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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should pay - bride or bridemaid?

284 replies

Runrabbit123 · 28/01/2025 14:21

Just want to see if the way I’m feeling is fair or not.

Friend has asked 7 of us to be bridesmaids for her in June.

Now for some reason I always thought it was the done thing for the bride to pay for bridemaid dresses, hair, make up and bouquet. Which is what I did for my bridesmaids 6 years. Especially as let’s be honest most bridesmaid dresses you couldn’t wear again.

Friend asked us to be bridemaids last year which I agreed too. We’ve just booked the hen, I could only attend one day of the weekend due to costs (new mum just returned back to work last month from mat leave)

So was a bit shocked to be asked about paying for our dresses and hair to be done. I said I’d do my own make up. I really don’t want to let friend down but I don’t have a spare £150-200 for dress and hair. I’m happy to do my make up and buy a pair of shoes. Just don’t want to look like a bad friend.

AIBU - bridesmaid should pay
YANBU - bride pays

OP posts:
cherish123 · 29/01/2025 19:17

If she wants you to wear a specific dress, she has to pay. If it's a free choice, you pay. Hair and make up - you could probably do that yourself. If she wants you to have a bouquet, she should pay.

catlover123456789 · 29/01/2025 19:27

The bride should chose 2 or 3 bridesmaids and pay for their dress, hair, makeup. Other people can have roles in the wedding like doing a reading.

LoveHearts69 · 29/01/2025 20:06

Runrabbit123 · 28/01/2025 16:43

I think this is OK. Most people would either have a blue dress in waldrobe or charity shop / Vinted one.

Bride wants a specific £115 dress and has asked us to wear nude heels. Wants a specific hair do that I couldn’t do myself.

We all are expected to be there at 5am on the day too probably due to 8 of us getting ready plus mother of bride so had to book a 2 night stay in hotel that cost £170 a night

Show quote history

This is so cheeky! She obviously wants lots of bridesmaids so she looks popular but doesn’t want to pay for them.

When I got married and every time I’ve been bridesmaid I’ve had everything paid for including the hotel the night before the wedding! The brides I was bridesmaid for paid for hair and make up but said to choose any hairstyle I want and so when I got married I did the same for my bridesmaids as I think that should more a nice treat so they feel special on the day too!

Deeperthantheocean · 29/01/2025 20:14

Yes tradition is bride pays, or whoever is paying for wedding. X

JayJayj · 29/01/2025 21:01

I Bought my own dress when my sister got married. It was only because they were doing it on a budget and couldn’t afford to pay for bridesmaids dresses. Me and my audited said if she wanted us as bridesmaids we would pay for our dresses.I paid for my bridesmaids and my friend got married a couple of years ago and bought our dresses. I just bought shoes.

Vaxtable · 29/01/2025 21:04

This is the Uk not the USA. Bride pays

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/01/2025 21:05

BarbaraHoward · 28/01/2025 14:23

I think the waters are muddying on this one.

Traditionally in the UK and Ireland the bride paid, but in the US the bridesmaids pay. The internet means the cultures are converging somewhat (lots of weddings websites are American) and I suspect it will become more common for bridesmaids here to pay.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to send her a very nice message saying that you're so excited but that you misunderstood and you just can't afford it. No hard feelings at all, can't wait for the big day etc etc etc.

Like so many trends, this trend needs to go back to the US and stay there.

DiduAye · 29/01/2025 21:06

I had 3 bridesmaids and paid for their dress shoes handbag jewellery etc Would never have occurred to me not to !

RazzzzzzzzzlllllllleDaaazzzzllle · 29/01/2025 21:12

I would suggest she pays for the dresses, especially if she wants a specific one.

It's unreasonable for her to be expected to pay for hair and makeup - UNLESS of course she wants something specific that you're unable to do yourself. In which case of course she should pay for that too.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/01/2025 21:17

Bride wants a specific 'look' eg dress, hairdo, she pays

Bride says wear what you want, Bride doesn't pay

Bride has requirements but keeps them loose e.g. Wear something in a common colour like 'any shade of blue' or 'pastel' then probably somewhere in the middle.

