Who should pay - bride or bridemaid?

[Runrabbit123]

Just want to see if the way I’m feeling is fair or not.

Friend has asked 7 of us to be bridesmaids for her in June.

Now for some reason I always thought it was the done thing for the bride to pay for bridemaid dresses, hair, make up and bouquet. Which is what I did for my bridesmaids 6 years. Especially as let’s be honest most bridesmaid dresses you couldn’t wear again.

Friend asked us to be bridemaids last year which I agreed too. We’ve just booked the hen, I could only attend one day of the weekend due to costs (new mum just returned back to work last month from mat leave)

So was a bit shocked to be asked about paying for our dresses and hair to be done. I said I’d do my own make up. I really don’t want to let friend down but I don’t have a spare £150-200 for dress and hair. I’m happy to do my make up and buy a pair of shoes. Just don’t want to look like a bad friend.

AIBU - bridesmaid should pay
YANBU - bride pays

I mean off topic but why do royals barely ever have bridesmaids. I didn’t realise bridesmaids was big in the UK because of this. They have a maximum of one and even then it’s the MOH.

The Internet is definitely responsible here for the confusion as it has been pointed out, the idea that bridesmaids pay comes from the US.

I hadca wear any dress option and paid for accommodation. I can't imagine asking bridesmaids to pay for a dress but neither would I expect them to attend a hen do unless it was for free.

The bride should pay for anything they want a say in. If they want you in a specific dress / shoes / bouquet, they pay. If they want you to have professional grade make up and hair, they pay.

If they're just asking you to wear a dress you own and love, and wear your hair and make up however you normally would for any event, then I can see why they wouldn't then be expected to pay.

But I assume someone who is having 7 BMs likely is very into the aesthetic, and as such, they should pay for it.

She should have made it clear as part of the deal.

On this topic, I don’t know what to think, I’d think my friend was a bit cheap. It annoys me people that want everything - they want the big, perfect wedding even when they can’t afford it. I think it depends on the prices of the dresses. If the total cost came to say 200 pounds I’d pay it but I’d only give a token gift and something small and sentimental with a beautiful written card. It really depends on your income, what you can afford and how much you valued being her BM. If this is a ‘dime a dozen’ BM experience then rethink it.

The bride should pay.

Just tell her you can't afford it. If the money doesn't exist, it doesn't exist.m

The bride pays. If the bride can't afford to pay multiple times, they should have fewer bridesmaids.

Yeah in America traditionally the bridesmaids pay for themselves but the tradition in America is that the wedding host/s pays for the guests drinks. The idea of a 'cash bar' is appalling to some. As tacky as things like a 'dollar dance' or a 'garter toss'.

That's the problem with a melting pot of traditions. You pick and choose which ones suit you and which don't. In the original culture things might even out but this tends to get lost along the way.

It should not put you out of pocket to be a bridesmaid for someone. At the very least she should pay for your dress and hair.

People lose track of how much time, effort and money weddings can cost just for general guests - gift, transport, outfit, childcare. Add professional hair and a fancy dress to that and you're talking hundreds. It's a cheek.

I'd tell her I'd pay on the proviso I can choose my own dress. But let me guess, it's her wedding so her choice?

Just say no.

The bride is a cf, and we are seeing this a lot, the wedding costs becoming the bill of the invited guests. Everything from the expensive rooms paid for by guests, usually with no choice, subsidise the bride and groom’s honeymoon suite - and function rooms. Very little food being served, drinks are paid for by the guests at a bar. Weddings on random days so people have to use their annual leave. Whole day weddings with one meal. The list just goes on and on. It’s getting worse.

I think that’s another thing - you’re one of 7 - no offence but it’s not like it’s this tremendous honour & then you pay for yourself. I think she should have picked her 2 best friends and paid for them.

Is she allowing you to pick any dress to wear on the day? Even in a colour scheme you might be allowed to wear any dress but if she isn't, then I'd recuse myself from being a bridesmaid and also from the hen. It's not worth the hassle.

Just say no. Bloody cheeky.

