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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DP is being selfish

307 replies

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:28

We've just moved home, I would like to get a couple of bits for the house, new rug, curtains etc, the bits I've picked doesn't amount to more than £200. I was about to buy and my DP insisted I wait until payday which is 2 weeks away, baring in mind he had just spend 400 on a new gaming set up and spends about 200 every 2 weeks on pints after work.
Aibu to think he's being selfish

OP posts:
MaryGreenhill · 28/01/2025 11:37

Yet another cocklodger Hmm

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 28/01/2025 11:37

Did you think a change of address would morph him into an adult?

HeronWing · 28/01/2025 11:44

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 28/01/2025 11:37

Did you think a change of address would morph him into an adult?

Oh, I misread your post as ‘DO you think a change of address would morph him into an adult?’ and was about to respond ‘Excellent idea, OP — kick him out!’

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 11:54

@RoastDinnerSmellsNice sorry, he's so we equally split the bills then keep our money each we don't add it together or anything that's why I originally never asked for shopping money for food because once I take shopping Money and he takes the money he sends for his DC the. We would have pretty much the same amount left over each of that makes sense.
Maybe I've been too nice

OP posts:
kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 11:56

BeRoseSloth · 28/01/2025 11:35

I think you’d only have to refuse to give him money when he runs out a couple of times before it dawns on him he can’t afford to spend so much on fun stuff.

But if we are a team and one how can I do that? Every-time I e tried tk speak about this before he gets grumpy and says it shouldn't be mine it should be ours

OP posts:
kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 11:57

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 28/01/2025 11:37

Did you think a change of address would morph him into an adult?

No of course not, never usually an issue as I don't let it bother me but it was just last night when he is trying to tell me to wait to spend my money I got annoyed knowing that's because he will be needing it

OP posts:
Billyblue47 · 28/01/2025 11:59

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 11:56

But if we are a team and one how can I do that? Every-time I e tried tk speak about this before he gets grumpy and says it shouldn't be mine it should be ours

It's not ours when he's pissing it up at the pub or wasting it on games or computer stuff. How much are you spending on booze? Are you playing the games? Is it his computer or your family computer? Do you get much down time to fuck about playing games?

PointySnoot · 28/01/2025 12:01

Fucking hell, what exactly is the point of him?

He contributes almost fuck all, you love on a strict and careful budget....so that you can bail him out at the end of the month. He feels absolutely entitled to tell you what he thinks you should spend YOUR money on. He's happy to waste money on gaming and booze, just about manages to pay CMS for his other child but won't pay for yours - yet he's a great Dad.

Raise your standards - why on earth are you settling for this lazy disrespectful man?

thepariscrimefiles · 28/01/2025 12:02

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 11:56

But if we are a team and one how can I do that? Every-time I e tried tk speak about this before he gets grumpy and says it shouldn't be mine it should be ours

Don't be ridiculous. You are not a team. He is only thinking about himself. How on earth is spending £400 on gaming equipment and £200 a week on beer and then asking you for more spending money, working as a team? He doesn't think your money should be yours or ours. He thinks that it should all be his.

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 12:02

@Billyblue47 no I haven't drank since before I was pregnant with DD, no I don't get time to play games I barely get time to eat my dinner and wash my hair

OP posts:
MrsJHernandez · 28/01/2025 12:04

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 11:56

But if we are a team and one how can I do that? Every-time I e tried tk speak about this before he gets grumpy and says it shouldn't be mine it should be ours

And there you are. He gets grumpy to guilt you into giving him money.

It's not "our" money when he's pissing away hundreds every month in the pub, is it? Your child is losing and missing out because he's a selfish twat.

HE'S USING YOU and doesn't particularly care about his kid, otherwise his money would be going towards him/her and your household. His alcohol is more important to him than you and DC.

Darkeststarwillshine · 28/01/2025 12:12

I used to be the sme as you, defending my ex husband, saying oh he is amazing he does loads around the house etc when in fact he did barely anything. Op your partner ought to budget better and not rely on you. So what if he has spent all his money, he should have been more responsible.

MagnoliaGirlie · 28/01/2025 12:12

Octopies · 27/01/2025 23:35

He spends £100 a week on beer then asks you to lend him money?! I'd buy the house stuff and tell him to live within his means.

I was about to say that. I might come across as judgemental but that's a huge amount (of money, and beer)!

Pickledpeanuts · 28/01/2025 12:14

Why are you accepting this? Why are you with this guy?

He "helps" more than you think most men would with your child? He's the parent, he's not "helping", he's doing the bare minimum and perhaps not even that.

