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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should pay - bride or bridemaid?

284 replies

Runrabbit123 · 28/01/2025 14:21

Just want to see if the way I’m feeling is fair or not.

Friend has asked 7 of us to be bridesmaids for her in June.

Now for some reason I always thought it was the done thing for the bride to pay for bridemaid dresses, hair, make up and bouquet. Which is what I did for my bridesmaids 6 years. Especially as let’s be honest most bridesmaid dresses you couldn’t wear again.

Friend asked us to be bridemaids last year which I agreed too. We’ve just booked the hen, I could only attend one day of the weekend due to costs (new mum just returned back to work last month from mat leave)

So was a bit shocked to be asked about paying for our dresses and hair to be done. I said I’d do my own make up. I really don’t want to let friend down but I don’t have a spare £150-200 for dress and hair. I’m happy to do my make up and buy a pair of shoes. Just don’t want to look like a bad friend.

AIBU - bridesmaid should pay
YANBU - bride pays

OP posts:
GinLover198 · 01/02/2025 08:08

When I was bridesmaid, bride paid for dress & shoes. We paid for hair & makeup. This happened on both occasions. When I was getting married, I paid for it all as I was happy to. I paid for all wedding party (mothers) to have hair & makeup done & it was a lovely experience with us all going to beautician & hairdresser together. DP is an only child & his Mum loved being part of the girlie preparations. We took bubbles down to the salon etc & had a great time. I paid it all ahead so when bridesmaids went to try to pay, they’d a lovely surprise that it was all taken care of. They didn’t know by who & I told them it was my Mum. They still don’t know!

Strugglingforanamechange · 01/02/2025 08:21

I paid for dresses, hair and flowers. Bridesmaids paid for their own shoes & we did our own make up.
likewise when I was asked to be a bridesmaid- same thing.
i think if you can’t afford the money to buy dress and have your hair done and she also can’t afford to buy them for you there should be no hard feelings but brides do be crazy when it comes to weddings so no telling if she’ll be reasonable or not. Fww yanbu

NewMrsF · 01/02/2025 08:21

Bride should pay.
if she can’t afford to pay for 7 bridesmaid then she shouldn’t have 7.
it’s incredibly unfair to ask people to pay out to be a part of your wedding.

1HappyTraveller · 01/02/2025 08:31

if a bride wants something specific then they should be paying for it themselves. Unless the bridesmaids chose their dress and they can wear them dresses again the bride should pay. Hair, makeup etc, if the bride wants it they should pay. All too often we are getting brides asking guests to shell out hundreds of pounds for their wedding. If a bride can’t afford bridesmaids then don’t have them.

YANBU @Runrabbit123, well done for
challenging it. She’s a CF.

KRoo22 · 01/02/2025 08:51

I paid for my bridesmaids dress and hair. They wore their own shoes, did their own make up (and mine!) they also organised the hen do so kept it to their budget.

OlympicWomen · 01/02/2025 08:55

As pp have said 7 bridesmaids is a lot. She clearly wants a big wedding, but maybe the budget doesn't match.
There's no need for a hairdresser, just do your hair as usual for an event. Makeup artists are a recent thing, and not necessary. So it boils down to the dress. If you can't afford a new dress, just pull out of being a bridesmaid.

OlympicWomen · 01/02/2025 08:57

I've just read your update. 5am is bonkers. You're not working down a coalmine, it's a wedding.
It's enough just to get there a bit before the ceremony to wish her luck.

Sweetiedarling2024 · 01/02/2025 09:15

Your friend is a total cheapskate. I hate how so many people feel it’s acceptable to ask bridesmaids etc to pay for their dresses.

I had 6 bridesmaids, I paid for their dresses. I didn’t have a lot of money and wanted to be sustainable so I said, I’ll pay for your dress, I’d like it to be second hand and something you’ll wear again - choose a dress in X shade and I’ll buy it for you. With shoes, I said wear whatever is comfortable - doesn’t matter on colour etc. Everyone was in long dresses so you couldn’t see them anyways…!!

With hair and make up, I said if you want it professionally doing you will have to cover the cost yourself but you’re more than welcome to do your own hair and make up in whatever style you like ❤️

Everyone was happy and no one was out of pocket.

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/02/2025 09:24

I agree with the pp who said that we are seeing US culture and there is now a merging of ideas eg multiple bridesmaids, all the men wearing matching outfits with waistcoats etc. This is expensive and often uses up budget that would otherwise have been spent on the meal and general fun. Your wedding and marriage won't be more of a success because of nine bridesmaids! Your family and friends will remember hanging about for hours for the bridal party to be photographed, inadequate food, warm wine etc and not in a good way.

flower858 · 01/02/2025 09:25

Yea she should be paying. I didn't have bridesmaids for this reason, I had 4/5 close friends but meant the cost to me would have been a lot. So to avoid offending anyone and having to pick who I wanted and having the cost outlay we just had a flower girl so paid for her dress about £30 from memory. The hairstylist did a little up do which was about 5 min job and I asked the flower lady to do a little bunch of gypsophila so super reasonable. My brother's I just bought them the colour ties I wanted and said where whatever suits you wanted and that you already had. The rest of the party was military anyway so we're in uniform. So much less stressful x

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/02/2025 09:32

I had one bridesmaid and one flower girl. I couldn’t afford more. Bridesmaid had her dress and hair paid for. We did our own makeup and she wore her own shoes.

