Why is he not in school

[Jackanorystory1]

Cousin has an autistic (non verbal) son. He went to childcare 1 day a week whilst she worked and has now stopped. They mainly stay home each day.
Dad is not in the scene at all. They live in a high rise so have no garden. DS will be 5 in March and he has not yet started school so has no friends and no one to play with. She doesn't take him to any groups so he is with her all day every day.
6 months ago she had another baby. DD from the same man as DS1.
DS1 has not yet started school and when I asked her why she claimed that he didn't have a place. Now I'm under the impression that all children receive a school place.
This must be harming the child by keeping him at home all day and not mixing.
Is it not against the law to keep your child at home.
I really do not know what to do. I would like to ask her what is going on but she tends to fly off the handle so quickly. Aibu to think that this is harming her child.

There may well be no place at the preferred school, she may be on a waiting list, if she’s not because she finds the process overwhelming you could offer your assistance, just with some admin work.

Very hard to get, reality is he would start in a mainstream if no EHCP naming specialist. Friends DD is 6, non verbal, autistic, still in nappies and the EHCP said mainstream, with 1-1. Reality of that is she is often kept away from main classroom with a few other DC. She needs a specialist school, but fighting for that is hard.

I don't know about English schools but in Scotland I know of several severely autistic children that attended the mainstream primary school and the additional support was provided in that setting. Is that not possible in England? Everyone is saying he needs a specialist school? My son went through primary school with a non verbal autistic child in his class, who had a 1-2-1 supporter with him at all times. He obviously didn't do a lot of the lessons with the rest of the class but would play, draw etc. The children all took turns doing activities with him too which was really good for both him and the kids as it really developed their caring side. At school concerts or plays you would see the kids helping him move around the stage and do the actions etc. my son also had a (very) verbal autistic child in his class in the first few years and again he had a support worker although I don't think it was full time or always 1-2-1. He was more disruptive in the class and so wasn't kept in the classroom whole days and would do other activities outdoors or in other parts of the school at various points to make sure he wasn't so stressed by the classroom and wasn't disrupting class. I know the provision is definitely not the solution to all problems and parents of SEN children in Scotland will presumably disavow me of by understanding but I was just surprised so many were saying the OP's cousin's child has to go to a specialist school?

They wouldn’t remove them from her if there is no neglect, it’s not illegal for her not to send him to school.

Yeah the reality is many autistic DC go into mainstream. So likelihood is she hasn’t applied for a place

@Jackanorystory1 Can you look into ressources in your area to support your cousin? For an autistic non verbal child "school" is not important per se. They need special teaching which focuses on their development, not on "typical" school subjects. Has she applied? Can you help her apply ? It's not beneficial to a severely autistic child to attend an ordinary school even with a 121 TA because his needs are too complex for an ordinary school setting.

You do sound judgmental in your OP. Why would she visit a supermarket with her son? Do you know how stressful that is to autistic people? https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/apr/29/shopping-hell-autistic-people-quiet-store-hours

If I were you I would step up massively; educate myself on autism and offer help and try to find ressources to help your cousin and her child. https://councilfordisabledchildren.org.uk/about-us-0/networks/information-advice-and-support-services-network/find-your-local-ias-service

Is it not against the law to keep your child at home.

He’s not 5 yet so he doesn’t have to attend school.

There are some incredibly judgemental posts here.

The concern is legitimate and some people have given very helpful information which will allow the OP to learn.

However most people are just judging her for judging her cousin.

@Jackanorystory1 no this is not weird. It could be any combination of things which must surely be obvious…struggling with a send child’s needs, postnatal depression (yes it can last that long), this might be exactly what send child needs, no idea what to do or where to turn, burying head in sand, everything might be the only way her family unit can function.

The only way you will understand what your cousin and nephew need is by asking her and not a forum of strangers.

1. why isn’t your son in school?
2. do you have all the help you need?
3. can I help you find support by going online research as it’s not feasible for me to physical my help you?
4. shall we have a 10 min phone chat each morning to check on your mental health and support network?
5. etc.

Is he well nourished, clean and does he appear to be looked after and loved? This is far more important than whether he starts school at a certain time. She is his mother and knows their needs far better than you.

If you want to help her, offer childcare so she can get a break, spend time with them and chat to them, gain her trust by being a friend and then you can have natural conversations about such things, assuming you have looked into resources and know the realities of the area she lives in.

You certainly cannot jump in there and drag her son off to school, or get someone else to do so. It is legal for her to educate him at home and you know nothing realistically about his needs, he might be better at home for now.

My DBro and SIL have the same situation except they had to withdraw their DS. He was placed in mainstream primary with one to one support but it became evident it was not meeting his needs. He is doubly incontinent and would come home have soiled his pad which led to him being sore and distressed, SIL was being rang most days to come and collect him because his behaviour was disturbing the rest of the class and the final straw was when the decided to teach him separate from the rest of the class in a small cupboard. The LEA could not find him a suitable place in a special needs class so they had no choice but to keep him home.

but she tends to fly off the handle so quickly.

a perfect candidate for a home educator 🙄

If you are concerned contact your LA education welfare, they will be able to check what the situation is and if found to not be accessing education at compulsory school age or home educated they can progress support.
You are right to be concerned, given the news we see unfortunately too often. There are times when children are not known to the LA due to not being in nursery etc and they slip through the net.
You are not doing anything wrong in asking the LA to check. They will not disclose information to you, but then at least you know checks will be done and if she is waiting for SEN support/EHCP that's fine and she will be in the system.
And I say this as someone who has seen families who avoid services and education providers, it is always best to check.

OP I think you’re getting an unfair grilling here. This is a child who doesn’t leave the house, whose mother isolates herself and him and also has a new baby to contend with. I’d be worried about all of them tbh. I have absolutely no doubt that having an autistic child makes day to day outings almost impossible, but can those posters with children with similar needs honestly say they never left the house with them?

OP has tried to talk to her about it and she changes the subject, she’s offered to look after the children, she sees them once a fortnight - hard to see what more she can do.

When kids slip through the net we wring our hands and say “where was the family” but there’s posters here openly advocating just minding your own business when there’s a family who on the face of it seems like they needs some support.

And no, I don’t think questioning why a child (even or perhaps especially one with autism) has little to no contact with the outside world is judgmental.

I mean I don’t think many mothers would take well to repeated suggestions that you are “harming” your child.

Now I'm under the impression that all children receive a school place.

If only that were true. There are parents of children with special needs all over the country desperate for their children to be in school but no school places have been allocated.

Maybe she just gets frustrated and upset when interfering nosy people make judgements about her and try to tell her how to parent the child that she knows best.

Flying off the handle might just mean tells the OP or others to shut up and mind her own business.

OP should give more details as to what she means by flying off the handle as it is a very vague and subjective term and if she means at the kids that is far more serious.

@Jackanorystory1

Just be aware that the system for SEN support in this country is completely broken and overly complex.

If her DC needs an EHCP - I’d say she needs support to get one started and then the Local Authority are likely to break the law in terms of timescales and providing the correct provision.

For any person with complex needs, making any change can feel enormous. It helps to chunk it down into small battles, but she probably needs assistance just prioritising what needs to be changed before she can actually move foward.

You seem to think that just dragging the child off to school, assuming one will take him, will fix things.

It won't.

It may in fact create a whole raft of other problems. If she is germaphobic (I presume you mean she experiences OCD) she might find it unbearable to have to deal with the situation of picking up and dropping off from school. There could be escalating complications from any intervention which she does not agree to.

The mother has needs that must be addressed before the children's situation can be changed.

As the children are not in danger, this is not a break down the door and change things scenario, this is a one brick at a time scenario and will take time. I very much doubt you are suitably trained to counsel her and help her improve their lives.

If you are genuinely concerned, contact your local social services, make it clear you want to remain anonymous and outline that your cousin needs resources and support, ask them to make an assessment and ask for advice from them, not mumsnet.

So you know nothing about what it’s like to parent a child with SEN and try to get them an appropriate education. But instead of asking
non confrontational questions and googling or something, you start being all judgmental.

Basically, this child needs SEN provision, for example a special school. In order to access that, he needs an EHCP (assuming he’s in England, they’re called other things in other parts of the UK). An EHCP takes time. It’s even harder if the child isn’t in an educational setting at all in the meantime.

You really do sound like you don’t like your cousin anyway and this is another stick to beat her with. She’s a single mum with a baby and a child with complex additional needs, no dad on the scene at all, possible OCD (she won’t take her children anywhere because of germs sounds quite debilitating for all of them) and god knows how many other people in her own extended family are sneering at her behind her back and not prepared to help in any meaningful way.

And it shows.

Educate yourself!

As an aside, I buy Biovea melatonin (which I and hubby occasionally use, we use a quarter or a half of a Biovea gummy). Not hard. In the UK, you have to get either Circadine on prescription or a food supplement like Biovea. I was told Circadine on NHS prescription is only for above 60s, at least here in Berkshire. I think you used to have to get Melatonin food supplements from France, but I’m not sure if this is the case still.

I have 2 autistic dc. They’re both verbal.

Mainstream has been awful for both of them. So much so that my youngest had a complete breakdown. Putting him back in mainstream would not have been productive.

It took us 2 years to find him a suitable place & that is out of the area, as there was nothing local to us.

It wasn’t just the only suitable placement offered. It was the only placement offered. No one else had space for him or could meet his needs. We only got that as the we’d made it clear to the council that we were going to fight to get him his education. We had to go to mediation & made it clear we’d go to court if necessary. There’s 2 of us. It nearly broke us. We’re still broken. The fight is real.

It’s likely they don’t get out much as it’s very difficult.

Please support your cousin. We’ve lost so many friends going through the last couple of years, but we’ve had each other. She’s all alone.

Comments about harming her child & what you think she’s doing wrong aren’t going to help her. Ask her what she needs.

Op in this situation id call social services and check the family are on their radar.

Op has asked mum. Mum hasnt said "oh god its a nightmare, ive applied but the school he needs is full so I'm home educating while fighting for EHCP/place".

She's buried her head in the sand and isn't going out due to germaphobia. Germaphobia that severe/life impacting needs medical/mental health support she likely is not getting. Those children are at risk - this are the sorts of kids who fall off everyone's radar, they aren't in school or nursery, aren't seen in the community.

But you've got time to watch from afar and judge her then post on here to slate her?

My friend has an autistic non verbal daughter. She's deferred her this year but she has to start in September. She has a diagnosis and reams of paperwork backing up she needs a special school. But in her area it's no ehcps, no special school place. Unfortunately her LA are automatically refusing all ehcp applications at first point, you have to appeal/go to tribunal. Oh and they also stated they won't issue to any child in early years (below year 1 at school) because they don't legally need to be in education until the term after 5 (or something such nonsense)

My friend has a supportive husband and family, they have good, well paying jobs and friends who are lawyers etc so they're fighting it with everything and it's still such a struggle she's in tears about it regularly. She's terrified of her daughter going to mainstream where they very likely will not be able to meet her needs.

So yeah... School probably would help the child you're "so concerned" about but it's not that simple so stop judging - either offer practical or emotional support or step the fuck away because the last thing that mum needs is another clueless onlooker judging her.