DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

There is a big difference between part time and the one hour needed to safely have time to do the pick ups. Is there not a middle ground?

Do it, you only live once..spend time with your children, money isn't everything. It sounds like you will have plenty to live off

This.

Losing autonomy because the school runs are a hassle is ridiculous and shortsighted.

@BettyBardMacDonald that's a very simplistic view of it. Yes, it's partly due to the 'hassle' of the school run but also going part time gives you that after school time with your children to do homework, activities etc.

We discussed the risks of divorce, my husband dying or becoming ill etc but I decided to take that risk and go down to school hours. I am in a career where I have still be promoted since being part time and can up my hours when needed so they do exist.

Isn’t it about spending more time with your children as well as sorting the ‘hassle’ of them? In a divorce the husband would likely be paying maintenance and the wife entitled to his assets so it’s not like there is no protection. Plus it wouldn’t be forever. If I ever needed to go back to full time I’m confident my organisation would offer me the hours or I would move to a different company.

@Pinkflowerpower

Previously I was a HOD in a secondary school earning around 48k - this was quite a few years ago so seemed a lot at the time.

Could you go back into teaching part time? It’s not brilliant term time but if you did 0.6 you might be lucky & get 2 days a week off & you would then get all the school hols.

why can’t you just finish slightly earlier 3 days a week to collect children? He collects the other 2…
My advice as a mother who gave up my career to be a mum and now am single with no career and no pension would be that whatever you decide… continue to pay the same amount into your pension!… so if you go part-time get an agreement in place that DH will top up your pension contributions to what you pay while working full time!

We were the same as you when our kids were small, even with after school club getting there in time was nail biting.

So I got a babysitter/nanny that I found on gumtree and it was a lifesaver! She is still with us even though both mine are at high school now and I work from home (can’t bear to lose her). She does pick up, orthodontists, ballet and tennis runs. When they were small she made sure they were fed and homework done, so when I got home around 6.30 all I had to do was spend time with them.

Now they are older she tidies the kitchen and does my ironing! Every year we all debate if we still need her, but whilst they still need taken to various clubs it is easier just to hang onto her.

Yes do it.
these people saying ‘what if he left you’ etc. well I very much doubt if he died or if he left that her 35k salary would cover what her 35k salary plus his 75k salary would cover.
its about teamwork. Not running yourselves into the ground incase you break up. Deal with breaking up if and when you break up.

I have one early primary aged child and one preschooler. I’ve not worked ft since have first one. I can never understand people who have children then put them in daycare for the majority of their awake hours. I work 2 long days a week, 8-6. I drop off with childminder at 7.30am, she does school drop off and pick up on them days then hubby collects them at 5.30, gets dinner ready and I get home about 6.15. This works really well in our house in that I still earn about £18kp/a, making pension and NI contributions and do enough hours to qualify for funded childcare. You’re missing out on so much of your children’s childhood, I think they and you would really enjoy it if you can afford to do less hours.

I’d say go part time , your kids are the most important thing. You can go / find full time work in a couple of years.

If he tops up your pension from the savings you make in childcare costs, and you can perhaps study as well as going PT, I personally would do it.
I would definitely look to keeping up some kind of study to make myself more employable upon return.

Given you say your talents are in demand, there should be a job to go back to.

Yes! I went part time with my first one and I defined won't be going back to full time until we need to.
You've got beautiful life, husband and kids. And you have yourself. If you cannot enjoy yourself, relationship and kids, what do you have then for? To enjoy them when they are all grown up?
Part time is half and half and def gives you time to sort out everything and spending time with your kids.
Two days I don't work kids still go to school/nursery, but I do the house work, sort out laundry, shopping, cooking and recharge for the weekend. Then weekend I give it all for my family.
At the beginning the weekend came and we were both exhausted with no energy to do nothing. And parenting is definitely a lot more difficult when you're tired.

Just adding, if my husband could go part time he would as well!

Mothers.

It is only mothers who are expected to give up their careers or heavily cut back on their career progression and earning potential in order to go part time.

My children go to nursery full time because going part time would be career suicide and as a mother, I'm still allowed to enjoy having a career too and the flexibility that comes with it which is only possible because I work full time.

I don't feel like I'm missing out on their childhood at all, we still get plenty of quality time together.

