AIBU about "friends" gossiping about DD?

[Gossipygossip]

I'm annoyed, but not sure if I should be, although I have certainly learnt a lesson here.

Went out for dinner with four school mums, that I have known since reception and our children are now in the last years of secondary school so for some time. We have always been open and honest about parenting, ND diagnoses, challenging behaviour, marriage up and downs. So my DD has started a relationship and although she is was 15 when it began, it was sexual. They are still together over a year later, and we are happy that's it's a supportive and loving relationship and of no concern. It was young to start having intimacy, but it was her choice and is doing everything the right way with protection etc.

Also we talked about our children going to parties etc, and drinking. Felt like an open sharing conversation over a curry and a drink or two.

Except I then find out one of my friend's husbands has been gossiping to another husband (of a mutual friend who didn't attend the dinner), about how my DD is engaging in underage sex, and what awful parents we are.

AIBU to feel like something said, if not in confidence, but at least in friendly trusting environment, is been used in this way? Would you say anything to your friend that passed this on?

This is a shame. I don't agree with the people who are being holier than thou about an OP. Sharing with friends that your daughter is in an adult relationship is not a terrible breach of trust imho, assuming she is not keeping it a secret. It is totally normal to talk to trusted friends about private issues and accept that they will be treated respectfully.

I am alone in finding two middle aged men discussing a teenage girl’s sex life as a bit hmmm.

I totally disagree with all of you , friends should have been able to share personal information in confidence and receive support and not judgement

the person who was out if order was the person who told you about the gossip
they were out of order, you didn’t need to know other people’s opinions

I think this is exactly it. I'd be heart broken if my daughter was having sex this young. I definitely would not have told my friends.

Here we go. 4 bazillion women shaming the woman for over sharing with friends she trusted and not the absolutely gross men that discussed it out of context. I would fuck all of those friends off tbh after I sent them a text telling them how naive they really are to be so shocked at a 15 year old having sex. Oh and I would also be taking a very close look at the social media of these ‘men’ and pointing out the inevitable fact that they are gross something like ‘I’m shocked your husband is so shocked by 15 year olds having sex when he follows sexualised content of women that look extremely young on…’ but I’m a petty betty so….

This will blow over, to me this is not even juicy gossip, typical teenage behaviour.

I wouldn’t have told but I think you know that now.

For what it’s worth I don’t think it’s unusual for 15year olds to have sexual relationships and nothing to be ashamed about.

Nah, tons of people said the men were creepy.

And as the mother has now promised to stop gossiping about her own daughter to other people, she's apparently learned a valuable lesson.

I think really you are the one who shouldn't have talked about your DDs sex life. I have a group of mum friends i go out with and we have fairly open chats about various things. I often come home and speak to my husband about it and I'm sure they do too. So I wouldn't talk to them about something I didn't want others to know. Eg I didn't tell any friends my DD was autistic until she knew herself (she was diagnosed quite young and it was a good few years before we thought she'd understand).

It seems like you are more unset about what they've said rather than them knowing. But she is underage. It is illegal. So people will have all sorts of thoughts and judgements on that. I wouldn't take any notice. You are confident you have delt with things in the right way. And the other parents can be all judgey if they like, but doesn't mean they will necessarily avoid similar or other issues with their children.

You were gossiping about your DD yourself. Then get in a huff when someone else does. What about your DD privacy?

It's fine to tell friends anything you like about yourself but absolutely not your children's private lives.

I can still feel the outrage and embarrassment I felt when I found out my mother had told her friends (some of them our neighbours) that I'd started my periods. I was 13 and was so furious I actually shouted at my Mum (unheard of) that she should just post a notice in the window. She couldn't see anything wrong with what she'd done until I said from now on I'm going to tell everyone that you have piles and you wax your moustache.

What do you mean “she knows” you discuss her sex life with your friends?
This is starting to sound quite peculiar…

Yep, I remember finding out my mother had told people I'd had a miscarriage when I was in my early 20s. It was early on and nobody should have known I was pregnant, let alone miscarrying, except the people I specifically told. I was absolutely enraged at her sharing my personal, private information. It's just a dreadful betrayal of trust.

I don’t really think this is that much different to sharing children’s medical diagnosis. It’s classed as private info or info they might want to be selective in telling people when they’re older. It sounds like you’re a really close friendship group that go way back. It’s a shame Mums can’t share info and know it’s top secret given that mothering is overwhelming & hard. We all need support, it was a small group of women that you go way back with. You weren’t gossiping at the school gates/

She’s open with her friends.. The select few people she is comfortable talking to. People she has chosen to tell.

