Who should pay - bride or bridemaid?

[Runrabbit123]

Just want to see if the way I’m feeling is fair or not.

Friend has asked 7 of us to be bridesmaids for her in June.

Now for some reason I always thought it was the done thing for the bride to pay for bridemaid dresses, hair, make up and bouquet. Which is what I did for my bridesmaids 6 years. Especially as let’s be honest most bridesmaid dresses you couldn’t wear again.

Friend asked us to be bridemaids last year which I agreed too. We’ve just booked the hen, I could only attend one day of the weekend due to costs (new mum just returned back to work last month from mat leave)

So was a bit shocked to be asked about paying for our dresses and hair to be done. I said I’d do my own make up. I really don’t want to let friend down but I don’t have a spare £150-200 for dress and hair. I’m happy to do my make up and buy a pair of shoes. Just don’t want to look like a bad friend.

AIBU - bridesmaid should pay
YANBU - bride pays

Bride pays if she is dictating what she wants.

I told my bridesmaids that they could do their own hair and makeup however they liked. They could use my hairdresser but I expected them to pay if they did as was optional. Only one of them did.

I also said they could wear any dress they already owned if it was blue. Two already had beautiful suitable dresses. The other two didn't so we agreed on dresses together and I paid.

Really?!?! I don't think I know anyone who would think this! Bridesmaids are free, anyone can include their friends, they don't have to dictate matching expensive dresses. Can't afford to buy the dresses but want to include people? Embrace the mismatched look and let your bridesmaids wear dresses they already own!

In the UK the bride should pay. I paid for my two bridesmaids dress, shoes, hair etc. If the bride can't afford it then have one or two bridesmaids instead. Or at the very very least when the bride asks you to be bridesmaid they ask first if you are happy to pay for your dress, hair etc. The whole wedding, hen parties etc are getting so expensive and out of hand.

I paid for dresses (£200pp) and hair accessories. I told everyone to do what they want with their shoes, makeup and hair. It genuinely made no difference to me if someone had no make up on or etc. I also wanted people to wear shoes they would wear again, and have a hair style they're comfortable with. I think if you expect people to have a specific look, you should pay.

I also bought flowers. My hen do was nothing mad. Just went for some food and had a very unclassy night out in Sheffield at Corp and Dempsey's 🤷🤣 I think if you're expecting a weekend away, you should pay for the accommodation.

My DDinlaw got married in the summer and said wear any old blue dress of your own that you fancy to the bridesmaids, all looked lovely, no-one grumbled. Whole wedding was similarly cheap and cheerful (and now they're having a new kitchen).

Bride should pay for at least the dress. I have been a bridesmaid twice- first time bride paid for everything, second time bride paid for dress, and half the cost of the shoes (I did my own hair and make up).

7 is a lot of bridesmaids!

Bride should pay for dresses at bare minimum... if the can't 'afford' it then its too expensive and they shouldn't expect others to pay.

Other things I think depend, if she dictates specific things she should pay but if not then it on the bridesmaids to pay.

I paid for the dress, shoes, jewellery, flowers of my bridesmaid but they did their own hair and make up how they wanted as I think thats just optional extras.

I do know sometimes with say long dresses some brides just say wear a pair of your own shoes you already own because they wont be seen etc... and thats probably fine.

Bride should absolutely pay. It’s so entitled to expect people to shell out for the ‘honour’ of being in the wedding party. Weddings and hen dos are expensive enough already.

When I got married I paid for my adult bridesmaid dress but my two "little" bridesmaids' dresses were paid for by my aunt and my parents in law. To be honest they were off the shelf dresses in BHS, so not very expensive but it was nice of them to pay.

My adult bridesmaid's dress came from a department store on Oxford St and cost more than my dress did. I got mine from a lady who operated a wedding dress business from her house so it wasn't very expensive.

As I posted earlier, this is not customary in the U.S., as I have seen in my recent experience.

@tropicalroses agreed, it's crazy how big some wedding parties are these days. Someone I know got married last summer, she had 15 bridesmaids and he had 3 best men.

The bride wants 7 bridesmaids the bride should pay for them, I mean how rude!! If you can't afford to get married then don't do it.

