Who should pay - bride or bridemaid?

[Runrabbit123]

Just want to see if the way I’m feeling is fair or not.

Friend has asked 7 of us to be bridesmaids for her in June.

Now for some reason I always thought it was the done thing for the bride to pay for bridemaid dresses, hair, make up and bouquet. Which is what I did for my bridesmaids 6 years. Especially as let’s be honest most bridesmaid dresses you couldn’t wear again.

Friend asked us to be bridemaids last year which I agreed too. We’ve just booked the hen, I could only attend one day of the weekend due to costs (new mum just returned back to work last month from mat leave)

So was a bit shocked to be asked about paying for our dresses and hair to be done. I said I’d do my own make up. I really don’t want to let friend down but I don’t have a spare £150-200 for dress and hair. I’m happy to do my make up and buy a pair of shoes. Just don’t want to look like a bad friend.

AIBU - bridesmaid should pay
YANBU - bride pays

It is an american thing for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. My friend just told her bridesmaids to wear black, anything they wanted, so got around it that way and saved them an expense. In general, I think it is pretty shoddy to ask bridesmaids to pay.

If the bride/ groom want to dictate what people wear and how they look then of course they need to pay.

I'm UK and didn't realise the bride was supposed to pay, I've always paid for all my own.

The bride is a CF who is expecting you all to foot part of the bill for her wedding costs so she can have the day she wants. She should have chosen fewer bridesmaids and paid, or given you the choice to wear what you like if you are paying. What are you going to do?

I paid for dresses. I didn't pay for hair or shoes as I wasn't bothered about their hair or shoes, they could do whatever they wanted.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do this. It depends entirely in each individual wedding. However she should have made it esr from the get-go so you could either have declined or saved up.

I had 4 bridesmaids. I paid for their dresses and jewellery. We all did our own make up and a friend did my hair but then also did most of the bridesmaids to. However, the all insisted on paying for their own dresses but I declined. They did pay for my hen do however.

Edited to add...we didn't have traditional bridesmaid dresses, they were far more modern evening gown type dresses that were in navy blue and could absolutely be used again. I also really didn't Carr what they went for as long as they were all in 1 colour. It was pure fluke they all decided between them on the same dress.

If it is a specific dress the bride should pay, if it’s more of a can you wear a certain colour I then see no problem with the bridesmaid paying. 7 bridesmaids is a lot maybe your friend should cut back to make it more affordable.

Absolutely wild. Sorry, but your friend is a CF.

Bridesmaids pay in Oz too. But you can say no without causing offence. It might be more difficult in the UK where being asked to be a bridesmaid is seen as an honour.

If the bride wants to follow the US/Oz model, she’ll need to suck it up if you decide you can’t afford the job.

See that’s a big difference between this situation and when I asked bridesmaids to pay for their dresses.

I gave them a colour scheme and then they could choose any dress they wanted.

I said they could wear whatever shoes they wanted meaning they didn’t have to buy new.

I said they could have their hair however they wanted meaning they could do something they were comfortable and confident doing themselves.

I got married locally meaning no one had to pay for accommodation.

If there were other costs adding up for my bridesmaids I would have paid for something along the way. Either accommodation or the dress etc.

I still can’t get over being asked to pay for my DD’s hired bridesmaid dress in the 80s. She was asked as a last minute stand in. It wasn’t cheap either, £50 in the 80s!

I paid for it all for my bridesmaid, except for shoes which she already had, including the overnight stay at hotel. She travelled a distance to attend my wedding & be my bridesmaid so I can't imagine expecting her to have forked out for anything!

Bride should pay.

Are you going to say anything to her?

When I got married I had three bridesmaids, I paid for dresses and hair as I had specific ideas. They wore any nude shoe amd make up was optional. I also paid for flowers. We also paid for best mans suit hire.

When dhs best man got married a few years later he had 4 best men (including dh) not only did they get married abroad so we had the cost of a five star hotel stay but the best men had to pay for their own suits. So it cost him £80 to attend our wedding (hotel for one night) and it cost us about £1400 to attend his wedding

Absolutely this.

I think anyone who has been invited to be a bridesmaid needs to ask how much it is going to cost them to fulfill this "honour"

I'd say something along the lines of "thank you for asking me, but I really can't afford to be a bridesmaid, but would love to come as a guest"

If the bride wants bridesmaids to have hair and make up done, wear a certain dress, shoes accessories etc then she should pay. If she isn’t bothered about these things/maybe can’t afford them then she has no right to ask bridesmaids to pay, but she should be happy for them to do their own hair/makeup, wear their own dresses perhaps in the colour scheme (and not expect them to buy one especially) and accessories etc. Being a bridesmaid often comes with added costs for the bridal party anyway, such as Hen Do, so as a bride I wouldn’t want to impose any more costs than necessary. However, some brides do take absolutely liberties.

I found it difficult when I was bridesmaid for my best friend and her Hen Do (as she requested a certain place) cost me hundreds of £. She then asked all of us to order our bridesmaid dresses from a high street clothing brand - she paid for them but when they arrived and didn’t fit any of us right (too long, too big/small and trying other sizes didn’t help) she told us she didn’t have the budget for alterations and we’d have to get them done ourselves and pay for them. She requested we all have our nails done for the day (and a fake tan but a “good quality one at a salon”, I got out of that one because fake tan flares my eczema up) - so that was another expense. It all started adding up. I lived hours away from the venue so DH and I paid for a hotel the night of the wedding (I didn’t mind this as it’s often the case with things due to where we live and it was our choice to stay over). But I did mind 3 days before the wedding the bride texting us all asking for £100 each to pay our share of the cottage the night before - we’d been told this was covered and included in her wedding package but it obviously wasn’t.

So when I got married I insisted on nothing fancy or expensive for the Hen Do, paid for hair, make up, dresses (and alterations after a few bridesmaids got their measurements wrong and the custom made dresses arrived sized wrong). I let everyone wear their own accessories and shoes as I wanted them to be comfortable.

If only more bridesmaids kicked back at these unreasonable requests.

If a bride wants an instagram wedding she pays.

@Runrabbit123 please resign. The bridezilla will just keep piling on more costs for her Instagram wedding

I spoke to bride on way home from work, I called her and reminded her of the reason i couldn’t do the long weekend hen party and could only do 1 day due to money so I said I’d be happy to purchase a dress of around £25-35 which is what I’d spend on a guest dress but couldn’t do £115. I said I’ve already got some nude heels and will do my own make up but hair I’d have to think about depending on costs. Have now found out there’s 9 bridemaids not 7. Think her DP put the pressure on and said “you need to have my cousins as we’re close and to ensure 9 bridemaids aren’t too expensive we can ask them to buy their own dress”
Anyway bride is now going to have to rethink her options and said she might just do any colour or find a cheaper dress.

If the bride says it then the bride pays it.

She shouldn't have so many bridesmaids if she can't afford to pay for the dresses.

Make up and hair on the fence as i did my own and my bridesmaids

9?? Ridiculous

I think this is fair. If the bride dictates, and if it isn't really wearable again, then bride pays. Likewise, if she wants everyone to have their hair done, she pays. If she doesn't mind if you do your own, then it is your choice if you do, and therefore you pay if you want to.

Well done for talking to her @Runrabbit123
The bride sounds like she is listening to you and wants you there. I hope she finds a sensible solution.

I don’t think I’m the first person to talk to her about it if I’m honest, it sounds like a couple of the girls have mentioned the costs

Sod that. Cheeky cow(her not you).