Who should pay - bride or bridemaid?

[Runrabbit123]

Just want to see if the way I’m feeling is fair or not.

Friend has asked 7 of us to be bridesmaids for her in June.

Now for some reason I always thought it was the done thing for the bride to pay for bridemaid dresses, hair, make up and bouquet. Which is what I did for my bridesmaids 6 years. Especially as let’s be honest most bridesmaid dresses you couldn’t wear again.

Friend asked us to be bridemaids last year which I agreed too. We’ve just booked the hen, I could only attend one day of the weekend due to costs (new mum just returned back to work last month from mat leave)

So was a bit shocked to be asked about paying for our dresses and hair to be done. I said I’d do my own make up. I really don’t want to let friend down but I don’t have a spare £150-200 for dress and hair. I’m happy to do my make up and buy a pair of shoes. Just don’t want to look like a bad friend.

AIBU - bridesmaid should pay
YANBU - bride pays

Bride pays or doesn’t have. 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely not. I paid for all the wedding party's accommodation for my first wedding, I was only 20 and thought it was the right thing. Second one we got married at 4pm and finished at midnight so no accommodation was required. Edited to say my dad did, parents paid for it all back in the 80s

Run - before it is too late.

And NOT in nude heels either

When we got married (2017) the only thing I didn't pay for was their shoes and I said they could wear whatever they wanted.

I went by the rule, if I chose it, I paid for it. I gave them options with their dress between 2 and they all chose the multiway dresses. They all had hair and make up paid for but they chose their styles.

I wouldn't be happy to have to pay a lot of money for an outfit someone else has chosen for me, to wear once

I wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid in those circumstances. I'd step down.

Is she a very good friend? Can you get out of it?
I would be racking my brains thinking of ways to get out of it, I suppose you can only say that it’s been a very tight year because if maternity leave and this is just outside of your budget

What is the feeling you are getting from the other bridesmaids about this?

I agree with PPs that it's the bride who pays. It's easy to have seven bridesmaids when you aren't paying for them! If you can't afford to buy 7 dresses, don't have 7 BMs.

That said, in the US it's more usual for BMs to buy their own.

Based on this update, the Bride should pay, and I mean pay for the dress, the shoes and the hair dresser. She has a particular look she is going for then she coughs up for it.

If you're in the bridal party, you may get a discount on the hotel cost but I'm not sure if the £170 p.n. is including that discount or not. They should pay for the first night and you pay for the second.

I can see this bridal party going from 7 bridesmaids/groomsmen to 1 or 2.

Run. Run now and run fast! By all means be a guest but this is crazy.

I paid for my bridesmaids! Would never have asked them to fork out

I paid for my bridesmaids hair, make up, dresses, flowers etc. I wouldn't expect them to pay. They all chose their own dresses too. I wanted them to be happy and comfortable.

The bride should pay - she has asked 7 people to be her bridesmaids, she shouldn't have asked as many if she couldn't afford it.

I have been a bride and have also have been a bridesmaid several times and it has been the responsibility of the bride and groom to pay for their wedding party.

I had three bridesmaids, 2 junior bridesmaids and a flower girl and I paid for everything for them - dress, shoes, flowers, hair and make up etc. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking them to pay. If they wanted to get their nails done for the day, that was up to them but I didn't pay for that.

I know some bridesmaids want to pay for their own shoes as they are going to wear them again - I did this once when I was a bridesmaid. People are more likely to buy their own shoes and you often have bridesmaids with non matching shoes as they are barely visible under a longer dress.

DD paid for their dresses, hair, make up, bouquets and hotel rooms the night before the wedding. Plus gifts including make up robes, gin and lunch before the wedding. Being mindful of budget and costs she only had two. The bridesmaids and her other friends hosted the hen party and DD’s costs including overnight accommodation. The costs OP are alluding to are crazy.

Bride should pay for dress unless they give you a colour and let you choose. If they are choosing they pay.

Bride should pay for hair and give the option for make up as extra.

Can’t be doing with people having bridesmaids when they can’t afford it.

I got married last year. I paid for bridesmaids dresses, hair, make up and flowers. Just asked them to get their own shoes.

The bride should pay (if in UK anyway), we did for my bridesmaids dresses and hair when we got married.
She shouldn't be having 6 bridesmaids if she can't afford the dresses

Royals don't have many bridesmaids because bridesmaids aren't posh. Especially teams of bachelorettes all in the same strip.

As the bride I paid for my bridesmaids. But I have been a bridesmaid when I was expected to pay. I went along with it because I could afford it but I was definitely shocked by the expectation.

This

I would contact the bride along the lines of 'With regret I must withdraw from being your bridesmaid. The mounting costs have made my participation completely infeasible. Best wishes, will be thinking of you on the day, Regards @Runrabbit123 '.

She's being unreasonable to ask the SEVEN of you to subsidise her wedding plans.

I agree.

Queen Elizabeth had 11.

OP - be honest and tell her you cant afford it

My friend bought the dress (we chose from a store she picked in her budget) and I bought shoes and accessories to go with it. We did eachothers hair and make up to keep costs down.

I'm with the 97%

Anything needed specifically for the wedding, should be covered by the B&G.
If they can't afford it, then they can't have it.

I'd send a nice message along the lines of "Sorry if I've misunderstood, but I am surprised you are asking me to pay for the bridesmaid dress for your wedding. I don't have the budget for that, so I'm going to have to stand down as bridesmaid. I will look forward to the day as a guest instead"

Weddings…. I’ve always thought that for those that don’t want to get married the fact that two people are getting married and expect so many people to fork out so much… hotels, gift, travel etc… it’s a lovely thing but really, it’s just a party. And half of weddings don’t last. Can you tell I think wedding parties are a bit of a waste of time ;) Marriage is really a legal agreement where assets are protected for both parties. Considering anyone at anytime can walk away - it’s just the legal protection that makes a difference - and then why have a huge party to celebrate a legal agreement… And then, to seek those that spend additional time to pay for things that really are just about an outfit for a party… I mean. No. The options are wear what you want or bride pays. We didn’t want to marry, we have been for 20 years and have legal agreements regarding our shared assets should it ever come to a separation. Love is beyond marriage and the pressure weddings create for couples and their families and pals - I just don’t get it.