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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is he not in school

205 replies

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:15

Cousin has an autistic (non verbal) son. He went to childcare 1 day a week whilst she worked and has now stopped. They mainly stay home each day.
Dad is not in the scene at all. They live in a high rise so have no garden. DS will be 5 in March and he has not yet started school so has no friends and no one to play with. She doesn't take him to any groups so he is with her all day every day.
6 months ago she had another baby. DD from the same man as DS1.
DS1 has not yet started school and when I asked her why she claimed that he didn't have a place. Now I'm under the impression that all children receive a school place.
This must be harming the child by keeping him at home all day and not mixing.
Is it not against the law to keep your child at home.
I really do not know what to do. I would like to ask her what is going on but she tends to fly off the handle so quickly. Aibu to think that this is harming her child.

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 28/01/2025 23:19

I wouldnt be judging her but I would be offering childcare

Who is there for her? She's staying home all day with two kids, does she have a family who love her? Is the dad involved?

It seems from your post that you aren't already supporting her

Poor thing, it's hard enough on your own without trying to get a sen placement

I would be offering childcare and support as she must have it tough

Edit, i see that dad isn't involved.

takealettermsjones · 28/01/2025 23:20

Compulsory school age is the term after they turn 5. He might be starting then, or she might be home educating?

lifeturnsonadime · 28/01/2025 23:20

Home education is legal in this country. It is not necessarily harming her child if he is non verbal and she has not found a suitable school place and believes she can provide a better education at home.

She's your cousin you should be offering non judgemental support and help rather than judgement.

Mopsandcustard · 28/01/2025 23:20

Perhaps you could do some research into how difficult, stressful, time consuming and expensive it is to find a place for a child with autism. Maybe offer to help with the baby while she wades through paperwork and fights with the local authority?

CleverButScatty · 28/01/2025 23:21

There are issues with allocations of special school places in some local authorities, I'm guessing that's what's happening. There are a significant number of SEN kids who should be in reception waiting for a place. There have been issues with delays for about 2 years.

Octavia64 · 28/01/2025 23:23

Home education is legal in this country.

If she does want him to go to school there are a lot of difficulties with school places for children with this level of SEN.

Rachie1973 · 28/01/2025 23:23

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:15

Cousin has an autistic (non verbal) son. He went to childcare 1 day a week whilst she worked and has now stopped. They mainly stay home each day.
Dad is not in the scene at all. They live in a high rise so have no garden. DS will be 5 in March and he has not yet started school so has no friends and no one to play with. She doesn't take him to any groups so he is with her all day every day.
6 months ago she had another baby. DD from the same man as DS1.
DS1 has not yet started school and when I asked her why she claimed that he didn't have a place. Now I'm under the impression that all children receive a school place.
This must be harming the child by keeping him at home all day and not mixing.
Is it not against the law to keep your child at home.
I really do not know what to do. I would like to ask her what is going on but she tends to fly off the handle so quickly. Aibu to think that this is harming her child.

My bestie has a non verbal, autistic child with complex needs. If you find this magical school can you please let us know.

Because despite having an EHCP stating his needs, and letters informing us that he needs a 1 to 1 TA with the appropriate qualifications bizarrely there isn’t enough of them. Who’d have known huh?

Stop being judgemental. Start being supportive.

Ohlawdnotagain · 28/01/2025 23:25

What support are you offering her, if you are so concerned?

Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:28

I work FT have children and live 45 mins away so I can give no help.

Im worried for the child's welfare being stuck at home all day everyday with no one else other than his mother & a baby.

Surely school would be beneficial for him.

OP posts:
lifeturnsonadime · 28/01/2025 23:30

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:28

I work FT have children and live 45 mins away so I can give no help.

Im worried for the child's welfare being stuck at home all day everyday with no one else other than his mother & a baby.

Surely school would be beneficial for him.

No the wrong school could damage him. Stop judging.

Rachie1973 · 28/01/2025 23:33

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:28

I work FT have children and live 45 mins away so I can give no help.

Im worried for the child's welfare being stuck at home all day everyday with no one else other than his mother & a baby.