I’m the same age as you and went part time. 3 kids with the eldest in secondary. I’m able to drop the kids to breakfast club and as my hours were shortened during the day it meant I was home before them so could start dinner and then collect them from school/clubs. It’s meant we can spend more time as a family in the evenings and my husband wasn’t being affected in his job having to do pick ups/random days where I had training etc. it’s worked well for us, you have to find what works well for you.

“It just takes organising”

How patronising!! Sounds like OP IS organised, but it’s stressful and not quite working for them atm.

I would try and drop some hours if you can. As someone else said, perhaps your DH can top up your pension himself.

If you can afford to have two kids in nursery full time and work part time then do it. Life is short, and you could even drop some time at nursery, spend more time with your kids. I really struggled before 3 to put my kid in full time. The other option is you look for a similar job in a similar sector? Either way make sure you keep your self on the path you want, in 11 years your kids will be teenagers and life will look very different so don't give up everything for them. It's hard balance but maybe just starting with 4 days a week? Plus your husband starting earlier might help with the pickup

It is a treadmill but unfortunately that's life with young kids and it gets better with time!

Not at all, I went part time when my first child was born 10 years ago (I was 34), I did 2 days a week and it was a great balance.

They are both a school now and I have a new job where I work from home 4 days a week.

A lot of schools have wrap around care breakfast clubs and after school clubs so that’s an option as they are older.

You are lucky to have a choice. I’d go part time in a heartbeat to enjoy these young years, to slow down in my daily life, to have some time to myself. Why worry about your pension when by the look of things stress is likely to kill you before you get to retirement age. Also, at 37, and in a role that pays a half of £70K, it’s a good time to start to reconsider your career. You could be earning the same at part time if you reconsider your skills and a change of post/job/career. Anyway, i am so happy that you’ll finally get some sort of a break. All the best to you and your family! X

Normally I would say don’t quit your job- I did, then ended up divorced, and I had a hard struggle building my career back up again.

But in your case it sounds like you’re not really enjoying your job anyway, and you could keep one foot in the door throigh working part time. Plus as an ex teacher, if the worst happened and you were stuck you could always do supply.

Have you thought about a childminder? I switched to a childminder as she was a lot more flexible and also did the after school pick up.

I also don’t understand why loads of posters are comparing it to quitting your job - you’re not proposing that - an hours reduction is hardly the same thing.

For the sake of your sanity go part time, but ensure your pension is topped up and you draw up clear expectations of who will do what housework wise and how the finances will work etc.

They are only little for so long and you’ll regret it if you spend all that time in a job you don’t even seem to like! I have a much better full time job now that my children are in secondary - it is definitely possible to go back to your career. I know it’s not a popular opinion these days, but your children will be happier as well (if you are happier). No kid ever really wants to be in breakfast and after school club at primary every single day and it isn’t what I would have wanted for my children unless it was absolutely necessary. Each to their own though.

That’s fine if you are happy with that. I would have been bloody miserable and really stressed. To me life doesn’t revolve around my career (your company really don’t care if you live or die, your children do) and I loved the extra time with the children, as did they. My sister loves her career and made different choices which made her and her children happy. It can also depend on whether you have local family who can help out - I had none nearby. We are all different and all of the children involved are happy and well adjusted.

I also know Dads who have stepped back in their careers to be the one around more for the children as their wives were the higher earners. Things are changing (albeit slowly). Women or men should not be made to feel guilty for wanting to spend those formative years with their children.

I would do it without hesitation, I work part time (2 children in primary and 1 in secondary). I work 3 days a week, it means that I can do a food shop, meal prep etc attend school things like nativity plays, parent readers and help with homework.
DH salary far outweighed mine, and having us both dash around like idiots when the 2 eldest ones started primary school was a nightmare.
People asked me what I would do if DH passed away or left me, I would reply that he has very good life insurance and that if he left me I would cross that bridge when it came to it.
Life is so much nicer now for everyone, DH still pulls his weight so I’m not a drudge, which many people said I would end up as if I reduced hours. But I have the time and energy to be present, rather than living in an exhausted bubble.
Im glad I did it when mine were small, now our eldest is in secondary he doesn’t really ‘need’ me at all.
i know a few women who have chosen different career paths in their 40’s once their little ones have grown a little, because let’s face it with current retirement ages, you’ve still got plenty of years to work if you step down hours for a few years.
Edited to add I also know a few Dads that have dropped to part time hours and their OH have continued to work full time, because it made financial sense for them to do it that way.