If bridesmaids want something very specific then they should pay or contribute

Londonrach1 · 29/01/2025 21:19

Of course the bride pays. I never heard of anything else apart from in mumsnet. I. Real life the bride pays. Yanbu. If the bride doesn't do be a bridesmaid.

DanceMumTaxi · 29/01/2025 21:23

Bride should pay. I paid for dresses, flowers, hair. Bridesmaids paid for their own makeup but that was their choice, they could have done their own and I wouldn’t have minded one bit.

WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 29/01/2025 21:28

I think anything the bride specifically wants she should pay for. Including dresses. I paid for everyone’s dresses. I also paid for hair and makeup as I wanted everyone to look similarly done up for photos etc but gave people the option not to if that made them uncomfortable. I told people to wear whatever shoes they felt comfortable in as I wasn’t fussed. so some chose to treat themselves and some chose to wear shoes they already had.

pollymere · 29/01/2025 23:50

My bridesmaids did their own hair and makeup. I think they bought the shoes which were really inexpensive so they offered. I bought the dresses although I deliberately chose ones they could, and did, wear again. I bought evening dresses rather than bridesmaids ones as they were a sixth of the price!

It's a US thing to expect bridesmaids to pay for everything. If you want to have seven of them you need to pay for it not expect them to pay for the honour!

I've been to weddings where my overnight accommodation was also paid for. Now that's truly special!

daleylama · 30/01/2025 01:32

tropicalroses · 28/01/2025 14:31

Wedding parties are so big now its ridiculous. I think when people were having one or two it was fine for the bride to pay, but there seems to be this fashion now to have a whole entourage around you, which then makes its it an astronomical cost to clothe them all

But then the size of the party is determined by the bride. Cut cloth according to your means

MoonWoman69 · 30/01/2025 07:39

I've been a bridesmaid twice since I've been married (I didn't have bridesmaids myself).
Both times the dress was bought for me, the first time, hair and makeup was also paid, the second time we did our own. Shoes were of our choosing.
I've never known a bridesmaid in the UK be asked to pay for their own dress!
If she's having 7 of them, that sounds like a big wedding to me and I can't see that there won't be a rigid theme to follow! She's hardly likely to just say "this is the shade of pink" and leave the bridesmaids to it! That would all be a bit haphazard. You'd end up with "fluffy" dresses, plain dresses, short, long, sleeveless, sleeves. That would look messy!
I think I'd politely decline, say that since you agreed your circumstances have changed and you can't afford to pay out for a dress you'll probably only wear once.

TheOccupier · 30/01/2025 07:44

Runrabbit123 · 28/01/2025 19:01

I spoke to bride on way home from work, I called her and reminded her of the reason i couldn’t do the long weekend hen party and could only do 1 day due to money so I said I’d be happy to purchase a dress of around £25-35 which is what I’d spend on a guest dress but couldn’t do £115. I said I’ve already got some nude heels and will do my own make up but hair I’d have to think about depending on costs. Have now found out there’s 9 bridemaids not 7. Think her DP put the pressure on and said “you need to have my cousins as we’re close and to ensure 9 bridemaids aren’t too expensive we can ask them to buy their own dress”
Anyway bride is now going to have to rethink her options and said she might just do any colour or find a cheaper dress.

Show quote history

NINE bridesmaids? It will look like a photoshoot for OK magazine. Is she marrying afootballer? Steer clear of this tack fest even if you win the lottery, I would.

noodlebugz · 30/01/2025 09:18

She should have the number of bridesmaids she can afford. My little sister did this - had an excessive number of bridesmaids and made
us pay for our dresses 🤮 No just don’t do it!

