AIBU about "friends" gossiping about DD?

[Gossipygossip]

I'm annoyed, but not sure if I should be, although I have certainly learnt a lesson here.

Went out for dinner with four school mums, that I have known since reception and our children are now in the last years of secondary school so for some time. We have always been open and honest about parenting, ND diagnoses, challenging behaviour, marriage up and downs. So my DD has started a relationship and although she is was 15 when it began, it was sexual. They are still together over a year later, and we are happy that's it's a supportive and loving relationship and of no concern. It was young to start having intimacy, but it was her choice and is doing everything the right way with protection etc.

Also we talked about our children going to parties etc, and drinking. Felt like an open sharing conversation over a curry and a drink or two.

Except I then find out one of my friend's husbands has been gossiping to another husband (of a mutual friend who didn't attend the dinner), about how my DD is engaging in underage sex, and what awful parents we are.

AIBU to feel like something said, if not in confidence, but at least in friendly trusting environment, is been used in this way? Would you say anything to your friend that passed this on?

Agree.
Anything you tell someone, is no longer a secret, just information.

I have a group of mum friends who share all sorts of things. In the strictest of confidence. It is our safe space, our place to get the best advice and keep ourselves sane through some very challenging times.

Nothing is ever shared with husbands.

So I have some questions:

Why did your friend tell her husband?

And why are 2 adult males discussing your teenage daughter's sexual activity?

This would make me extremely uncomfortable and I would have to confront the couple involved.

Lesson learnt, for all of us. Our children private life is private.
Anyone's private life is private.
We do not talk about it. To anyone.

This type of person tends to be associated with certain type of name calling, despicable one, and I would stir clear of them, by the way.

DADS???

My DH would be 🤢 at someone texting him regarding the sex life of a teenaged lass. Tbh if I heard about 16 year olds (or 15 year olds) in a couple doing it I’d be thinking ‘of course they are?’ I lost mine at 17 and was treated like a leprous nun when at school, it was like a bloody race to get ‘deflowered’ (lol at the term).

Why would you need advice from your friends seeing as your son already had condoms? 🤔

Not only have you allowed your daughter to have underage sex, but you thought you would tell your friends about it too,?

Wow. Mother of the decade. No wonder your friends are shocked.

Yes! What were you thinking?!

Two of the dads who weren't even there discussing a 15 year-old girl's sex life?

Yuck

On the flipside yanbu in wanting to share big parenting topics to get support from your peers as this is how we learn - it takes a village to raise a child and all that! I've benefitted hugely over the years from having open and honest conversations about parenting milestones including when is the right time to allow a bf/gf to stay over, for example. Hearing about how others approach things and any regrets, can help us to avoid pitfalls, but it is important to be able to trust people we are opening our hearts to.

^^ I agree. I think one of the hardest things is that we all start a parenting journey (in the main) discussing everything - nappies, nipples, etc and then slowly we start to diverge. Some of us have children who don't meet milestones, who take a different path to the expected one, who become significantly or chronically ill, who come into contact with criminal justice system , who move to adulthood and drink/sex more quickly, etc etc and those are the points where it is very easy to speak to the people who have always been your peers and realise with hindsight that it wasn't a good idea. Either due to frustrating conversations or due to subsequent gossip.

That would be friendship-ending for me. What kind of low-life tells her husband that? There is no way that most normal people would do so, especially a so-called close friend that you have confided in. The fact that your 'friend' has gone home and told her husband about it makes it obvious that she has done so because she also judges you and your dd. The fact that the husband then repeated it to another man is gross.

Personally, I would contact her and tell her that this information has made it's way back to you.

It's going to be pretty obvious to anyone that knows them that your dd is in a serious relationship. It is not unusual at 15; you are absolutely not a bad parent, quite the opposite as it seems you have a lovely relationship with your dd and her boyfriend.

You should be able to speak freely with your close friends about your children as they grow up. Your friend and her husband at fault, you are not.

This whole thing is just so grim.

I am fully in the camp of sex is nothing to be ashamed of, and plenty more 15 year olds will be engaging in that than their parents would be happy to admit HOWEVER - ashamed or not, I would not be happy with relative strangers discussing my private life.

My mother used to do this with her family because they were “close”. I stopped telling her anything and never have done since.

Don't do this. What law do you think they are breaking?

Your child is still in school yes? How nice if it is spread all around the school. You really did not think this through. You probably wanted to come across as a liberal parent .

