To ignore the letter and go anyway? Toddler day case procedure

[lolo9]

My toddler is due to have a small procedure done tomorrow. Only a day case but first time under GA and I'm terrified.

The letter says 2 adults only. No siblings due to lack of space. I have a 1 month old baby who's currently breastfed. Don't have any childcare anyway but if I did I couldn't leave him as he won't take a bottle..

The plan was just to send DH with toddler, but the closer it's getting to it the more anxious I am. DH is brilliant but I can't shake the feeling my toddler needs their mum after something like that. I'd go on my own with newborn but I think it'd be too much to handle, having to hold toddler whilst put under with a newborn in tow.

Would it be completely ignorant of me to show up with my newborn and DH? Baby in a carrier maybe? No pram to save space? Would they just send me away do you think? I probably should just listen to the letter and send toddler with DH. I'm just worried and being at home will drive me up the wall not knowing how it's going 😭

God forbid a father actually parents their child without the mother hovering around.

They’ve specified in the letter that the reason is lack of space

Lack of space could be one reason out of several more that they haven’t disclosed - perhaps the reason they mention lack of space is that it would cause the least offence or rule-breakers. It’s naive to think the noise, presence and care needs of siblings wouldn’t cross their minds.

Totally get where you're coming from but as someone who has recently seen healthy friends mown down by really nasty illnesses picked up from brief visits to relatives in hospital, I don't think you should expose yourself or your baby to this - just not worth it.

You should just send your DH. If you are anxious your toddler will pick up on this and be more frightened. For their sake you should stay at home with your worry.

I’ve taken my children for day case procedures under GA on my own about 5 times. Was never told I needed a second adult in the car. Just that we had to stay a certain distance from the hospital for the first night.

^ this is your answer. Do not take the baby into the ward, it is not fair on either the staff or other patients on the ward, switch between you and your dh as necessary.

Or trust your dh to handle it.

I think you should all go but feed baby when you get there then husband can look after baby while you go in with toddler? Then swap as needed? I don't think they mean no siblings on site in the hospital, just not at the appointment, so DH could wait with baby in the cafe?

If I wasn't worried about covid, flu, rsv, noro etc, I would go along with DH and newborn in a sling. Prepared to swap in and out with DH as necessary if we weren't all allowed in. If the issue is space then I don't think a sling held newborn is a big issue compared to toddler in a pram wanting to wander around and play.

But I am conscious of all the bugs going around and may want to keep newborn away from that as much as possible.

Your child will be fine with DH.

How is the statement not true.

The child will be with their father, one of his equal parents.

Women moan that they’re left “holding the baby” and doing everything yet comments like this prove why.

Men are made to feel less than and not needed when it comes to raising children.

If you feel it's for the best for you and your family I'd take the baby in the carrier, I think that would be fine and you could always swap in and out as others have said uf there were to be a problem. I think as a mum I would also want my child to know I was there for them too and the new baby didn't affect that. BUT agree with others about possible infection risk for baby. I'd ring up and ask.

DH is brilliant but I can't shake the feeling my toddler needs their mum after something like that.

I'd reflect honestly on what you said above. Is this a reasonable concern e.g. you're a SAHM, 'brilliant' dad is still rather emotionally unavailable and toddler has always gone to you for comfort? Or is this partly you feeling guilty because society tells us children need mothers?

Perhaps reframe this as an opportunity for toddler to learn something useful about gender roles (especially if DS), a bonding opportunity for them and dad, and a chance for you to demonstrate trust in DH's parenting. Then weigh it all up again with this thought in the mix too.

No. Stay home. I understand you being anxious, but that could rub off on your toddler. Your newborn is vulnerable to nasty bugs at such a young age- why would you expose them needlessly to potential norovirus etc. They’ve advised no siblings - so stay home. Let Dad take him but make sure you get regular updates .

Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable - they have different biological and nurturing functions. That doesn't mean they aren't equal. It is really unfortunate for children when parents are viewed as sexless interchangeable carers.

Same. Have been with my DC when he’s had ops under GA multiple times and my DH has stayed home with our other DC.

Your DC with be fine with your DH.

Send toddler with DH. Newborn will be in the way, and you've been told not to bring other children - that's not just about space, but about infection.

Not interchangeable, but equally loved. DH may actually be a better companion when it's a surgical procedure.

Seriously - whether you are allowed to or not, don't take a newborn to hospital at the moment (my dc is in hospital and there are so many people in there with flu/covid/norovirus you really don't want to expose a baby to that!!)

The rule is no siblings and that's that. You can go with DH to be on standby in case your DS only wants his mummy, in which case your DH should step outside and be with the baby.

There are probably other people in your situation what makes you special that you should ignore the rules? All of you go but get your partner to take your baby to a cafe in the hospital whilst you wait with the other also you do not want to expose your baby to tonnes of germs on that ward.

Both go and if they are very strict on the policy then take it in turns to take baby out. I think though that a month old baby is different to a 7 year old running around.

It's a bit of a non problem.

My DD is a paediatric nurse and her hospital is very tight over the no siblings rule- it is an infection risk for patient- and possibly your baby OP, hospitals are germy places. Perhaps different hospitals have different protocols.

Have your OH sit in a cafe with baby, swap when baby needs fed.
Easy peasy.

That is absolutely impossible to know unless you are the OP. It is, however, less likely.

What you state as fact is highly contested, and based on evolutionary theory applied in questionable ways rather than empirical research. There is indeed evidence pointing to the opposite (see below) though I'll admit it is difficult to measure all possible outcomes, and research is very limited in this area.

https://medicine.yale.edu/news/yale-medicine-magazine/article/children-thrive-when-fathers-stay-at-home/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4091994/

A number of studies, not surprisingly, do identify differences in parenting styles between men and women. However, it would take many years of shifting socially accepted gender roles before we could begin to unpick what is due to biology and what is due to learned social norms. Given that many other mammals show male / female differences in care of offspring, I would agree it's not unreasonable to assume some hard wired sex differences. However, humans are much more complex and self reflective and able to learn and adapt. It seems risky (for the well-being of all of us) to overstate differences and see these as inevitable, unchangeable, and due to fixed biologically determined 'functions'.

To me it seems implausible that a 'brilliant' and involved father wouldn't be able to comfort their toddler in this situation. Interestingly, it would have seemed much more plausible 50 yrs ago. Who knows what we will think fathers capable of in another 50 yrs.

Have your OH sit in a cafe with baby, swap when baby needs fed.

Wouldn't mother being there, then leaving, be more upsetting for toddler than dad being there all the time?

And how would it work? Dad brings baby to ward to handover and mother disappears with baby? Again, upsetting for toddler. Or toddler is left alone while mother goes to where baby is and sends dad to ward?