Wexone · 30/01/2025 12:23

noodlebugz · 30/01/2025 09:18

She should have the number of bridesmaids she can afford. My little sister did this - had an excessive number of bridesmaids and made
us pay for our dresses 🤮 No just don’t do it!

i hope you weren't one of them and also told your sis this was so wrong

noodlebugz · 30/01/2025 13:30

@Wexone I said I’d rather not and that really didn’t she feel 10 bridesmaids was too many. It’s not really an honour when there’s that many. That my other sister and I would rather not and just enjoy her day. She is known for spectacular tantrums so I did to keep the peace and keep wider family out of it. We aren’t close now, and weren’t then - and I just don’t get it! Still don’t.

Wexone · 30/01/2025 13:37

noodlebugz · 30/01/2025 13:30

@Wexone I said I’d rather not and that really didn’t she feel 10 bridesmaids was too many. It’s not really an honour when there’s that many. That my other sister and I would rather not and just enjoy her day. She is known for spectacular tantrums so I did to keep the peace and keep wider family out of it. We aren’t close now, and weren’t then - and I just don’t get it! Still don’t.

I get ya. your right smaller is more special

CandidRaven · 30/01/2025 13:47

I feel like the bride should pay for it if she wants things done a certain way for her wedding, and if she can't afford it maybe just let bridesmaids do their own hair and makeup and pay just for her own to be done but if she wants you all in certain dresses that are unlikely going to be used again she should budget for that and pay for it, for my wedding I just had my children and my neice as bridesmaids so obviously just bought them all matching dresses myself and my brothers girlfriend did my hair as a wedding present (she's a hairdresser) so that was sorted and I just did my own makeup on the day

CuriousNeuron · 30/01/2025 16:09

Am finding this discussion very helpful as I’m in the same dilemma and don’t know what to say/do next! My brothers wedding is costing us a small fortune (est.£1.8k all in) due to where it is (to save them a couple of thousand it is literally costing their guests tens of thousands cumulatively to attend and our parents might not even be able to attend due to their declining health). It’s on a bank holiday and not somewhere we can easily ‘make’ a holiday out of either.
My daughters have been asked to be flower girls, obviously they’re very excited. I posed a question about dresses the other day as heard nothing and was met with a response of ‘I don’t mind when you buy them’. They’ll just be a generic white floaty dress with maybe a colour ribbon, but they’re toddler/preschoolers, you can’t reuse a white dress! I haven’t replied yet as I was a bit shocked on the assumption. I may have offered towards it anyway but I feel a bit affronted, and add in shoes, cardigan and hair bow etc and it’s easily going to be £200 for two children’s outfits. I begrudge it in all honesty.

I also don’t know if the grown up bridesmaids are being asked to pay for their dresses or not. We are financially ok thankfully, but obviously have lots of outgoings with a young family and I wonder if they’ve just assumed we can afford it as we’re better off than them - but we are 7/8 years older too! Attending their weekend wedding is the same cost as a family holiday! So even with us being ok money wise, this won’t come without its sacrifices on what we can’t spend our money on as a result.

I had 4 bridesmaids, 3 flower girls and paid for all dresses and even shoes for the little ones.
I’ve been bridesmaid three times - once was a ‘wear whatever floaty dress you like with bare feet or sandals’ where we paid and was made clear, and the other two the dresses were traditional in the sense that it matched the colour theme and I wouldn’t rewear them, so the bride paid but I got my own shoes.

Don’t even get me started on the stag and hen do me and my DH have been invited to!

So OP, no - you are not being unreasonable. The bride should pay or have made it clear at the outset and had that discussion with you all.

Now… I’m off to try and find the right words to say to my brother without becoming the family pariah!

RampantIvy · 30/01/2025 17:21

Don’t even get me started on the stag and hen do me and my DH have been invited to!

"Sorry, we can't afford to come to your expensive abroad wedding and attend the stag and hen dos as well" should suffice.

Edited to add that people like your brother and SIL to be get away with unreasonable demands because people don't kick back.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 30/01/2025 17:28

Fine for the bride not to pay if she's happy for you to wear a nice dress and shoes you already own, and to do your own hair and makeup. If she wants things her own way then she ought to pay for them.