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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should pay - bride or bridemaid?

284 replies

Runrabbit123 · 28/01/2025 14:21

Just want to see if the way I’m feeling is fair or not.

Friend has asked 7 of us to be bridesmaids for her in June.

Now for some reason I always thought it was the done thing for the bride to pay for bridemaid dresses, hair, make up and bouquet. Which is what I did for my bridesmaids 6 years. Especially as let’s be honest most bridesmaid dresses you couldn’t wear again.

Friend asked us to be bridemaids last year which I agreed too. We’ve just booked the hen, I could only attend one day of the weekend due to costs (new mum just returned back to work last month from mat leave)

So was a bit shocked to be asked about paying for our dresses and hair to be done. I said I’d do my own make up. I really don’t want to let friend down but I don’t have a spare £150-200 for dress and hair. I’m happy to do my make up and buy a pair of shoes. Just don’t want to look like a bad friend.

AIBU - bridesmaid should pay
YANBU - bride pays

OP posts:
OptimisticRealist2024 · 28/01/2025 15:22

@Runrabbit123 If she wants you dressed a certain way, she should be paying for it. You aren't a bad friend for this, honestly.

I was a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding and my SIL asked if bridesmaids could all wear something teal (with our own hair, makeup, accessories). Only stipulation being that they were a similar shade so she'd like to see a photo before we committed, because there are loads of shades of teal. It came out of my own pocket, but meant I could spend £20 or £200 on something I knew I'd definitely wear again. I didn't mind; I'd have bought something new/new-ish to wear to the wedding anyway. And she definitely paid for the flowers. (Paying for your own bouquet is mad to me - they're definitely ALWAYS paid for by the bride at every wedding I've ever been to.)

Could you gently tell your friend you can't afford it, but know that the colour/style is important to her and if you and the other bridesmaids could get your own?

If she's a real friend, she wouldn't care. The important thing is that you're beside her on the day. I didn't give a shit what my friends wore to my wedding, I just wanted them to be comfy and involved. They looked beautiful anyway and made the effort, but the day is so much more than the photos.

Delphinium20 · 28/01/2025 15:23

I'm an American and I'd say it used to be about 50/50 bridesmaids would pay for their own hair/makeup and dress. As a bride, I paid all for my bridesmaids. I was in 4 weddings where we all did our own hair and makeup and bride paid for dresses, one where the bride paid for professional stylists and dresses, but we did our own makeup, and one where we paid for dresses but did own hair/makeup. Only one wedding I was in was I expected to pay for everything: professional hair/makeup both in a practice run and for the day and my own very expensive dress/shoes/etc. Guess who I'm no longer close friends with? She was one of those people who was tight with her own money but spent ours with abandon. So, I'm not sure where this 'bridesmaid pays all' came from in America? It was annoying to us just 20 some years ago.

whiteroseredrose · 28/01/2025 15:23

When I was a bridesmaid the bride paid for everything except shoes. Never occurred to us to have hair and makeup done.

Same when I got married. I paid for dresses, shoes and flowers.

lazyarse123 · 28/01/2025 15:23

When my dd friend got married her bridesmaids paid for their own dresses bride just asked them to get dark blue but none of them are showy people. And because they are all different sizes they looked cohesive but beautiful.

MumblesParty · 28/01/2025 15:24

TheAphrodite · 28/01/2025 14:28

Hmm it's a tough one, could you find a nice dress that you could possibly wear again but on vinted? there's all types of bargains on there. (also know people may not like Shein - but they have some beautiful formal wear dresses very cheap) xx

@TheAphrodite I thought bridesmaids all had to wear the same dress.

Sunbeam01 · 28/01/2025 15:25

I paid for everything for each of my bridesmaids.

*exception of shoes.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 28/01/2025 15:26

The bride pays. Presumably she will want a certain style and colour? Ridiculous if she does and expects you to foot the bill. The only way I'd agree is if she'd be happy for me to wear what I'd be wearing anyway. Otherwise she can go whistle.

BatchCookBabe · 28/01/2025 15:26

YANBU. Of course the bride should pay! I can't believe the cheekyfuckery of the bride (and groom presumably!) ! I would be saying 'I can't afford it sorry, so I will have to stand down as bridesmaid.'

Juliagreeneyes · 28/01/2025 15:27

As I understand it, in the U.K. traditionally the bride pays; in the US traditionally the bridesmaid pays. Which is why they often have lots of bridesmaids in the US, and there’s more of a trend of the bride choosing a colour and the bridesmaids choosing their own style of dress. In the U.K. traditionally the bride doesn’t have many bridesmaids, and she chooses, pays for and provides the exact dresses she wants them to wear.

Your friend has probably been hanging out on too many US wedding forums, OP, or on wedding TikTok dominated by Americans.

ThejoyofNC · 28/01/2025 15:27

Yet another bride who wants a big do, but can't/won't pay for it.

I'd put money on a pretty little poem on the invitations asking for cash.

EerieSalamander · 28/01/2025 15:29

When I got married I paid for my bridesmaids dresses and they wore their own shoes and did their own hair and makeup.

But when one friend got married she asked me if I could buy my dress as she was on a limited budget I did and she paid for my hair. The other friend I was bridesmaid for did the same as me and paid for just the dress.

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules anymore.

MeridianB · 28/01/2025 15:29

EvieMcSpeedy · 28/01/2025 14:22

The bride should definitely pay. To be honest, they shouldn’t have bridesmaids if they can’t afford to pay for them.

This. Brides who pass on costs to their bridesmaids are sending the message that it’s all about appearances and photos and nothing to do with real friendship.

