AIBU about "friends" gossiping about DD?

[Gossipygossip]

I'm annoyed, but not sure if I should be, although I have certainly learnt a lesson here.

Went out for dinner with four school mums, that I have known since reception and our children are now in the last years of secondary school so for some time. We have always been open and honest about parenting, ND diagnoses, challenging behaviour, marriage up and downs. So my DD has started a relationship and although she is was 15 when it began, it was sexual. They are still together over a year later, and we are happy that's it's a supportive and loving relationship and of no concern. It was young to start having intimacy, but it was her choice and is doing everything the right way with protection etc.

Also we talked about our children going to parties etc, and drinking. Felt like an open sharing conversation over a curry and a drink or two.

Except I then find out one of my friend's husbands has been gossiping to another husband (of a mutual friend who didn't attend the dinner), about how my DD is engaging in underage sex, and what awful parents we are.

AIBU to feel like something said, if not in confidence, but at least in friendly trusting environment, is been used in this way? Would you say anything to your friend that passed this on?

I wouldn’t be happy if I were your daughter - I think discussing your child’s sex life with your friends is really off.

Yes I would. I asked a friend for advice once about something I assumed was obviously confidential. She told her child so that was great and didn't cause any issues at all between me and mine and my kid's peers 😫 dropped the friendship.

wtf? Why have you told them that about your dd?

Came on to say the same thing 🤯

Discretion is an issue across the board.

Parents don't own their children- treat their private life's as exactly that: private

The other parents shouldn’t be gossiping but honestly, you shouldn’t be sharing info about your DD either. You’ve lost her her right to privacy with your own actions.

Sounds like you're used to over sharing with this group. You should protect your daughters privacy and not discuss her sex life! To me this would be something I would share with a close friend only, where confidentiality would go without saying.

You told your friends about your daughters sex life? Why would you do that?

I wouldn't be discussing my child's private life with anyone tbh, friend or not, whether that relates to sexual activity, health issues, diagnosis' or anything else. My children are entitled to the same level of privacy as I expect to have myself.

You discussed your 15 year old daughter's sex life?

Spot on

I can understand someone thinking that if you’ve shared information in a group like that, it’s not something you’re trying to keep private.

It would be different if you’d shared it with one friend and told her to keep it private.

How did you find out your friends husband gossiped about your DD? Did your friends tell you this? This group sounds very odd - a lot of oversharing.

Lesson learnt, it was shared in a oh my god, they are growing up so quickly...and I didn't share anything beyond the fact it was an "adult" relationship

Point taken, lesson learnt. But we have all had a habit of perhaps oversharing over the years.

People love to gossip. Whether that's with friends or with husbands/partners etc.

Unfortunately this was a rather juicy piece of gossip that you shared OP. And now it's doing the rounds.

Feel sorry for your daughter tbh. It probably won't be long until she hears about it courtesy of your friends kids!

It’s disgusting that YOU have been gossiping about your daughter’s private life with your mates

I agree that you were the first to disclose details about your daughter's sex life. Even if you believed you were speaking in strict confidence, that's a cat let out of a bag irrevocably.

And from threads on here down the years about spousal confidentiality ('If someone tells you something in confidence, do you tell DH?'), some women do feel that their DH 'doesn't count' as breaking a confidence, or feel quite self-righteously about how there should be 'no secrets between husband and wife'.

I've felt like an outlier saying that I wouldn't dream of telling DH something told me in confidence, unless it was something serious involving someone vulnerable at risk and I needed advice about what steps I should take.

The friend who wasn't there contacted me to tell me her DH had been contacted by the other husband and the information shared

Stop discussing your daughter's personal, private information with other people. How cruel and stupid of you.

Oh dear, op. What were you thinking? Let this be a lesson and hopefully your dd doesn’t suffer.

You massively overstepped by sharing your daughter's intimate information, you know that now, but my god two grown men discussing it between themselves?! That really turns my stomach.

The only person at fault here is you.

You have gossiped about your dds sex life, when she felt close enough to you to share such personal information, and now you're upset that other people are doing the same thing?

What are you going to do when your dd finds out you've been gossiping about her sex life with your mates?

It will be common knowledge with their other peers in school. Teens will gossip.
I found out one of my teens peers was having a sexual relationship with another classmate when I over heard my teen and their mates talking in a derogatory way about it down the Xbox microphone. I did ask them to stop, as I know the girl they were talking about. But, that’s how I found out.

Yes, that's pretty revolting.

Yes and no.

Gossip is a currency used by many, so you cannot realistically expect people to not gossip about you and your DC, though yanbu to hope your friends wouldn't. With this in mind it's wise to be circumspect about who you share sensitive information with, if there is a risk of damage or harm.if it gets out then don't share it.

On the flipside yanbu in wanting to share big parenting topics to get support from your peers as this is how we learn - it takes a village to raise a child and all that! I've benefitted hugely over the years from having open and honest conversations about parenting milestones including when is the right time to allow a bf/gf to stay over, for example. Hearing about how others approach things and any regrets, can help us to avoid pitfalls, but it is important to be able to trust people we are opening our hearts to.

I'd approach the gossiper calmly and just explain what you've heard. It might ve been exaggerated or taken out of context, but it will give you the chance to address it and hopefully stop any further gossiping

She knows, has no issues with it as she's open with her friends etc and has not seen it as a thing to be ashamed of.