending you and your very brave DD my best wishes @123dontcomeatme I think you and she are very wise to not rush anything. Who knows what else may come back to her. Nobody imagines this happening to their child. Thank goodness she ended it.

OP, your daughter can talk to the police about what happened but I don't believe they can force her to make a statement of any sort.

By telling the police she puts that scum on their radar.

Your poor daughter.
I cannot imagine how stressful this is for you.

Well done. Hoping this is the end of it.

also you and your daughter are brave to take this step. If he does it to someone else in the future in a sneakier way there will already be a record that he has history for being abusive.

What did the police say? I think you’re doing all the right things.

I'm going to update on the basis that it might help someone else.

There was no rush to involve the police and we could have left it and gone at a much slower pace. Since it was not something that had just then happened. If it had, that's a different matter and there are processes to preserve evidence.

The police came round and took an initial statement. They are going to phone dd in a few days to see if she wants to go ahead with a video and audio statement, there is no pressure for her to do so. She can chose not to or chose to wait 6 months or even do it then withdraw. Its victim led. At this point they make a decision to see if they can arrest, invite in for a chat or do nothing. Since there is no evidence it's likely to be the latter, which we knew. So ultimately this was and is extra pressure at a difficult time. There is a lot re cohersive control but basically all conversations they had were through snap and they said almost impossible to retrieve. They checked we blocked, which we did when this started last Wednesday. They put a marker on our house and her car which doesn't stop anything but maybe means a quicker reaction. It doesn't stop him driving down our road or anything through.
We had already called rape crisis support who were fantastic and provide 24/7 support.

The only outcome will be that this is now recorded on his record and should anyone report anything else in the future it will help build a picture.

But that should not have come above dds emotional needs. The police could have waited. I don't know what people assumed was going to happen and if there would be some dramatic immediate arrest.

To be honest telling his parents probably had more impact because now they know and even if they chose to think dd made it all up, they will have really laid into him and warned him off contacting her. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

So I want to say to anyone who has or is in a similar position, please don't feel under any pressure to do anything. Use the rape crisis helpline, which is free and can support you. It is OK to go at your own pace and should you want to involve the police they can also support you with that. The police are there to take care of the criminal side, they can only look at the law and how it can be applied, they cannot take care of your emotional needs or even agree with you or sympathise as that would be seen to be not impartial. The police lady said herself it's a big step and dd was very brave. It would have been OK for dd to collect her thoughts and prepare rather than the whirlwind we had. As said, they now leave her for a few days to see if she wants to take the next step they aren't in any rush for that to happen immediately.

I understand that for most the advice given was with the right intention, but it actually wasn't correct at all and put even more pressure on a horrendous situation. This is the only reason I've come back to update so anyone reading who has gone through similar doesn't feel they are awful or feel under immense pressure to take a step they aren't quite ready for.

Just to add, that said, dd says she feels better for telling someone and ' doing the right thing'

But this is a personal reaction. It was difficult for her to talk about and she was shaking and crying the whole time. Its intimate and humiliating and took a huge amount of courage, less than 24hrs after dd had remembered it ( trauma disassociation)

She also said she feels better that people know. She didn't do this so why should she have to be the one carrying the pain, humiliation and shame. He should be ashamed and by not telling anyone he got to carry on as normal while her life was turned upside down.

As I said earlier, it's not going to the police to report a stolen bike. The police have their place but there are other agencies who can support and it is ok to go at your own pace for your own reasons.

OP I’m glad you and your DD went to the police it was always the right thing to do. I’m sorry you still feel that you were right and everyone else was wrong. However it’s important that they know for safety like you said the marker is on if he does decide to approach your DD but also it’s there on his record to help protect the next person. That was all that everyone wanted your DD as safe as she can be in an awful situation. Your DD is 100% right she has nothing to be ashamed about.

I was physically assaulted by a guy in my youth, I reported to the police and they returned days later to ask if I wanted to take further. My parents thought they were doing right by not applying any pressure to me however what they didn’t realise is that the guys parents had got to me in the meantime and had begged me not to say or do anything. All I needed was a little pressure on my side to reassure me I was doing the right thing the positive impact there would be etc., and I would have done it and as an adult I wish every single day that I had. I always worry about who else he did it to because I did nothing.

Jumpers- I'm sorry that happened to you, I really am but to say ' I'm sorry you feel you were right and everyone else is wrong' is really off.

It is not my dds responsibility to do anything to potentially protect anyone else. It's not anyone's responsibility to do that, paticularly after something to intimate and harrowing.

The victim support leaflet we were given states on the front page that the police don't have to be involved. Rape crisis say oj their website and in person, you don't have to go to the police. Have a Google of any rape support page and they all say the same thing.

It is so so personal and has such a low conviction rate. That doesn't make it right, but those are the facts. Many many women chose not to report and not to put themselves through further distress for that reason. That's not me making it up, it's well documented. And dd is 18, just on the cusp of being an adult, it's a massive under taking.

The need for you to come on and make a comment like that, in the face of our real time distress is really nasty.