Snowy7 · 28/01/2025 15:29

Of course the bride pays. Was always like that. I would just pull out of BM duties. Tell her you don't expect to fund that bill and it's too £££ and that you will just be a regular guest as you don't want to miss the wedding.

MissConductUS · 28/01/2025 15:29

BarbaraHoward · 28/01/2025 14:23

I think the waters are muddying on this one.

Traditionally in the UK and Ireland the bride paid, but in the US the bridesmaids pay. The internet means the cultures are converging somewhat (lots of weddings websites are American) and I suspect it will become more common for bridesmaids here to pay.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to send her a very nice message saying that you're so excited but that you misunderstood and you just can't afford it. No hard feelings at all, can't wait for the big day etc etc etc.

I'm an American, living in the U.S. My daughter got married in New York last year.

It would be considered very grabby in the U.S. for the bride to expect the bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, hair, and makeup.

anon4net · 28/01/2025 15:32

I would never expect someone to spend their money on a dress I want, getting to a place I want or having their hair/make up done for my occasion. It's the bride/groom's special day and the idea that someone has hundreds to spend on your terms just seems crass and unfair to me. I've always cut my cloth accordingly so a low budget wedding = 1 bridesmaid.

I once pulled out of a wedding on the grounds that it was a flight away, everyone had to pay for their own dress/make up/hair and accommodation if needed. And....bridesmaids weren't invited to the reception - it was family only to keep costs low. About twenty people - siblings, their partners, parents, grandparents, uncle on one side and not the other. Unsurprisingly it actually caused a fall out (not me, I just politely declined) between friends as well as the other uncle and his family (a wife and teen).

The couple (mid 20's) left their wedding and moved into a 3 bed detached home in an expensive city they put a 50% deposit down on and bought themselves a new Lexus. Not enough money wasn't the issue, they didn't want to spend £30/head (was a local very typical restaurant - that covered a set menu and tip) to cover 3 non-family bridesmaids who have spent hundreds if not thousands to be there, an uncle/aunt and 1 cousin. For the cost of £150 (5 extra people) they could have saved a lot of really hurt feelings.

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2025 15:32

BarbaraHoward · 28/01/2025 14:23

I think the waters are muddying on this one.

Traditionally in the UK and Ireland the bride paid, but in the US the bridesmaids pay. The internet means the cultures are converging somewhat (lots of weddings websites are American) and I suspect it will become more common for bridesmaids here to pay.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to send her a very nice message saying that you're so excited but that you misunderstood and you just can't afford it. No hard feelings at all, can't wait for the big day etc etc etc.

And it's the norm to have loads of bridesmaids and 'groomsmen'

I'd do a polite refusal.

It's too much. The most you should possibly pay for are your shoes

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2025 15:34

MissConductUS · 28/01/2025 15:29

I'm an American, living in the U.S. My daughter got married in New York last year.

It would be considered very grabby in the U.S. for the bride to expect the bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, hair, and makeup.

Show quote history

But if you watch Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids(former guilty pleasure) that was exactly what was expected

heroinechic · 28/01/2025 15:36

I've been a bridesmaid three times and each time I've paid for my own dress.

When I got married we paid for the bridesmaid dresses because we could afford to and the cost was small in comparison so the overall cost of the wedding.

They chose their own dresses but I did give them a colour and they had to be floor length.

I didn't pay for hair and make up because I didn't care whether they had it or not (I did my own) so basically said I was happy for them to arrange it if they wanted to. We didn't all get ready together the morning of the wedding.

Muthaofcats · 28/01/2025 15:38

I would feel supremely uncomfortable expecting my friends to foot the bill for any aspect of an event I was throwing / for me. If you’re hosting a wedding then you pay for it. Your guests and bridesmaids are already taking time out to attend/ travel / pay for accommodation. It’s extremely cheeky to expect them to pay for a dress and make up that you are asking them to have. If a bride doesn’t want to pay then she should let her BMs wear whatever they like.
I would feel equally gross about expecting them to all pay a fortune for a hen do too. I’m amazed at the entitlement of some getting married. It ruins so many friendships and causes such resentment. What’s the point in all that stress over something that’s supposed to be happy?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/01/2025 15:38

Who on earth needs 7 bridesmaids anyway? Sounds very bridezilla-ish to me.

Whatsitreallylike · 28/01/2025 15:39

If your paying then you choose the dress. All Bridesmaids agree on shade / colour, general style of gown… but you choose what you actually buy. That way you don’t have to pay £200 for a dress from dressmakers and can Instead opt for something cheaper.

Bride pays hair and makeup unless she’s happy for you to style yourself.

timetobegin · 28/01/2025 15:40

Just mail her and say you didn’t realise you’d need to buy the dress and really can’t afford it. Say you’ll call her tomorrow but you are happy to just come as a guest if that’s ok with her.

Then she has time to think about it and not be upset.

Kbroughton · 28/01/2025 15:43

I paid for the dress for my one bridesmaid and two flower girls, and shoes and baskets for the flower girls. I didnt pay for hair and makeup. But then I didnt have my hair and makeup done professionally either! I did it myself.

JessiesJ99 · 28/01/2025 15:43

I hate this shit! If it's your wedding then you pay. If you can't afford to pay then don't have a big wedding with 7 bridesmaids! It's embarrassing tbh 🙄

DaisyChain505 · 28/01/2025 15:43

My bridesmaid purchased their dresses however I let them have free rein on what they purchased, they just had a colour scheme to stick to.

Make up and hair was optional but they would have been paying for themselves.

Our wedding was low key and relaxed and if I had paid for all of the dresses, make up and hair etc it would have added over £1000 to our very small budget.