Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is he not in school

205 replies

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:15

Cousin has an autistic (non verbal) son. He went to childcare 1 day a week whilst she worked and has now stopped. They mainly stay home each day.
Dad is not in the scene at all. They live in a high rise so have no garden. DS will be 5 in March and he has not yet started school so has no friends and no one to play with. She doesn't take him to any groups so he is with her all day every day.
6 months ago she had another baby. DD from the same man as DS1.
DS1 has not yet started school and when I asked her why she claimed that he didn't have a place. Now I'm under the impression that all children receive a school place.
This must be harming the child by keeping him at home all day and not mixing.
Is it not against the law to keep your child at home.
I really do not know what to do. I would like to ask her what is going on but she tends to fly off the handle so quickly. Aibu to think that this is harming her child.

OP posts:
MumChp · 29/01/2025 00:13

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:10

@surreygirl1987 and why should I??? My children are not Send. My cousin wouldn't have either if her child wasn't born autistic.

What was the point of your message.

Good for you but you appear ignorant and judgmental when you talk about school placement and excursions to the supermsrket and cinema that many of these children have no pleasure in.

I don't think you mean any harm but parents with sen children are fed up with this approach.

Anonforthis58 · 29/01/2025 00:14

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:43

She hasn't tried as she is a germaphobe and doesn't take him anywhere. He's never been to a supermarket, leisure centre, cinema, shopping centre.

Show quote history

You have no idea OP! Stop being so judgmental! And for the record - her non verbal autistic child would likely HATE all the things you’ve mentioned here and would likely not cope at all!

Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:15

@Seaside31 I couldn't contact them as they may remove them from her. They are healthy and fed and loved with no danger present. She does not drink smoke do drugs or have anyone around them like that. Those were not my concerns.

OP posts:
Gagaandgag · 29/01/2025 00:16

How do you know she doesn’t take him out or go to groups?

MumChp · 29/01/2025 00:16

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:15

@Seaside31 I couldn't contact them as they may remove them from her. They are healthy and fed and loved with no danger present. She does not drink smoke do drugs or have anyone around them like that. Those were not my concerns.

If your only concern is school educate yourself how hard a placement is to come by for a sen child.

ElsaGreen · 29/01/2025 00:16

He is not yet compulsory school age. He will be after Easter break, but cousin has the right to home school.

If you are concerned, what are you offering to do to help? Go round on a regular basis to help with the baby?

Have you read any books about autism/ done research online to better understand what your cousin is dealing with?

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 29/01/2025 00:17

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:12

@BeaAndBen so one person is telling me to help her or to offer to babysit and then you are saying how could she leave him with me. I am not a stranger. I never said I was. I see him once a fortnight and actually get in well with him and play with him. So don't judge.

You see him once a fortnight and don't understand anything about SEN?

Original poster
Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:18

TaggieO · 29/01/2025 00:13

If he’s non- verbal and autistic then he’d need to attend a specialist setting ideally, which is rarer than hen’s teeth and simply may not have got a place.

Thank you.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 29/01/2025 00:19

I'm so glad you are not related to me. You are coming across as horrid on this thread.

  1. The child does not have to be in school, CSA is the term AFTER the child turns 5.
  2. There is NO legal requirement for children to attend school in the UK.
  3. The SEN provision in the UK is severely LACKING, making it extremely difficult for children with special needs to get an appropriate school placement.
  4. Many SEN parents are pretty much forced to home educate due to point 3 above.

You are being terribly judgemental against your cousin, and respectfully, unless you actually LIVE with them, you have no idea on how they live their lives. I highly doubt their lives are as exactly as you describe. It's usually commonplace for people like you to exaggerate these claims for effect.

Mind your own business, you've made it clear there are no safeguarding concerns, so their lives are literally not your concern.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/01/2025 00:20

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:15

@Seaside31 I couldn't contact them as they may remove them from her. They are healthy and fed and loved with no danger present. She does not drink smoke do drugs or have anyone around them like that. Those were not my concerns.

Why on earth would they remove the children if they're not being neglected or abused? Your posts keep contradicting each other!

BeaAndBen · 29/01/2025 00:22

I couldn't contact them as they may remove them from her. They are healthy and fed and loved with no danger present.

Why on earth would you think Social Services would take her children away if thety are safe and well cared for?
Your cousin is clearly dealing with one hell of a lot, and doesn't sound like she has much support in place. God knows it's like finding hen's teeth, accessing decent support fort SEN children, but Child Services are concerned with helping get the best outcomes for children, not taking them away from loving parents.

Until you understand her son's needs and he's confident enough to be with you, babysitting is unlikely. But helping her with the new baby, cooking, helping keep on top of things and just making her a cuppa and listening are all valuable as well.

You might be a lovely and supportive cousin to her. I hope for for her sake. However, your opening post of "why isn't he in school and isn't she breaking the law" didn't exactly sound like you were on her side, it sounded judgemental.

picturethispatsy · 29/01/2025 00:24

FYI children in England do not get allocated a school place unless a parent applies for one.
Home education is the default option.

Mopsandcustard · 29/01/2025 00:28

Skipthisbit · 29/01/2025 00:06

Ffs … child dies from neglect or abuse and MN is full of how did it happen, what about family, why did no one do anything.
Poster asks advice about if it’s normal not to have a school place and the reaction is non of your business, stay out of it etc

Children with SEND are exponentially more likely to suffer abuse or neglect either deliberately or because parent(s) can’t cope.

