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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be astounded at this behaviour from an 18 year old.

605 replies

123dontcomeatme · 30/01/2025 06:12

I'm awake and just trying to get my head around this. I'm middle aged and just reeling from the behaviour of this 18 year old boy.

My daughters first boyfriend, been together just over a year. Seemed nice enough but a few worrying traits which she would talk about with me over the year. Enough to be worries but not enough to end what was a fun relationship.

After a rough 2 months with him, she's had enough and ended things with him.

Hes not taken it well, it's a bit scary.

Hes found me on Instagram and sent me 2 messages telling me it's my fault and that I'm pathetic and a host of other insults.

My daughter is aghast and I'm just struggling to get my head around such unhinged behaviour. I cannot ever imagine anyone doing such a thing. How on earth can he think that's an acceptable thing to do.

I feel so sad for my daughter too and want to support her in the best way possible, but she's furious and dumbstruck and upset all at the same time.

I just can't get my head around the arrogance, entitlement and total disrespectful of an 18, nearly 19 year old boy thinking that's ok.

OP posts:
Jumpers4goalposts · 03/02/2025 11:10

You can take it to the police with the information you have, it will then be up to your daughter whether she wants to take it further. However it will be on the police’s file and on their radar.

Arran2024 · 03/02/2025 11:13

Hm, I don't know if you read my previous post where I explained that the police told us NOT to contact our daughter's ex when similar happened to us.

You are in danger of inflaming the situation and putting yourselves in more danger as he will be furious and/or embarrassed that his parents know.

It might work out for you but it might not.

Men who behave like he has / is are already dangerous loose cannons. They don't act rationally. Their parents are often scared of them too.

My daughter's ex was prosecuted in the end. I have masses of experience and knowledge here and yet you ask for advice and don't take it. Unbelievable.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 03/02/2025 11:26

Yeah, telling everyone when you haven’t reported it to the police was not a wise idea, you’ve basically given him the heads up and a chance to come up with his own version of events for when you do.

I’d have reported at the 25 phone-calls stage personally.

I would strongly urge your daughter to report this now, you’ve put yourselves in a really bad position here.

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 03/02/2025 11:35

Hes the one to put her in this position.

The rape crisis helpline says a lot about going to the police or not and she's talking to them now. They can support if she wants to do that. There is a lot on their site about not feeling pressure to do anything.

She wanted to let his parents know, I think so they might be able to calm things down their end. Silly or not, please don't berate.

This is incredibly difficult emotionally to navigate. It's been a lot happening. The police feels huge and scary and she only remembered this part yesterday. She said she had blocked it out. That is a normal reaction.

Him sending me 2 messages and then me blocking him is not report worthy.

OP posts:
FlappingMadly · 03/02/2025 11:38

Still procrastinating.

Luddite26 · 03/02/2025 11:41

I think you should ask for this thread to be pulled.

NurtureGrow · 03/02/2025 11:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Noggin1066 · 03/02/2025 11:48

Here's a suggestion. Invite him to a public place/ coffee shop. Be accompanied by a member of your family or friends of large statute , educator if possible plus Englis dictionary marked legal terms on how to avoid discrimination.

angela1952 · 03/02/2025 11:55

It's a truly horrible situation for you both to be in, but it is as you say it is entirely up to her whether it is reported to the police or not. It would be a different story if she was under 16 which she clearly isn't if she's taking A-levels. I'm not sure how old she is as I've not read everything. My sympathies to you both.

MsMarch · 03/02/2025 11:56

OP, you're handling this well I think. People hounding you to go straight to the police etc are not takign the bigger picture into account. If she does go to the police, great, but you're right to be guided by her at this point.

Itsme3167 · 03/02/2025 11:56

If you’re not going to listen to the advice given by 99% of the people who have replied then you need to shut this post down. People are berating you because they care and know what this problem can lead to. You’re her mam. You take the lead!!!!

Ruffpuff · 03/02/2025 12:01

@123dontcomeatme

Please report this to the police as harassment and provide the full circumstances (i.e. it being centred around your daughter breaking up with him).

I work for the police and this is how it starts. Luckily your daughter has moved on, but given his age, I expect there will be a lot more of this ‘unhinged’ behaviour towards others in future. This needs to be on record. It might assist with protecting future girls.

bombastix · 03/02/2025 12:25

I'm sorry this is very foolish,

If you have any trouble later then all these actions will suggest that it is teenage tiff which your daughter has contributed to.

By speaking to the parents, you too have downplayed it.

Should you later need to engage the police you will find it difficult to say why it was not serious enough to notify them of it, and the actual picture looks much more like teenagers falling out.

You may find them somewhat skeptical of you.

