DH wants me to go part time at work …

[Pinkflowerpower]

DH and I both work full time. He earns (£70k) which is double my wage. We have 2 children under 3 who are in nursery full time.

My role means that I often don’t get back for nursery pick ups at 6 and DH has to cover these which is effecting his role as he has to leave work early. His role is the main source of income.

We have been in our situation a year and it is stressful as we are both rushing around.

Whilst my role isn’t hugely well paid I get a decent pension scheme. I do however find it stressful at times and this spills over into our personal life .

A week day is - wake up , get the children to nursery - run to work , rush to collect children , cook dinner , get the children to bed , then do the washing and cleaning etc. It feels like we are on a treadmill and I do worry the children are always being rushed about !

I am aware our set up will get harder when the children go to school and we don’t have access to nursery from 8-6pm.

Last night DH said he would like me to consider going part time or working around school hours even if meant I earnt a lot less as his job is suffering , we are both exhausted and he feels like we never see each other or the children during the week.

Deep down I think DH is right .I wouldn’t be sad to work part time but I am 37 and wonder if this is an awfulIdea ? I am worried that I won’t be able to pay much into a pension at all and that if I do this until the children start secondary I will never get a carer started!

The other part of me would love to be less stressed as my role is extremely emotional and I would love to see the children more and have some days at home.

DH is kind , supportive and we split the house work equally. We have shared finances. We don’t have massive amounts of savings but no debts and have a small Mortgage.

AIBU to go part time at 37?

That’s great - but you must be able to see that that’s not applicable to many families (in fact vanishingly few) a UK national sending their children to nursery FT is not going to be an “opportunity” to learn the language. So your assertion that a parent, like me, who believes a parent working PT is optimal is because they’ve had “less opportunities” is totally unfounded. Its not at all unusual in my circles for children to speak multiple languages and it’s not FT childcare that is a driver for that.

Personally I left employment, recognised that there’s huge demand for my skill set and so went self employed and earn around 40% more when you break it down per hour. This enables me to have more annual leave (alleviating childcare issues around holidays), work school hours with the exception of an odd day when I have a client meeting (you still have to be accommodating) and yet still earn slightly more than when I was FT employed.

So your view that my children have missed out, is somewhat misplaced. Instead they enjoy a present parent, are no worse off financially and get to indulge in karate and hobbies that they wouldn’t otherwise as they’ve be in wraparound care.

I’m shocked by the responses on this thread. OP sounds burnt out by the constant merry go round of children and FT working. It’s very likely that is filtering through to her family and her parenting. She’s married, so pretty well protected financially. She has two small children. What is the cost of staying FT? She says she’s stressed? Achieving some work/life balance by reducing her hours sounds sensible to me.

People change employers all the time. Working FT isn’t a once in a lifetime opportunity, if she changes her mind there’s other jobs.

I think the OP has had this reaction partly because of the way she framed her OP.

I really dislike it when men identify a problem and then a solution that involves their wife making a change which was how the OP came across. That to me risked him seeing her going part time as the solution to everything - and resulting in him no longer having to do anything. When the reality is that unless she went so part time that she was almost a SAHM, he would still need to do some pickups and chores

With the additional update that she hates her job, I think she should consider first finding a better job but also consider part time more seriously

I also think it was worth making the point that it isn't, because of our tax and benefits system, so obvious that it would have to be her to go part time

I am very pro part time when children are young - DH and I both did it..

Hi all,

to the people saying why would I want to work full time- this is because i want to build my career and earn more . I am late 30s and feel in need to get going ! This is my second career so I would love to be able to earn more so if anything did happen to DH ( he lost his job , he died or he left) I am able to support myself . I have also witnessed my mother with a tiny pension because she paid very little in and she is extremely lucky my wonderful stepfather is able to over compensate and they share his pension .My mum only ever said two things to me - pay your pension and don’t have a baby until your married . My mum struggled her whole life really until she met my stepdad .

So I guess I am nervous to go part time re pension and also probably stalling carer progression.

However I am exhausted and want to spend time with my children who I do worry about being in childcare all day every day .

My job is in major need of more staff across the UK so I believe I could return full time however I think the issue is I am not enjoying my role ! So possibly I need a new role which can be hard to find if I am limited to part time .