Ophy83 · 01/02/2025 09:33

I can't get over the 5 a.m. start! That sounds exhausting

CoralHare · 01/02/2025 09:40

I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times. My experience was that the bride paid for the dress and bridesmaids paid for everything else. But I know some people have paid for their own dresses particularly when they get a say in them. So it’s definitely something that depends…

Stanley44132 · 01/02/2025 09:40

Agree that the American culture is coming over the UK more and more on this. I think bride should buy dress and anything else eg shoes and accessories if they want bridesmaids matching. If they don’t want matching I don’t think bride needs to pay. Hair and make up I’m on the fence, it’s nice to have but if it’s not mandated then again I don’t think the bride should pay - if it is then she should.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 01/02/2025 09:53

I think this is one of the side-effect of celebrity / influencer culture.
Weddings used to be joyous occasions where two people got married and were delighted if friends and family were able and willing to celebrate with them. If someone was asked to perform a special role at the ceremony, the costs were covered by the couple, grateful that the person had accepted the role.

Now weddings have become massive, overblown VIP events, designed purely to flatter the vanity of the couple (or more specifically, the bride), and anyone attending is expected to be grateful to have this honour bestowed on them. The absolute least that can be expected is that they remortgage their house to cover all associated costs, give their children and pets up for adoption, and take a month's unpaid leave in order to attend.

Channellingsophistication · 01/02/2025 09:55

The bride should be paying for the dress. It’s outrageous to think that someone would expect you to pay for something you will only wear once and is of their choosing for their special day! As to the hair and make up that should be optional and I think it would be ok for the bridesmaid to pay for that if they want it to be done. However, if the bride is insisting on professional hair and make up, then they should pay!

BlackSwan · 01/02/2025 10:03

I was once required to pay for the bridesmaid's dress I would be wearing. The bride selected the dress. I paid. Then I bought some elegant shoes to go with it. The dress was floor length so the shoes not really on show anyway.

I then stopped working... The bride declared I needed to buy different shoes to match everyone else's. I said no, if you want me to wear different shoes, you can pay for them.

She had a tantrum & I told her I didn't want to be her bridesmaid & attend her wedding. Then she left me a load of messages demanding I sell her the bridesmaid's dress for a different bridesmaid. I refused - the dress was nice & now I had matching shoes. She went ballistic.
Fell out completely over it.

I paid for my bridesmaid's dresses & shoes. And bought them gifts. As should always be the case.

curious79 · 01/02/2025 10:12

I paid for everything for bridemaids, except hen night

Hiccupsandteacups · 01/02/2025 10:14

In the U.K. the bride pays for dress and if applicable hair and make up

Tanjamaltija · 01/02/2025 10:16

She is having 7 bridesmaids because she expects them to pay for themselves, and she is not ready to pay for 7. So, apologise ad say you cannot afford it. If she really wants you, she will pony up for you, and ask you not to tell the others.

Emmz1510 · 01/02/2025 11:18

I tend to think the bride should pay, especially if the dresses are particularly ‘formal/bridesmaidy’ and unlikely to be worn again. The bride could always sell
them after. But I can see why some bridesmaids pay if the bride is happy for a less formal look and not too hung up on a certain look/colour scheme.
Ditto with hair and make up- if they want a certain look they should pay. If they are happy for people to use their own hair and make up skills then fine, they can save money in that area. In both cases it wouldn’t be fair for them to to expect bridesmaids to pay for formal do’s.
You would not be unreasonable to say you haven’t the budget for this, especially if you factor in a wedding gift/travel/accommodation/drinks. If I were a bride expecting bridesmaids to pay I would be saying to them not to get me a gift! Is that an option?

RampantIvy · 01/02/2025 11:42

Who even notices the bridesmaids shoes anyway @BlackSwan?

OlympicWomen · 01/02/2025 11:43

I don't believe I've ever been to a wedding with 7 bridesmaids. It's overkill.

Xsxjxmx · 01/02/2025 13:49

You aren't being unreasonable. It's still common place for brides to pay for the dress at the very least and have no expectations of the bridesmaid to pay for hair and make up unless they want to. If someone's needing or wanting you to pay for anything or everything then hey should be telling you upfront when they ask you to be bridesmaid

Manthide · 01/02/2025 15:53

I'm in the UK and both dd1 and dd2 had their bridesmaids pay for their dresses but they paid for the hair and makeup. Neither were super prescriptive about the dresses - one wanted a particular shade of red but any style and the other wanted the dresses to be flowery but again any style. All bridesmaids were adult except dd3 who was 11/13 and I paid for hers

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