Btw your daughter should not have spoken to his friends. The chances are this man will be enraged.

BeLilacSloth · 03/02/2025 13:18

Telling his friends, parents etc.. is quite possibly the worst thing you both could have done, now he’s going to be really angry. This situation has not been dealt woth correctly. I just hope your daughter is safe.

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 03/02/2025 13:21

HeavyRainSoon · 03/02/2025 10:58

Not reported to police but told his parents and all of his friends. Sorry but something isn’t adding up here.

Edited

Telling his friends was a bad idea
Some people love a drama and on sm the DD ordeal will grow arms and legs.
Definitely would have been better keeping to official channels only.

Errors · 03/02/2025 13:21

123dontcomeatme · 03/02/2025 11:35

Hes the one to put her in this position.

The rape crisis helpline says a lot about going to the police or not and she's talking to them now. They can support if she wants to do that. There is a lot on their site about not feeling pressure to do anything.

She wanted to let his parents know, I think so they might be able to calm things down their end. Silly or not, please don't berate.

This is incredibly difficult emotionally to navigate. It's been a lot happening. The police feels huge and scary and she only remembered this part yesterday. She said she had blocked it out. That is a normal reaction.

Him sending me 2 messages and then me blocking him is not report worthy.

Oh OP, my heart really does go out to you and your daughter. Not only are you both having to navigate through such a difficult situation but you’re now being attacked by people on here regarding how you’re choosing to handle it. It’s really not fair.

FWIW, I believe that both you and your daughter and taking this at a pace that is comfortable to you. You both must be feeling such intense emotion right now and I think it will take a while to process it all before you decide on involving police if you decide to do that at all. You sound like a great mum, she is lucky to have you. I just wanted to balance out the nasty replies you have received

Original poster
123dontcomeatme · 03/02/2025 13:23

Thank you.
For what it's worth we have spoken to the police who are visiting this afternoon.

OP posts:
Errors · 03/02/2025 13:23

Luddite26 · 03/02/2025 11:41

I think you should ask for this thread to be pulled.

Why?!! Why on earth should she ask for this thread to be pulled just because you don’t agree with the way she has decided to navigate the situation. This is NOT as black and white as everyone seems to want to make out. The OP is right to be guided by her daughter at this point in time. Let them take some time to process all this for crying out loud and maybe be a bit more understanding.

Jessieshome · 03/02/2025 13:31

I'm so sorry if my second post today, assuming it was one of many you read, came across as aggressive or attacking you. I'm so so sorry you are going through this horrible horrible thing.

I hope you and your daughter are ok, or will be ok.

I think a lot of people are possibly coming across as aggressive or attacking you because it sounds terrifying, and is how so many awful tragic stories begin and they are desperate for you to get the right help and the best help from people who can protect you.

I really hope everything works out for you both. Lots of love to you. Take care.

Luddite26 · 03/02/2025 13:33

I agree with OP but DD may need to go to the police the narrative has stepped up and there is personal details on a forum being chatted about which I'm not sure Op should have shared.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 03/02/2025 13:34

BeLilacSloth · 03/02/2025 13:18

Telling his friends, parents etc.. is quite possibly the worst thing you both could have done, now he’s going to be really angry. This situation has not been dealt woth correctly. I just hope your daughter is safe.

There is absolutely no reason that they should keep his secrets for him. I wish that more people would speak out as soon as they experience assault.

BeLilacSloth · 03/02/2025 13:42

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 03/02/2025 13:34

There is absolutely no reason that they should keep his secrets for him. I wish that more people would speak out as soon as they experience assault.

Show quote history

That’s exactly what it is, assault. Should be dealt with by police. Telling his mum, dad, friends will stir things and i’m sorry to say it but she will probably be accused of lying and will make the situation so much worse. Not everything needs to be public.

FlappingMadly · 03/02/2025 14:06

Well done OP. Hope it all goes well.

Littlek0406 · 03/02/2025 14:38

Well done OP 💐@123dontcomeatme
List exactly what he has done.
And for your DD to make sure that she feels secured coming home from work or college, maybe get a rape alarm/pepper spray.
Big hugs and strength for you and your daughter! 😘Xx

Arran2024 · 03/02/2025 16:15

Just to add, one of the reasons police say to stay clear is that if it comes to a stalking charge later on, you need to prove that you were really concerned for your safety, and if the family is in touch his solicitor will say you weren't scared at all, in fact you were on such good terms you had a nice chat, in fact you were trying to get him back, in fact you sympathised with him, said it was all a pack of lies etc etc etc. If you don't have a recording of the conversation, they can say what they like and you cant prove a thing. They can say you threatened them even. So no contact is crucial.

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