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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

605 replies

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 06:12

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

OP posts:
FlappingMadly · 03/02/2025 07:31

Again, go to.police. Go now. Write it all down if you think you might forget important points.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 03/02/2025 07:33

@123dontcomeatme absolutely no use going to his parents! he is an adult at 18!! just go straight to the police like PPs have been advising you to do since you first posted!!

Itsme3167 · 03/02/2025 07:41

I think you’re being incredibly naive. You absolutely must go to the police. If only to protect your daughter. Why wouldn’t you???? And WHY go to his parents? He’s a grown man ffs!!!!!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/02/2025 08:03

Support her in going to the police. Don’t contact his parents.

lobsterkiller · 03/02/2025 08:06

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. I think you need to ask her about what she wants to do about this and its definitely a pattern of behaviour from him. I would not be approaching the parents. I'd be guiding her to the police and also support services.

As a pp said, write down any times/dates she can recall. And sending you both a hug.

Happysack · 03/02/2025 08:11

Go to the police.

Also, please talk to your daughter clearly about all the tropes regarding DA and why they are nonsense.

‘Why did she stay with him?’
’why didn’t she say something at the time?’
’he’s a nice, polite boy’ etc etc

She needs to understand very clearly that nothing she has done or not done is mitigation for his actions.

There is plenty of information out there, or any of the many charities should be able to signpost you to some resources.

Sending you both strength and solidarity for navigating the next weeks.

ApolloandDaphne · 03/02/2025 08:18

I agree that you contact the police. Do not under any circumstances contact his parents. Chances are they would side with him and tell him what you have said giving him time to make up a counter allegation.

BeLilacSloth · 03/02/2025 08:19

I’m sorry but it’s madness that you haven’t called the police yet, you’ve had some amazing advice on here and you haven’t taken any of it. Now your daughter is in danger. CALL THE POLICE.

LovelySunnyDayToday · 03/02/2025 08:35

Report to the police. This is unhinged behaviour.

bombastix · 03/02/2025 09:20

Start acting responsibly OP and notify the police.

You want this guy back around your house?

Or do you have a hard time with decent boundaries?

Your choice. You don't need help, you need to help yourself.

MsMarch · 03/02/2025 09:25

That sounds awful, your poor daughter.

while I agree that going to the police is theoretically the best option, you need to consider what is best for your dd. It's very unlkely based on what you have so far that the police can bring charges. Talking to them has benefits nonetheless - they have him (and her) on their radar which protects her, and potentially other women too. Being taken seriously by the police could also be very validating for her and it may well be that she can access victim support through them.

However, if your DD feels it's too much ,I'd be prioritising her. Ideally seek some therapy or counselling for her to process. Sadly, lots of women in situations like this DON'T get out, or don't get out quickly so she's already doing so well to have realised she's not happy int his relationship and to try to move on.

SlightlyJaded · 03/02/2025 09:51

Sexual abuse
Coercive control
25 missed calls in a day
Stalking behaviours
Abusive messages to parents
Alleged incident from school

What are you actually waiting for him to do before you feel it's worth taking action?

Serious question? Where is your boundary?

Jessieshome · 03/02/2025 10:04

Go to the Police!

How many times do you have to be told!

The constant phone calls were police worthy enough, now this?!

Go to the Police!

It doesn't matter how vague memories of incidents are, have you seen any news stories in the last few years since #metoo?! It doesn't matter how long ago. Report it all immediately.

Go to the police!

JHound · 03/02/2025 10:05

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 06:33

No male relative, single parent household.

It's really nasty, he was being really horrible tp her last night, he phoned her 25 times over the space of about 10 mins. She text him to stop and said she wasn't going to pick up, that's when he started messaging me.

She didn't dump him via text, but said to him they needed to talk about their relationship at the weekend. And then he went unhinged.

The calls were on top of the texts telling her to ' be a man and just fucking do it'

I'm so angry at him and horrified that he could speak to her like this. Then for him to start on me!

She said she couldn't meet him in person now as he doesn't feel safe.