A marker on our home isn't a forcefield so it doesn't make her safer either. If something happens it's still to call 999 as anyone would and we all know how stretched police responses are.

I don't want to be rude, but I feel your response is quite harsh and not correct.

OP I really hope this is the end of it and I agree that telling g his family was a good move. These men live seemingly respectable lives as far as family are concerned. It’s good he has been exposed. I was a victim of indecent exposure in a dog walk. The perpertrator was a 19 year old lad who lived with his mum. It took me following him ata distance over several weeks to find his address . Police just didn’t have the staff to do this. He went to court and is now in the sex register. I like to think I may have prevented other women from going through this, and maybe nipped his behaviour in the bud at a young age. His mum was devastated in court.
I wish your DD well. Stay strong.

OP I’m sorry you felt like that I didn’t mean it in a nasty way and probably a poorly worded way to express myself. I just felt you have been anti involving the police since the very beginning and felt like it continued afterwards, and I honestly do not believe that is the right message, we should all be encouraging girls and women to report, (some) boys and men have been getting away with behaviour like this for far too long and we all as a society have a responsibility to stand up and speak out about it. I agree with you it isn’t your daughter’s responsibility but when she is much older maybe with children of her own it won’t stop her from feeling responsible or guilty even when she shouldn’t.

I wish your whole family nothing but peace and comfort.

Jumper.

Please find me any, any at all, rape support service that says ' you must go to the police immediately and do the right thing '

You won't find one because it doesn't exist.

It's not down to me and certainly not down to my dd to try to change society at this moment in time.

I'm not anti anything, im pro support of my dd.

I feel very sad for your daughter; she is so young and just starting her adult life. Such an experience can have a lasting impact. She is so lucky to have her Mum supporting and advocating for her. Not everyone has that.

Speaking from experience, keep an eye out for anything unusual and help your daughter heal and move on at a pace she is comfortable with. Encourage her to slowly start enjoying the things teenagers enjoy again without this horrible person spoiling everything for her. It's probably a bit early, but it might be worth considering some counselling. It can take a while to get it sorted out, so maybe start looking for one now. It really helped my daughter!

What's right for the actual victim in these cases is what's the right thing to do. The decision to report is theirs alone and they already feel they've lost enough autonomy following this particularly invasive, horrible crime. Supporting her decision was entirely right.

It's good that your daughter also feels this is not her shame to carry. Women don't owe our abusers our silence, collusion or loyalty. There is advice that others knowing what's going on can serve as another protective mechanism. Silence only serves to protect them in the longrun.

It is good, though, that the police have a log number in the event that this escalates, although I sincerely hope you've seen and heard that last of this horrendous, abusive man.

That this behaviour is already learned and ingrained by only 18 years of age is a real worry. I was raped at 15 and stalked at 17, and by those ages some young men really do appear empowered in their entitlement to do whatever they feel like to whoever they want.

It's possible, and certainly starting to feel as if, this situation is unfixable. For now, the safety and wishes of victims come first.

I’m sorry OP but you seriously believe your DD telling her work mates, his parents, his friends etc… was a better idea than going to the police? This situation has only just been taken seriously and thank God nothing had happened to her sooner.

My goodness, your dd has been so brave. So sorry she’s going through this. Just wanted to say you are doing a fabulous job of supporting her. I hope you can get her some counselling/therapy as the impact of all this will affect her for a long time.

I understand people saying “go to the police” it seems so logical if you’ve never been through anything like this. But it should always be “go only if/when you feel you can & don’t beat yourself up if you feel you can’t”. As you say, in this case, there was no evidence to preserve, so definitely no rush to make that decision. That said, I’m pleased you got a good police response who are following up & not dismissing immediately as “no evidence”.

Wishing you both peace as you navigate this.

Op can I give you some solid advice shut the thread down you and your daughter are getting all the support you need. This thread is becoming dangerous. A woman should not be coerced into anything that she doesn't want to do. If she wants to go to the police she will go, if she wants to tell people about it then she can. I have been sa the people on this thread are trying to push for their way "your daughter must go to the police" trying to force and guilt trip the op those posters don't sound any better than her daughters abuser.

You have no idea his parents will lay into him. Or how he will react knowing he's been complained about to family and friends. Of course it's victim led. Well done to your daughter. You should continue- she.will be doubting herself and you will need to stay strong.

Your daughter is so brave.
Do not underestimate the power of what she did in putting a marker on HIS name.

I really wish you both well.

Before I say anything, I want to say well done to your daughter - that was a very brave thing she did.

Regarding going to the police, I think there were maybe two things at play during this thread (I commented above and I know that that is the case for me). I would NEVER advise that someone SHOULD go to the police about sexual violence - that is entirely their call and only their call - they can if they think it would help them, but they should not feel obliged.

What I, and I think others, were advising is that the police should be approached for threats of violence and harassment, ie the things that happened BEFORE you knew what this bastard had done to your daughter before they broke up. I gave the advice I did because I was genuinely concerned that he sounded like the kind of man that kills.