I don't think it's that weird them discussing it? It's 'news' you put out into the group. Do either of them have a daughter the same age in the group, maybe they now see her as a bad influence?? You can allow what you want but it doesn't mean people can't/won't judge or comment...

There are so many issues with this I’m not even sure where to start.

Let’s leave aside the privacy issue,
You talk about your daughter’s relationship as being an adult relationship. At 15. It’s not, and neither should it have been treated as such.

Children should all be talked to about contraception, but that should be on the understanding that having sex under the age of 16 is illegal and that at 15 she is in no way old or mature enough to consent.
Condoning your 15 year old daughter having sex is shit parenting.

At 15 relationships need to be so much more relaxed than that. By essentially making her relationship into a @grown up@ relationship you are giving her a maturity and expectation which she is nowhere near old enough to have.

This
OP was way out of order and actually appears dismissive that her 15yr old daughter is having sex - I always thought it was illegal under 16???
What a wonderful example of parenting.......NOT

I don't think you've shared anything that many parents, in a group that they considered to be close friends over many years, might not have shared with each other when thinking how to 'parent' through it.

The people clutching their pearls here - you really wouldn't say something along the lines of: "My daughter has a serious boyfriend and her parents are allowing her to sleep over. Would you allow it? Am I an outlier saying yes/no?" We all know what "sleep over" means. And it's something it would not be remotely out of the ordinary to work through with friends you trusted.

It could be other topics - have found weed, what would you do? They're vaping etc.

I think the other parent is a judgey asshole and not an actual friend.

This is an unfortunate learning lesson for you in terms of who your real friends are.

I am also struggling to imagine the women in this scenario sharing the “gossip” with their DHs though?! Why on earth would they think it’s ok to share the sex life of a 15 year old girl and why are the men salivating to tell others about it. All VERY strange.

I am pretty sure if I told my DH this kind of “gossip”, he’d reply with “Umm why are you telling me that, I do not want or need to know”

Playing devils advocate you don’t know how or what has been said. Two Dad’s could have chatting and one said ‘God I’m dreading them growing up, Jack wants to go to Glastonbury this year and Emily had a glass of Prosecco with her friends last week. Next thing you know they’ll be dating. Did you hear that Emily Jones and Dan Smith are in a relationship? Their parents know and are fine with them having sex apparently. Bloody hell, I’d hit the roof’.

I think that’s a reasonable thing to say, it’s not gossipy, it’s just chatting like you do with your Mum friends.

Posters getting het up your underage DD is sexually active should consider the alternative of her not confiding in you and seeking support to get protection etc – unplanned pregnancy, STDs etc. So you're actually being a responsible parent, not the opposite.

Frankly, I'd be annoyed with the mum at the dinner who told her husband but I'd be totally creeped out that he'd actively contacted another dad to discuss your 15-year-old daughter having sex. It doesn't matter how it was brought up, it's still so sleazy.

Btw I have a similar friendship ground we would talk about such topics. I certainly wouldn't share with my husband and can't imagine my husband talking to one of the other dads about I, that is weird. Your friend should have kept it to herself. At least you know you can't trust her anymore.

Exactly how do you think that will go? They haven’t broken the law, the OP discussed it publicly in a public place so she is the one who put it out there.

For the people saying it’s odd that the DH’s are discussing it, not necessarily. I think that at this age every parent reaches a point where they wonder how and when to allow e.g. children to have boyfriends and girlfriends stay over, and finding out that one of their friendship circle has 0 boundaries in that regard opens up the realisation that all the kids are growing up.

Op, you shared confidential information.
It was not nice to hear that your DD sex life was being discussed but surely not surprising.

The men were discussing it, as fathers themselves. Not surprising that they would have their own opinions on whether fifteen year olds should be having regular underage sex with approval of their parents.

Are you sure that you are not just upset that they disagreed with your parenting decision?
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, to examine pros and cons and to back their own choices.

Be confident in your call but don't over share.

I find your friends husband really weird. Your friend isn't necessarily to blame as many of us share information with partners who wouldn't act as he has.

The thing is you don't know in what way she is doing it or if it's just him. Whatever you share in the friendship group going forward (whether the group contains her or not) may end up with her and him knowing about it.

Maybe don't say anything yet but just don't reveal so much personal information.

You have set the tone by gossiping about your daughter’s sex life with your friends. A total overshare! I hope you have learnt your lesson.