This does not give you the right to discuss it with anyone.

There has been countless personal things I’ve told my friends about myself and then my mother has went and told anyone who would listen. It is not the same.

I disagree that OP is the only person at fault here.

Adult men gossiping about a teenage girl’s sex life is disgusting, misogynistic and bordering on Paedophilic in my opinion. The mums were over sharing. The Dads talking about it when they weren’t even party to the initial conversation is worse.

This is so true, men and their ownership of women. Its Inappropriate that the men are discussing it between them and casting judgment. It’s like something from Pride and Prejudice or Bridgerton. They’ll have having a sword fight for your daughters honour next.

My Dsis was in a relationship having sex at 15 and told my mum because we were all very close.

My DM was really supportive but she later spoke to her best friend who has a daughter the same age because she wanted to see how her friend would have reacted, an opinion on if it was better to let my sisters boyfriend stay over so they were safe and not having sex outside and worries about her getting pregnant.
Basically she just wanted support herself because she didn’t want to discuss it with my dad knowing he would prefer not know and she knew my Dsis didn’t want him to know.

My DM had been friends with this woman since me and my sister were babies and trusted her implicitly. My Dsis used to be friends with her daughter but grew apart when they went to different secondary schools.

My mums friend broke her trust and told her DD, her daughter told her friends and even though they were at separate schools we lived in a small town so it got back to kids in my sisters school and she was really badly bullied over it.
she got called a slag and a slut by the girls but her boyfriend was a hero with the boys.

Dsis wasn’t angry with my mum for wanting advice and a sounding board, she was however furious with her friend and so was my mum. Her friend apologised but they fell out badly.

It was nice to see how my Dsis’s boyfriend reacted, he was great and refused to discuss their private life with anyone and stuck up for her at school and even contacted DM’s friends daughter to tell her it was none of her business and he was embarrassed for her that she had nothing better to talk about. I’m not sure how many other 16 year old boys would have behaved like that!

Dsis stayed with her boyfriend and have been married 18 years with two kids, they were young to be having sex but they loved each other and have only ever loved each other since.

I don’t think it was that terrible for OP to want to advice and support from friends, the people gossiping are in the wrong in this scenario and yet most people want a chance to stick the boot into the OP as usual. I bet most people discuss their kids with friends and if it’s personal or not it’s still gossip if it’s passed on, some parents love to judge and might find it as scandalous that their friends let their kids to take a few cans of lager to a party, or play 18 games on the X box underage and gossip about it.

The real people who ABU are the men discussing a 15 year olds sex life, if my dad had heard about my friends having sex he would not have wanted to know and definitely wouldn’t have been chatting to his friends about it!

As for how you handle it, I think I would wait until next time you're all together and then refuse to answer any questions about anything "because after last time it's clear not all of you can be trusted". Then dob DF and her DH in it as judgemental tongue-waggers.

Never gossip about your children. I didn’t have anything on this scale but it still stings 30 years later and damaged my relationship with my mother.

Agree, I don't like the notion of these men discussing a 15 year old girl's sex life, at all. It just feels very wrong.

Minority but I think you're getting a bit shot down here, I can easily see how you thought it was safe information to share, if you've been friends for years you'll have shared so many personal things it's probably not dawned on you (;until now!) that's it's not your information to share
I also think you seem to be dealing with the sexual side extremely well, teenagers will have sex wether given permission or not, your daughter has been taught that intimacy should really only be in a caring loving relationship, I'd much rather my daughter have those values than a number on a birthday card!
I think it's vile and plain weird that two grown adult men find it an appropriate topic of conversation though! What's it actually got to do with them?
We've also had "friends" since our children were small and only just come to the realisation they aren't actually friends at all, hard pill to swallow, but friends don't gossip and judge each others parenting in my book!

I completely agree, as someone whose youngest is the same and has had a boyfriend for a year at 16. That said, I haven't openly discussed it with friends but would be honest if someone asked me.

I think the two dads are absolutely vile to discuss a daughter of friends in this way though. Ugh. God knows what else they don't admit to saying about girls that age.

And also passing comment on your parenting! Methinks he doth protest too much. I'd be watching him like a fucking hawk in future and if I bumped into him I'd give him a piece of my mind, the absolute guttersnipe.

Me neither.

We go out as a group of mums. I don't share much with my husband afterwards. I would certainly not have shared this conversation with him.

Is it common these days to blab?

She may not see any harm in it, but the fact is it is illegal and her boyfriend could be charged with rape. So much better not to tell all and sundry.