But yeh just stay out of it, say nothing and don’t question anything 🙄

Most people are suggesting that OP should try to offer help and support. OP says she can't do that.
Which is very sad as this poor woman must be on her knees.

DressOrSkirt · 29/01/2025 00:29

I think it's ok to worry about your nephew @Jackanorystory1 and hope you ignore anyone telling you it's none of your business.

I hope other posters have relieved your worry around schooling (that he doesn't have to start yet and may have to be home schooled).

But it sounds like he literally never even goes outside which is obviously unhealthy (both physically and mentally). Do they have a balcony to get fresh air on?

As for PPs saying he might not enjoy the cinema etc, that is true but he also might. Lots of SEN children do enjoy those things and I think most cinemas now have special screenings for them.

Seaside31 · 29/01/2025 00:30

Jackanorystory1 · 29/01/2025 00:15

@Seaside31 I couldn't contact them as they may remove them from her. They are healthy and fed and loved with no danger present. She does not drink smoke do drugs or have anyone around them like that. Those were not my concerns.

@Seaside31 Social services do not remove kids that are “heathy and fed and loved with no danger present” 🙄
Your posts all seen to tell a very mixed up story to be honest. As others have already said, there’s a high probability that he just doesn’t have a suitable school place yet.

I’d be concerned about your cousin tbh - to be so much of a germaphobe that you don’t go anywhere isn’t healthy at all - for her or the children.

MumWifeOther · 29/01/2025 00:30

Jackanorystory1 · 28/01/2025 23:28

I work FT have children and live 45 mins away so I can give no help.

Im worried for the child's welfare being stuck at home all day everyday with no one else other than his mother & a baby.

Surely school would be beneficial for him.

She knows her child, you don’t. If you can’t offer any tangible support, stay out of it.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 29/01/2025 00:31

Who looked after the boy when she gave birth? During hospital appointments, jackanory?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 29/01/2025 00:32

@DressOrSkirt he isn't her nephew, and whilst she can worry for him, he's still none of her business. She can signpost her cousin to places to seek support, if she's so highly concerned. Otherwise, she needs to stop being so critical and judgemental over her cousin who has a lot to deal with and really doesn't need OP's judgement.

saraclara · 29/01/2025 00:32

ReadingSoManyThreads · 29/01/2025 00:19

I'm so glad you are not related to me. You are coming across as horrid on this thread.

  1. The child does not have to be in school, CSA is the term AFTER the child turns 5.
  2. There is NO legal requirement for children to attend school in the UK.
  3. The SEN provision in the UK is severely LACKING, making it extremely difficult for children with special needs to get an appropriate school placement.
  4. Many SEN parents are pretty much forced to home educate due to point 3 above.

You are being terribly judgemental against your cousin, and respectfully, unless you actually LIVE with them, you have no idea on how they live their lives. I highly doubt their lives are as exactly as you describe. It's usually commonplace for people like you to exaggerate these claims for effect.

Mind your own business, you've made it clear there are no safeguarding concerns, so their lives are literally not your concern.

Where is OP being horrid? Where is she being judgemental? She has spoken highly of her cousins love and care for the children. But she is concerned for the little boy. And as a career-long teacher of children like him, I'd be concerned too, for him and for his mother.
She is living a very isolated life, with no support for her situation, and the new baby potentially will likely also lead that isolated life (yet will probably not have any special needs).

Yes, it might well be that the LA can't find a school for him yet, @Jackanorystory1. His needs might be such that the LA can't find a school able to manage him, with a place.

It seems odd that you haven't had more detailed conversations with your cousin if you see her once a fortnight. I'd certainly encourage her to be meeting parents in her situation and getting support. My region has a couple of very active autism groups. Here's might too.
She does need to think about her new child, who will need socialisation very soon, if not already.

saraclara · 29/01/2025 00:34

It's your cousin also neuro diverse @Jackanorystory1 ?

notanothernamechange24 · 29/01/2025 00:34

Sorry I don't buy it OP. You say the child is nearly 5, non verbal and diagnosed autistic. You also say that you visit fortnightly.
I don't believe that after 4 years of knowing this child - at least two of which it will have been clear he had special needs - that you can be as ignorant as you sound. I just don't. At the very least you would have done some basic research and know enough not to be as horrendously judgemental as you are.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 29/01/2025 00:35

@saraclara her opening post wreaks of judgemental criticism. That's what I found horrid. Apologies, I thought it was obvious, if not, go back and read each sentence of the OP, as I have, and I didn't find it any less horrid and judgemental the second time.

crumblingschools · 29/01/2025 00:37

I have some dealings with a local Special school, they have over 100 referrals for the 10 spare places. Some of the children they take on have been out of school for 3-4 years.

Getting a suitable school place for a child with complex needs is a nightmare for parents

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 29/01/2025 00:39

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 29/01/2025 00:31

Who looked after the boy when she gave birth? During hospital appointments, jackanory?

Op says that she had a home birth.... apparently.

Missanimosity · 29/01/2025 00:40

You are judging her but when others tell you is not so easy and you know nothing about the situation you go why should I know? Maybe educate yourswlf a bit in autism before asking why he doesn't go to play groups so you can understand her better? Children with autism are very particular about routine most likely that's why she is at home all the time, trying to keep her son happy while juggling a baby as well. I understand why she won't open up to you you don't sound very nice