I read all the time about male aggression towards women, but I am shocked by this.

Report this to the police. Immediately

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 03/02/2025 10:35

Please don't come at me.
It's not my choice to take it to the police or not, it is my daughters.

I have persuaded her to talk to the rape crisis helpline, when she feels like she wants to. Millions of women don't report because that in itself is traumatic. It's not like we are going down there and reporting a stolen bike.

She's in the middle of mock a level exams. She says he's not taking this from her. It makes no difference if she takes her time to take any action she wants. The important thing is what she wants.

I have contacted his parents with her consent. She has told all of his friends, who now want nothing to do with him. She's told her work who gave her security and I've told the school. She feels better that it's out and not hidden.

She's remembered that it happened in her bed. At home. I don't have the words for the feelings right now, but what I do know is that the most important thing is dd and doing what she wants when she is ready.

OP posts:
Newbie1011 · 03/02/2025 10:42

Kindly, it’s up to you, and not your daughter, whether you report the harassment you experienced online from him, and I’d respectfully suggest it would set a good example to your daughter if you did so, even if she is not yet ready to go to the police.
I think you not reporting this to the police potentially puts you both in much more danger from him and will embolden him.

ssd · 03/02/2025 10:43

You are supporting her very well, but please try to talk her into reporting this to the police. He might come back from being abroad and get very angry all this is now out in the open. My gut feeling is your dd needs protection.

bombastix · 03/02/2025 10:44

I am quite concerned that the harassment point will not wait, actually.

And indeed, by socialising this amongst friends this ex is likely to engage more, not less.

Newbie1011 · 03/02/2025 10:45

I also agree with @sdd that you’re in quite tricky territory telling his family and friends and everyone else that he has done this stuff, but not reporting any of it to the police. I think you need to bear in mind how he might react. In that context, much better that police are informed and involved early. You could easily have a chat with them without your daughter in the first instance.

bombastix · 03/02/2025 10:46

Also you should not have contacted the parents. That was not a good idea given the gravity of what your daughter has said.

bombastix · 03/02/2025 10:47

She told all of his friends???

Okay. Very poor idea.

HeavyRainSoon · 03/02/2025 10:58

Not reported to police but told his parents and all of his friends. Sorry but something isn’t adding up here.

FlappingMadly · 03/02/2025 10:58

You've told his parents who will now tackle him about it. And his friends? What were you thinking? You don't know his familial situation either. You know he escalates quickly. After your daughter does her mocks today, take her to the police. You need to show her what boundaries are and have her really understand what a respectful relationship looks like and you need to keep her safe. I don't understand your double standards- you contact his parents as if he's a naughty child but don't treat your daughter as a child. Take her to the police so that when he gets back if anything happens he's already on record. Stop procrastinating.

DdraigGoch · 03/02/2025 11:00

123dontcomeatme · 03/02/2025 04:12

I need help.
Over the last few days my daughter has disclosure many incidents that would be considered cohesive control.

Last night she disclosure sexual abuse.she said she had blocked it out and all of a sudden it came back. She had been staying at his and woke up to find him on top of her. She's a very deep sleeper. She said she was going nuts telling him to stop and he just stayed there. He's a big guy so she was pinned down. Eventually he got off her, said that she's his girlfriend, he can do what he wants. He rolled over abd went to sleep while she laid there crying the rest of the night. The next morning he just kept saying she had been awake.

She can't remember when it happened.

Can we report such a vauge memory? Do I contact his parents?

Apparently he was acussed of inappropriately touching a girl , when he was in year 9 at school but his family dismissed it.

I'm heartbroken and angry. My daughter keeps crying .

Yes, she should tell this to the police. Even if it doesn't secure a conviction for sexual assault in its own right it may help strengthen another charge.

EarthyMamma · 03/02/2025 11:08

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread.
I just wanted to say that we can report incidents to our police force via Facebook Messenger.
It seemed to be monitored well and I have had quick responses.

OP I'm sorry you are going* through this, it's very sad and scary. In a similar situation in my family the police took* it very seriously and intervened quickly.