Bride/Groom should pay, absolutely. Although I am seeing more and more couples insisting on the big white wedding and expecting everybody else to foot the bill for many aspects of it. She needs to cut down on bridesmaids if it’s not within the budget to pay for you all.

What a strange dilemma! Who is asking for this? The bride is asking. The bride should pay, obviously.

I think this is OK. Most people would either have a blue dress in waldrobe or charity shop / Vinted one.

Bride wants a specific £115 dress and has asked us to wear nude heels. Wants a specific hair do that I couldn’t do myself.

We all are expected to be there at 5am on the day too probably due to 8 of us getting ready plus mother of bride so had to book a 2 night stay in hotel that cost £170 a night

Bride and groom should pay for that sort of thing. Can't afford to buy that many dresses / hair / MUA then don't have that many bridesmaids!

Seven bridesmaids is ridiculous.

If the bride chooses the dresses then she pays. The only exception would be if you had a very relaxed bride who was happy for you to choose your own dress or wear one that you already owned.

Yes the bride pays at least for the dress and hair, flowers etc. I think it could be reasonable to just get your own shoes if she doesn't mind you not all having matching ones. I was recently a bridesmaid and the bride even paid for my dress alterations too.

Resign now and say you'd prefer to attend the wedding as a guest. Get in quick before the others do it first!

Bride should pay. Having lots of bridesmaids is naff, sorry (but not your issue of course OP). If anyone struggles with choosing bridesmaid go for just 1 best woman instead.

honestly who can be bothered with all that shit AND having to pay for it?

I paid for dresses.

But shoes, hair/make-up was their choice.

That said, other than the shoes I didn't specify. The shoes were just e.g silver. Couldn't have given a stuff if they were primark or Jimmy choos - entirely their choice.

For hair/make up - I simply said - the hairdresser and make up artist will be coming at X time. If you want your hair/make up done it will be £X amount.

It was very reasonably priced so they all jumped for it and said yes.

But had they done their own hair/make up - that would have been completely fine. I did my own make up and hair for one of my bridesmaids weddings.

I trust my friends - had they gone for a £6 pair of strappy sandals from Primark and done their own hair and make up - I know they would have done a good job (been on enough nights out with them to know).

But I do think it also boils down to what you know of your friends. One of my bridesmaids got married abroad, so I had to pay flights - she was hardly going to get on a tizz about shoes.

My other bridesmaid had an away hen do - so again she wasn't going to complain about buying shoes.

Equally at the time we were getting married we were all at similar stages in life. If I had a friend who was particularly struggling, I would have just bought her some shoes.

Bridesmaid are meant to be your nearest and dearest closest friends. It's surprising these things come up. Surely you all just love each other, play fair and everyone just wants to be involved and get onboard.

If not - can you honestly say you're that close? And if not - why even be a bridesmaid?

In my book the bride should always pay, and if she doesn't then allow the bridesmaids a bit more free choice over what they wear, or pick something cheap.
I don't know how good a friend she is - I guess you're in her top 8 - but I would private message her and say you need to drop put because of cost. Hopefully then you will only need a hotel room for one night.
There is a high chance she will react badly but tbh she is being a right cheapskate. Can't believe you're expected to pay for your own bouquet!

If the bride is happy for the bridesmaids to get any dress/accessories within a vague colour scheme, the bridesmaids pay, otherwise the bride pays.

I've been bridesmaid as an adult for 2 friends and they both paid for clothes and shoes. For the second one we all did our own hair and make up but for the first it was all paid for. All bridesmaids had to wear specific dresses and shoes, none of which would realistically be worn again.

I have known people have to buy their own bridesmaid outfits but they have always been cases where they are given a colour scheme and told they can choose their own dress. This means they can find something they like and can wear again, and stick with a price bracket that suits them. This seems fair enough as most people I know buy a new outfit for a wedding anyway, so they are no worse off.

So, if you can choose your dress I'd say it's reasonable, but if you can't and are expected for fork out for an expensive outfit you'll never wear again then it's not reasonable and I'd very politely and diplomatically opt out of being a bridesmaid at that point.