I think the bride should pay generally. I wouldn't ask people to be bridesmaids and then ask them to pay for their dresses. There's enough costs associated with being in/attending a wedding anyway.
I wouldn't expect my bridesmaids to wear specific shoes - again if the bride does, I believe they should pay.
Same with hair & makeup, if bride is happy for bridesmaids to do their own then that should be an option so that they can save money. I've been involved in weddings where bridesmaids are offered the option to have their hair and makeup done at an 'add on' kind of cost but no problem to turn down if they don't want to pay for it.
If bride wants everyone to have the same hair/makeup for photos then they should pay for the cost of that.

FWIW I was only planning to have my sister as bridesmaid because I couldn't afford to pay for the dresses for all my friends that I would have wanted - when I explained to them that I would have loved to have them but we were on a terribly tight budget and we couldn't afford it, they all offered to pay for their own dresses, I let them choose together whatever they wanted and it was really nice to have them so I'm grateful that they wanted to be involved to that extent.

The bride should pay for all of the bridesmaids' dresses and then they're hers to sell afterwards. She should also pay for their shoes or let them wear their own.

The bride should pay for all bouquets.

Bridesmaids can do their own hair/make-up or pay a professional themselves if the bride doesn't offer it.

If a bride can't afford to pay for seven dresses and bouquets then she shouldn't have seven bridesmaids! Is it all for Instagram?

Frankly it’s tacky. Don’t ask 7 people to be a bridesmaid if you can’t pay for it. Ask one best friend or a sister and leave it be.

i had several bridesmaids, paid for hair makeup a bag dress a gift and transport

FFS, who has 7 bridesmaids? I agree with everyone else - bride pays for dresses etc, so if she can only afford to pay for 1 or 2, then that's the number she has.

Might be worth ducking out of this one, coz this wedding could end up being incredibly stressful!

The bride should pay.

If there is a deviation for that then it should be mentioned when asking the person to be a BM. Not hooking them in and then landing the costs on them

The bride should pay for anything she requests. If she is happy for you to do your own hair and make-up and wants no particular style, that's fine, if now then she should pay.

I even think the bride should pay for shoes unless you can wear a pair you already have or it is an everyday neutral like black, not a random colour to match the dress.

Bride pays. No question. Why should you pay for someone else's wedding vision? If she can't afford it she shouldn't do it. By the time you have paid for travel, accommodation, drinks, a gift you have already spent a substantial amount to celebrate with them.

This was how I felt when I got married nearly 30 years ago. I had two grownup bridesmaids. My late dad and stepmum gave us some money as their contribution to the wedding which covered all of the bridal outfits and accessories including our bouquets (as I say, it was 30 years ago!). My bridesmaids were free to do their hair and makeup as they wished.

In the UK traditionally the bride pays for the bridesmaids . Bridesmaids paying is probably another thing being imported from the USA . Sounds like this bride has been watching Say yes to the dress USA where everyone has at least 6 bridesmaids / groomsmen .

I was a bridesmaid for my friend, we were expected to buy our dresses, shoes and pay for our own hair/make up. She sent us all a picture of the dress and then after half had purchased it turned out they didn't go above a size 18 so two of the bridesmaids had to buy two dresses and pay themselves for them to be altered. They were the ugliest dresses on earth and only looked good on one girl who had ordered a size up. She shares an anniversary photo every year and I still think the photo is awful, we aren't friends any more and given other behaviour I wonder if she wanted us looking dreadful so all the attention was on her.

Bride should definitely pay.

American here. In the US the bridesmaids typically pay for everything - dress, shoes, Bachelorette party (Hen do), and typically also throw a bridal shower and pay for that too. Its quite expensive - easily $1000 per wedding. And its ridiculous. Some brides will pay for some of these things, but traditionally it was on the maids to pay, which didnt stop brides from being angry/hurt/shocked when a friend kindly declined due to the cost. I am sorry to see this mode has now jumped the ocean to here because it is very much over the top. I think SM has only contributed to the hysteria.