DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

I'm very happy with that. My life doesn't revolve around my career but it doesn't revolve around my children either, both are important and both are balanced but like I said, I'm able to be flexible but only because I'm full time. No local family either.

Dads stepping back are still in the vast minority. It is still women who are expected to give up everything they've worked for on the whole.

In my experience, it is working mothers who are made to feel guilty for wanting to work full time. Just look at the comment I responded to about why bother having children if they go to nursey full time.

My DT’s loved breakfast and after school club - loads of activities and extra time with their friends. Lots of complaints if we collected them early.

I grew up with a SAHM and always wanted to go to after school club.

We had to collect the kids early from after school club earlier his week and my older one had an absolute meltdown. Lay down and refused to leave.

Somehow I don't buy the idea that my kids hate it!

You can’t live your whole life planning for the worst case scenario, go part time if that’s what you want, it’s a cliche, I know, but the years fly by and you may regret not spending time with your children a lot more than you will enjoy a bit extra pension.
iI worked 5 short days when my 3 children were in school, yes I did the biggest share of housework / childcare, ferried them around, had their friends over for tea and was always rushing around with very little time for myself but I wouldn’t change a thing, I’m 60 now and never did go back full time, 😀 I now work 4 full days so I’ve got a day to help out my elderly mother and I still get a weekend.

Do not give up your job just to make his easier !

Could he reduce hours? Save 40% on tax in anything over £50 🤷‍♀️

Would it be worth your while working P/T with the nursery fees? Would just taking a year or two off be an option? I raced back to work after DC1 and was adamant I would continue working FT, but after DC2 I am exhausted and taking a complete break from work.

I also didn’t love my job and won’t miss it, and of course I can look for a new job any time if it doesn’t work out.

I went part time after child 1 was born, I'm still part time and my third child is almost 17. It gives the breathing space to be a family at the weekend and believe it or not teens often need you more that little ones do.
If you can afford it and you're happy about the change not impacting your career, do it, you won't regret it.

Honestly their is no perfect answer.
You can only do what works for you both as a couple and family.
It may also be dependent to an extent on the wrap around care available to too.

There has been a vast reduction in spaces since 2020.
Between providers folding and staff going to work better hours in nurseries. Few people really want to work 3 hrs a day 5 days a week.

Why not? I've been part time since my son was born, I'm your age

If you can afford it, go part time. Life is fast and precious. Childhood goes by in a flash, be as involved as you can be.

@SouthLondonMum22 I don't feel like I'm missing out on their childhood at all, we still get plenty of quality time together

I worked full time when my firstborn was small and I was more like the OP, rushed through life and didn't feel there was quality time at all. I was also miserable ring away from my baby so we changed things.

OP: 2 children in full time nursery must be a hefty sum of money , and 8 am to 6 pm in nursery 5 days a week is relentless, especially for the youngest. There's a thread about a nursery nurse witnessing abusive / u mind behaviour by a colleague and many who have worked in nurseries posting that this is not uncommon. Its worth reading

So going part time and having more time at home with children while they're very young - and saving a lot of childcare costs - seems a great solution. As long as your pension is topped up and DH pulls his weight at home

Children really are little for a very short time - trite, but true

Wise words

I have 3 in nursery full time and still feel we have plenty of quality time. I don't feel rushed through life either.

It is true that everyone is going to feel differently. I also have no concerns about their nursery, it's excellent.

@Pinkflowerpower is there no room for negotiation with your employer re finishing earlier on a Friday, working later on a Tuesday to cover? Wonder if both you and dh need to work a bit smarter so that one night each you both work later and then one night you both finish earlier together.

You are about at the most exhausting bit of parenting - shame to make a financially big decision right now.

Yes, I wonder if the root of the issue is that you don't have an understanding employer/not quite the right role and that's what needs sorting.

My experience of children is that they need your time and attention through out, the physical demands lessen, the sleep improves but the need to spend time with you doesn't diminish.

Go part time whilst your kids are little if you're able to.

It sounds like a lucky no brainer to me.

Is your pension more important than these shares precious years?

Are women not allowed to be concerned for their future and want some security in their latter years?

Yes women are allowed to be concerned about their future.
But being married she is able to claim on the family pot.
Also as a part-time professional she's probably earning the same as a full-time low wage worker.

Not everyone can earn the big bucks. We need people to do the low wage jobs. And the tax and pension systems don't really take any account of the hours worked just the money earned, and number of NI credits.

I'm not sure pp believes so with her attempting to guilt women who want to work to have their own decent pension.

Just curious, but why are nurseries still the default option for most? Childminders seem to get overlooked, but in our experience have been the very best option. Children get a chance for a more relaxing, nurturing environment after school and they're cheaper than nurseries. It's never felt 'relentless' for our children, they adore our cm and even though our 14yo no longer goes, he still makes a point of popping in and saying hello to her sometimes. And because we have a good relationship with her built up over time, the flexibility she offers is second to none.

We didn't find any childminders we really liked but did really like a few of the nurseries

And a big thing that was off-putting for us with childminders is that they all seemed to have their own school age children and therefore take their holidays in school holidays - it was highly unappealing to be tied to school holidays before we needed to be

I think the other thing about childminders was that I saw a few in operation while I was on mat leave at toddler groups and I really wasn't very impressed by most of them. There seemed to be a lot of sitting on their phones and ignoring their mindees. I saw one very serious incident with a toddler falling off a climbing frame and the childminder was nowhere to be found.

Of course I am sure that there are some good ones as well but our area didn't seem to be well supplied with them

And I am sure there are some bad nurseries too - and I looked around a couple that I didn't think were great.

For us an excellent nursery was the best option. Opened for hours which suited us and didn’t close for holidays. We built up a good relationship with the staff and two became our babysitters from when DT’s started there at six months old. We liked the environment, the open space, qualifications and experience of the staff, low staff turnover and good range of activities.