He drinks daily, spends hundreds on gaming whilst your left budgeting strictly week to week and putting aside money to bail him out.

Objects to you buying things to make your daughters home more pleasant in case he drinks through his money that month.

Is it even worth asking if he does his equal share of cooking and cleaning?

Plaided · 28/01/2025 12:15

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:57

I mean he is a good father to our child, he helps me a lot more than I think most men would, it's not all bad

Wow what a low bar. Most men don’t ‘help’, they do an equal share. Do you count what you do as help or just stuff you have to do to be able to live a quality life?

Farmwifefarmlife · 28/01/2025 12:16

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

Well then he would have no money?

And that’s a him problem he needs to learn to budget better! I’d be having a serious chat about finances!

TheCatterall · 28/01/2025 12:16

@kiana2015 you are not a team.

a team player would not prioritise spending £400 on something for just him.

a team player would budget so both his children were catered to financially and that he paid an equal share of household costs and food before pissing it up down the pub or on himself.

A team player would not expect to be constantly bailed out as they had pissed away their months budget.

if it’s ’our’ money then he’s blowing the majority of your food budget every eeek in the pub. How much if your weekly food shop would that £60-100 cover?

he can’t have it both ways. Your money is ours but his money is his? Nahhhh. He’s taking the piss and you are letting him and enabling it.

Start putting our money in a savings account and tell him you can’t touch it. Stop bailing him out. His spending is making your budget be able to provide less for you and your daughter as you are picking up all the slack. If he was more responsible you could all have nicer experiences, a holiday, less scrimping and saving at Christmas..

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 12:17

Pickledpeanuts · 28/01/2025 12:14

Why are you accepting this? Why are you with this guy?

He "helps" more than you think most men would with your child? He's the parent, he's not "helping", he's doing the bare minimum and perhaps not even that.

He drinks daily, spends hundreds on gaming whilst your left budgeting strictly week to week and putting aside money to bail him out.

Objects to you buying things to make your daughters home more pleasant in case he drinks through his money that month.

Is it even worth asking if he does his equal share of cooking and cleaning?

No he doesn't clean, he will cook when he's not working

OP posts:
midgetastic · 28/01/2025 12:18

You are not a team
He isn't doing more than most men
You need to find a way to may the sums add up without him ( but with child maintenance )
You are worth more

Discombobble · 28/01/2025 12:18

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:31

Well I was going to use my money actually but I'm pretty sure the reason he's saying no is because he knows his money will run out and need me to bail him out like most other months

So don’t?

Gogogo12345 · 28/01/2025 12:20

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

Well then he would have no money?

And ? That would be his issue

MudpiesinEssex · 28/01/2025 12:23

Do you have the £200 for rug etc?

Dollshousedolly · 28/01/2025 12:23

You’re certainly are not a team. Ask yourself why when you both have equal spending money, he spends all of his and then comes after your spending money which you hand over to him ? How is that teamwork, respectful or fair??

I’d say go and buy the bits you want because if you don’t, it will be the same story next month and the next. Stop giving him your money, save some of your spending money and don’t tell him.

Ask him for a contribution to food and if he refuses, then do not buy snacks/food preferences that only he eats.

kiana2015 · 28/01/2025 12:24

MudpiesinEssex · 28/01/2025 12:23

Do you have the £200 for rug etc?

Yes, I have more than that because I budget my money so I don't run out

OP posts:
RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 28/01/2025 12:25

All credit to you for wanting to be a team OP, and that's the way it should be when you're a couple, whether married or not. However, you are being a team, by splitting the bills and paying half each for food, etc, but then any money left over, if you have roughly the same amount, should then be down to the two of you INDIVIDUALLY to decide how it's spent. He chooses to spend his on beer etc., and it's totally up to YOU how you spend yours. It's not down to YOU to bail him out because he's already spent his 'fun money', 'allowance', whatever you choose to call it. He knows how much he has, and should by now have learned that once it's gone, it's gone!!

I suggest that you sit down with him and tell him that you are happy to go halves on all bills, rent, food, holidays, and expenses for your JOINT child/children, then you both keep what you have left over, to spend as you wish, for stuff like clothing, socialising, etc. However, HE must pay for HIS child out of his share, as by you paying for all the food, and him paying for his child, you are effectively paying half towards HIS child with another woman, which I think most women would think was unfair. You may be a team OP, but HIS child by another mother is NOT your responsibility. After all, if the shoe was on the other foot, ie, you were paying your ex maintenance for a child you had with him, would your current partner be happy to feel he was paying half toward that? I very much doubt it, and if he were to tell you he would, he's lying!