If I was to go part time I would ensure DH tops up my pension.

A huge thanks for all of the replies.

Guilt I think..

🙄
Nope

I don't know what field you work in. I wonder if you could have the best of both world. Could you go PT and do a training course or some study on your off days to enhance your chance of getting the job you want once the kids are school age?

I would definitely go part time, but also pay into an additional pension or top up my existing pension. You may also want to consider before and/or after school clubs/care for when your children are old enough so that you can increase your hours then if you want to - always considering what to do in the school holidays.

If you want to progress your career, why not have your husband drop down to part time (e.g. formalising 5pm finish etc) for a few years?

From a tax perspective your family will lose out less if his salary drops than if yours does because he's a higher rate tax payer.

Did I read somewhere that you work for the NHS? If so, never be afraid to apply for full time role and ask for part time hours. Most of my team are part time. And we are all band 7 with a lot of clinical responsibility. We recently advertised for a FT post but ended up hiring two people - one for 3 and one for 2 days.

Op you sound stressed, it's your second career and your late 30s. So possibly less than 10 years in each role.

I mean this kindly not everyone has the ability to climb the career ladder, not everyone wants to. Sometimes people get to a level they are comfortable, and decide that's the right level for them. And businesses need those people, too lots of experience, know exactly what they are doing.

Your children are tiny, there are other ways to fund retirement than just pensions, down sizing the house is another option. Setting up a Lifetime ISA is another.

Look at all options but remember 'take care of these days, they may not last'

I'm not anti part-time, but I do think there needs to be a more rounded solution than OP goes part-time and her husband's life continues as before.

I'd be looking at doing something like this:

• shuffle the drop offs and pick ups first so her husband starts earlier
• seek a higher-paid part time role
• if not possible, reduce her hours
• keep the kids in nursery, say, 4 short days AND use extra time to get qualified

I generally agree that working part-time could really help their family, but if it's all focused on her husband's career, then that career will always be the one being prioritised.

And if he never develops the habit of saying, "need it pick up the kids, I'll pick this up later" - well, he'll never pick up the habit.

I commented previously and said to go part time to spend time with your kids.

However I do agree working part time does stunt your progress at work.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Yes I agree maybe look for a different iob instead if possible?

So you thi know OP shoikd stay in her current low paid job that is stressful and that stress is seeping into personal life and try to get more flexible hours...okay then

Yes, with respect whilst I’m sure OP’s job is good she isn’t a high flyer.

I hardly think £35k is a low paid.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s obviously potential for it to be higher, but I wouldn’t be inclined to swap £35k for minimum wage, for example.

That's by no means clear given this is her second career, potentially she has loads of potential

If the job has loads of potential that potential will still be there in a few years.
Going part-time doesn't need to be a forever commitment esp when her kids are so close in age. Even if she did it until the youngest was in school. She could re-evaluate her options at that point in time.

That's probably only 3.5 years away, assuming the youngest is 1 and will start school at 4.

It is not a long time.

It depends on the career, doesn't it?

And all of this is equally true for the DH - in fact if he is settled in his career, it might be easier for him to take the step back

Can you both drop a day. Then you reduce childcare costs and stress, and both spend more time with the children.

Great idea.

You have a loving and supportive husband that wants to spend more quality time with you and the children, win win. You are only 37 and you still have many many years to spend in the workplace so if you can make it easier for you now do it. I changed roles completely at that age and have still had two long stretches of challenging career choices to take me to final retirement but those early years when I took it slower for the children were priceless. You could always do some qualifications/retraining whilst you are at home. Remember you’ve the potential of 20+ years ahead of you to make a rewarding career and add to a pension pot before you retire. Good luck.

Absolutely not. Your career matters too and too many women give it up in favour of their husband's career.

Keep progressing, keep your earning potential, pension etc and it's also important for DH to do his part with the children.

If you WANT to go part time do it. If you prefer to be in work outsource stuff (get a cleaner, use food prep services, and consider a nanny instead of nursery).
you could also (both) try for condensed hours so working 5 days in 4 or wfh more.
2 full time working parents is very hard if you don’t have helpful family close by. Where we live in the north it’s quite rare, London seems to necessitate both parents needing to work due to housing costs etc.

So you would stay in a job you didn't like and was affecting you in your personal life and not get a new one?