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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being selfish

307 replies

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:28

We've just moved home, I would like to get a couple of bits for the house, new rug, curtains etc, the bits I've picked doesn't amount to more than £200. I was about to buy and my DP insisted I wait until payday which is 2 weeks away, baring in mind he had just spend 400 on a new gaming set up and spends about 200 every 2 weeks on pints after work.
Aibu to think he's being selfish

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/01/2025 23:44

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:34

It is a regular occurrence, every single month. Baring in mind I also buy everything for the house, our DD and food alone every month, meanwhile he gives his ex money regularly for their DC

Show quote history

Well of course he pays maintenance, as he should. Why are you bailing him out, subsidising his hobbies and funding joint expenditure yourself? Time to make him pull his weight and tell him he can stop dictating to you.

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:44

ElvenPowers · 27/01/2025 23:43

The only good thing this guy does is send his ex money for their child - but you seem equally as narked by that as you do him pissing away your money at the pub.

No of course I do think he should be sending her money for their child I would never ever say not to. I just think he should be providing for both of his children not just 1

OP posts:
username299 · 27/01/2025 23:44

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

@username299 because if it was up to him the home would have no decoration or anything he doesn't see the point to spend money on things like that

Does he normally tell you what to spend your money on? Does he ask your permission to spend his money? If not then I'm not sure what's going on. Sounds like he's dominating you. What would happen if you went ahead and bought the items?

ilovesooty · 27/01/2025 23:45

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

Well then he would have no money?

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Tough shit.

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:45

@livelovelough24 I posted as more of a rant really just to get it off my chest but I also thought maybe I was being abit dramatic to be annoyed so was curious to others opinions

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/01/2025 23:46

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:38

@HeronWing I think there's more to life than money

So what are his redeeming features then?

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 27/01/2025 23:47

OP, do you both work? Do you own your own house or do you rent? Can I ask how you divide your money between you, ie, do you put all of your joint earnings in a pot, to pay for food, bills, and rent/mortgage, and then divide up the rest, or do you do it some other way? If we had some answers to these questions, we may be able to advise you better, but in answer to your question, you are right, your DP is being VERY selfish!

ChimneyPot · 27/01/2025 23:48

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:44

No of course I do think he should be sending her money for their child I would never ever say not to. I just think he should be providing for both of his children not just 1

Show quote history

I think the only way he will do that is if you separate and he has to pay maintenance for your child too.

livelovelough24 · 27/01/2025 23:49

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:45

@livelovelough24 I posted as more of a rant really just to get it off my chest but I also thought maybe I was being abit dramatic to be annoyed so was curious to others opinions

You are not being dramatic. In my opinion this man is taking advantage of you.

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:50

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 27/01/2025 23:47

OP, do you both work? Do you own your own house or do you rent? Can I ask how you divide your money between you, ie, do you put all of your joint earnings in a pot, to pay for food, bills, and rent/mortgage, and then divide up the rest, or do you do it some other way? If we had some answers to these questions, we may be able to advise you better, but in answer to your question, you are right, your DP is being VERY selfish!

Yes we both work, we rent, we both earn pretty much the same depending on the month, we half bills such as rent, electric, etc. I buy all the food shopping as he sends money for his DC I thought that would be fair but now I'm thinking to start asking for money towards food

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 27/01/2025 23:50

I was about to buy and my DP insisted I wait until payday which is 2 weeks away

Do you always do what your DP 'insists'?

I couldn't tolerate someone who didn't contribute towards your kids, but is happy to spend £400 a month on beer, and he is putting his foot down about what you can spend so he can make sure it is available to borrow off you for booze.

Why do you even listen to him?

suburberphobe · 27/01/2025 23:51

the reason he's saying no is because he knows his money will run out and need me to bail him out like most other months

More fool you then.

You need to put that money into a savings account because one day you will need it and it can nicely top up your pension.

pikkumyy77 · 27/01/2025 23:52

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:38

@HeronWing I think there's more to life than money

He doesn’t. He is in your life for money, sex, and convenience. What you think or want doesn’t come into it.

What a shame to bring a child into this—and a daughter at that—and teach her that women are nothing more that doormats for drunken, spendthrift men to wipe their feet on.

TheSandgroper · 27/01/2025 23:54

I hope he’s good to you in bed because otherwise you are paying him to be his bangmaid. He probably can’t believe his luck.

pikkumyy77 · 27/01/2025 23:54

Also: if he is sending money for his child (and I doubt it) its because you are subsidizing his other spending which is entirely selfish. So you are subsidizing his child.

Original poster
kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:57

I mean he is a good father to our child, he helps me a lot more than I think most men would, it's not all bad

OP posts:
ElvenPowers · 28/01/2025 00:02

"than you think most men would" is not a high enough standard love. You've got your perspective slightly wrong probably through your own early life lessons. I can tell you categorically now - you need someone who contributes at least 50-50 the same as you contribute. Money, work and time.

Being a man doesn't mean you are naturally likely to contribute less. And you still lose out even if you're assuming old-school gender roles... in thay case he should be paying for YOU.

TimeForTeaAndG · 28/01/2025 00:03

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:57

I mean he is a good father to our child, he helps me a lot more than I think most men would, it's not all bad

My DH does all the clothes washing, can get DD ready and out for her sports practice with zero input from me, is on all the WhatsApp groups for the updates of said sport, ensures dinner is made before she leaves to go to practice, runs the vacuum around the house, walks the dog, feeds the dog, fixes stuff around the house, empties and fills the dishwasher without being asked....

Where is your bar set for what other men would do?

Good men don't help you, good men do their share.

StrawberryWater · 28/01/2025 00:11

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:57

I mean he is a good father to our child, he helps me a lot more than I think most men would, it's not all bad

If you think he's a good father you need to give your head a serious wobble.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/01/2025 00:14

A good father shouldn't be "helping", he should be parenting.

Why do women continue to have children with wasters like these?

Raise your bar Kiana. He's a man-child waster. He's NOT a good father. He cannot provide and look after all of the children he's got. He prioritises alcohol and gaming over his children. OPEN YOUR EYES.

Greyish2025 · 28/01/2025 00:26

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:35

Well then he would have no money?

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The only way to get him to live within his means is to stop bailing him out, buy the bits you want and then if he had no money it’s his problem, he sounds like an idiot

Greyish2025 · 28/01/2025 00:27

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:50

Yes we both work, we rent, we both earn pretty much the same depending on the month, we half bills such as rent, electric, etc. I buy all the food shopping as he sends money for his DC I thought that would be fair but now I'm thinking to start asking for money towards food

Show quote history

Yes, otherwise it’s really you that is paying for his kids not him!

ChonkyRabbit · 28/01/2025 00:28

kiana2015 · 27/01/2025 23:45

@livelovelough24 I posted as more of a rant really just to get it off my chest but I also thought maybe I was being abit dramatic to be annoyed so was curious to others opinions

You're not being at all dramatic. You are severely underreacting and seem to have no idea how bad your relationship is. You
don't have to live like this...

Theoldbird · 28/01/2025 00:35

I have never read a less fitting description of a good dad. this is low even by MN standards.

Drinks too much
terribly irresponsible with money
keeps sponging of op
prioritises gaming

DeepRoseFish · 28/01/2025 00:38

What the hell are you doing with this giant man child that you need to bail out every month?!!

He's blowing his money on booze and gaming!

Get rid!