Surely school would be beneficial for him.

What? Any school? Any school without the provision for his needs? A school that he can’t be part of a peer group and will face increasing isolation? A school that is a place of education so the local authority can just give up?

pizzaHeart · 28/01/2025 23:34

its not so simple as you think, OP, when your child has additional needs. He can’t go to any school and he can’t be without support during the school day. So your cousin is probably fighting for a place in a particular school or for the amount of everyday support which should be provided to her son.
Your post is coming across quite judgmental towards your cousin, I don’t know if it’s your attitude towards her or genuine misunderstanding. Life is very very difficult when your child has additional needs especially at this extent. I’m sure your cousin’d love to send her son to school.

DrCoconut · 28/01/2025 23:40

As for "she doesn't take him to any groups". Groups aimed at disabled children are very thin on the ground and many parents of NT children don't want disabled kids at "their" groups, not really. You only have to read some threads on here to see how horrible and judgmental it gets. I'd bet she's tried and felt too unwelcome to go again.

Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:42

I do not know anything about sen children, so this is all new to me. So what will happen if a school cannot be found. Does he just stay at home forever?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:43

DrCoconut · 28/01/2025 23:40

As for "she doesn't take him to any groups". Groups aimed at disabled children are very thin on the ground and many parents of NT children don't want disabled kids at "their" groups, not really. You only have to read some threads on here to see how horrible and judgmental it gets. I'd bet she's tried and felt too unwelcome to go again.

She hasn't tried as she is a germaphobe and doesn't take him anywhere. He's never been to a supermarket, leisure centre, cinema, shopping centre.

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 28/01/2025 23:44

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:43

She hasn't tried as she is a germaphobe and doesn't take him anywhere. He's never been to a supermarket, leisure centre, cinema, shopping centre.

Show quote history

He's never been to a supermarket, jackanory?

Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:48

No

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 28/01/2025 23:50

I think it would be quite hard for a single mum to find suitable, enriching groups or activities for a 4 year old with profound SEN and a 6 month old baby. I accept you are not nearby but can you talk to her and ask if she feels she has the support she wants/needs?

MumChp · 28/01/2025 23:50

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:28

I work FT have children and live 45 mins away so I can give no help.

Im worried for the child's welfare being stuck at home all day everyday with no one else other than his mother & a baby.

Surely school would be beneficial for him.

Have you asked her?

Icedlatteplease · 28/01/2025 23:51

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:42

I do not know anything about sen children, so this is all new to me. So what will happen if a school cannot be found. Does he just stay at home forever?

Yes if a place cannot be found.

Later boarding may be an option to wider out the school search. The LEA might offer a package of education, that can include anything from therapy to tutoring. He might stay hone educating

Realistically you are not going to educate a severely autistic child out of being severely autistic. Personally he singular most important thing he will get from his surroundings is being happy and loved, chances of that happening at home are way higher than any school environment

Strictlymad · 28/01/2025 23:51

lifeturnsonadime · 28/01/2025 23:20

Home education is legal in this country. It is not necessarily harming her child if he is non verbal and she has not found a suitable school place and believes she can provide a better education at home.

She's your cousin you should be offering non judgemental support and help rather than judgement.

This

MumChp · 28/01/2025 23:52

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:43

She hasn't tried as she is a germaphobe and doesn't take him anywhere. He's never been to a supermarket, leisure centre, cinema, shopping centre.

Show quote history

Autistic non verbal?

Don't compare hos needs to the average child.

fourelementary · 28/01/2025 23:52

If he’s in Scotland starting school this August would be the norm for a child turning 5 in March!

Icedlatteplease · 28/01/2025 23:56

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:28

I work FT have children and live 45 mins away so I can give no help.

Im worried for the child's welfare being stuck at home all day everyday with no one else other than his mother & a baby.

Surely school would be beneficial for him.

Worry more for the mother and whether she can get a break.

Most people i know with any form of autism are way happier at home and wouldn't mind over much if the outside disappeared (side eyes DS).... along as their trusted people don't disappear too

Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:56

@MumChp sorry I do not understand.

OP posts: