Why is he not in school

[Jackanorystory1]

Cousin has an autistic (non verbal) son. He went to childcare 1 day a week whilst she worked and has now stopped. They mainly stay home each day.
Dad is not in the scene at all. They live in a high rise so have no garden. DS will be 5 in March and he has not yet started school so has no friends and no one to play with. She doesn't take him to any groups so he is with her all day every day.
6 months ago she had another baby. DD from the same man as DS1.
DS1 has not yet started school and when I asked her why she claimed that he didn't have a place. Now I'm under the impression that all children receive a school place.
This must be harming the child by keeping him at home all day and not mixing.
Is it not against the law to keep your child at home.
I really do not know what to do. I would like to ask her what is going on but she tends to fly off the handle so quickly. Aibu to think that this is harming her child.

I spoke to a Mom last year who had waited 2 years for a place in a SEN school for their autistic son.

It is entirely possible a place has not been offered. Maybe offer to help.

Mainstream schools.cant always take.severly disabled children, as they don't have the support staff for.them. Sen schools don't have enough spaces for.new students, because there's more disabled.children then before. My neighbours son wasn't doing well at the mainstream school. He kept hitting the others, he he was always separated from others. The parents waited 2 years for a space at the sen school. He's there now and.loves it. For the first time, he has friends.

Agreed

but a “tendency to fly off the handle”? That’s a certain type of person and I’d argue - probably best not placed to be a home educator

For a 5 year old non verbal autistic child speech and language support is probably the priority, rather than a school place.

Could you gently ask mum if she has this in place? And if not support her to get that sorted.

At five it is usually predominantly delivered to the parents and can be done online so reassure her that she doesn’t need to leave the house to access it.

Id also offer to look after the children whilst she has a nap each time you visit. That’s much less stressful for the 5 year old than you babysitting, and you can build trust by promising (and following through) to wake her if the five year old gets distressed.

Maybe she just gets frustrated and upset when interfering nosy people make judgements about her and try to tell her how to parent the child that she knows best.

and perfect way to show people wrong is to “fly off the handle”

The right school, with the right support, possibly. But as PP have pointed out, these are as rare as hen’s teeth. The wrong school, with no support, would be extremely damaging for him.

4 years of stress, paperwork, appeals and battles, an absolute fortune in legal fees and private assessments. The chiid in my family is so damaged now they will never recover, much like most of the other children in the special school it is so hard to get into. It is soul destroying for the staff too, knowing what they could have done for the children if they had the chance.

Lots of people defending a neglectful single mother who's a) carried on having children and b) not looking after the one she's got. Never been in a shopping centre, or supermarket FGS? I'd be contacting social services pretty darn quickly as who knows what else is going on behind closed doors.

If he’s severely autistic it’s likely he needs a place at a special school. These places are like gold dust and the to get a place parents have to jump through hoops! As a non verbal child, he is unlikely to cope in a mainstream school and will be isolated! Stop being judgmental and offer some support, 45 minutes is hardly the other side of the country.

Well said.

I'm confused about the dad situation. He must have been on the scene for the cousin to have had another baby.

It sounds very difficult for the cousin.

I haven't RFTF but it's extremely likely he needs a special school place and the local authority haven't found one for him yet. Stop judging the mum when you clearly have NO IDEA how challenging life can be with a social needs child.

Mum is likely autistic too.

But at 5 years old…. Worth a shot FGS

I notice you didn't mention the dad who had a second child with her yet continues to be totally absent...

Maybe she has been trying? When the OP asked why he wasn’t in school, her cousin said he didn’t have a place — not that she didn’t care or hadn’t tried.

So, you've made a negative judgement on the mum and say you are worried for the child, but with no knowledge or understanding.

Quite simply, you're wrong. Finding a school place for a child with SEN, that meets the child's needs and does not put them at harm is hard.

Some children with Autism have huge anxiety and may not want to leave the house. Home may be their safe place. Every child with autism is different, so you need to get to know the child and support the mum. Not judge.

I also don’t know why everyone’s only focusing on the school solely point to make digs at the OP - it makes sense he’s not at school yet, as others have said far more eloquently better no school than the wrong school.

It’s everything else that raises red flags for me (not that his mum is purposefully neglectful but that she needs support also) - the fact that even as a baby he didn’t go out as a result of her being a germophobe is concerning and suggests there’s far more to this. And don’t even get me started on the dad 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

It can be hard for autistic children to manage in mainstream settings. If he has been to nursery in the past those difficulties for him may have shown up.

The LA do have a duty to educate but this may be through learning at home support if he can't be found a suitable placement. Hopefully she has support from the child development centre and health visitor to get the assessments and EHCP in place ready for school.

You're right to be worried. This child might not be on anyone's radar. Not going to school, not doing anything, being isolated and mother not able to discuss is not healthy for child or mother. There's no information that is about no suitable places sen being available. There might be environmental issues tieing into this child's needs.

I'd make a referral and get them onto social services radar. There's early help support if they need it and nothing lost if they don't.

People can't have it all ways, be shocked if children are harmed at home but insist support isn't needed when they really don't know as in most of the responses here.

This child should absolutely be in school and should be accessing outside services like speech and language therapy. In order to receive support that is statutory in the UK, your nephew will be needing a education health and care plan . I would ask your sister if she has looked into this. He may or may not need a special school place, but there are some great primary schools who take children with significant need. I would help her look around at the local primary schools and contact some, describe your nephew's situation. If he starts off in a mainstream primary school, they can often help with applying for an Education health and care plan and he can transfer to special after one is in place. You will need an EHCP to go to a special needs school or a school with a specialist unit. Best wishes

Of course it is legal for him not to go to school. Do you think the thousands of us who home educate our children our children because school is harmful for them or not the right place are doing it illegally?

Do you know more about the germ phobia OP? How does it manifest itself and how long has she struggled with it?

Do you mean she just likes to have things clean, or does she limit her life severely but not going anywhere unless she has to?

Does her son have a formal autism diagnosis and if so, when and how did she get it for him? Was there external care and advice for the family happening at that point?

I tend to agree with the poster who suggested your cousin might also be autistic. My son has both autism and the sort of OCD that at one point kept him indoors shaking at the thought of the outside air coming in to touch him, and I think the two can often go together. But it's also possible, from what you've said, that the child's diagnosis sent her into a spiral of anxiety that is now limiting all their lives.

I would be worried about her, as much as the child. She lives in a high rise and never goes out. She has no support, doesn't go to groups and meet people, and now has another baby. And she flies off the handle easily

Presumably she has no friends, if she doesn't go out. The little boy gets no fresh air, never feels the grass under his feet or experiences a swing or a ball.

She needs help and support and OP absolutely should be concerned. She's getting a lot of grief on here, but as a professional in the autism field, I'd be very concerned both for the boy and for his mother. And I would be looking towards the second child's quality of life.

This family needs some sensitive intervention.
@Jackanorystory1 does she have any family support? Have you asked her if she has any help from any source at all?

Why are people accusing the OP of being judgmental and horrible? She sounds concerned. I think she knows more about the situation than we do, as she visits often. It sounds like the family's world is very small; no school, no groups, even shopping is delivered. I would be concerned if this were my friend or family member, concerned for their well-being and the children's too. This is an anonymous forum; you should be able to post for advice without people being so nasty.

OP, it's a tough one. It sounds like, from what you say, that they are in what feels like a safe routine. Mum could be waiting for a school place; a friend of mine didn't get a place somewhere until their child was about 6.5 because there were no local SEN places for their child, even by taxi. It could be something you gently bring up in conversation and see if she needs any support with contacting the LA or anything.

Agreed, and risking a deletion here I'd say that the OPs username tells us everything we need to know