AIBU about "friends" gossiping about DD?

[Gossipygossip]

I'm annoyed, but not sure if I should be, although I have certainly learnt a lesson here.

Went out for dinner with four school mums, that I have known since reception and our children are now in the last years of secondary school so for some time. We have always been open and honest about parenting, ND diagnoses, challenging behaviour, marriage up and downs. So my DD has started a relationship and although she is was 15 when it began, it was sexual. They are still together over a year later, and we are happy that's it's a supportive and loving relationship and of no concern. It was young to start having intimacy, but it was her choice and is doing everything the right way with protection etc.

Also we talked about our children going to parties etc, and drinking. Felt like an open sharing conversation over a curry and a drink or two.

Except I then find out one of my friend's husbands has been gossiping to another husband (of a mutual friend who didn't attend the dinner), about how my DD is engaging in underage sex, and what awful parents we are.

AIBU to feel like something said, if not in confidence, but at least in friendly trusting environment, is been used in this way? Would you say anything to your friend that passed this on?

I'm not condoning my DD having had sex before the legal age, she knows I would have rather she waited, and she even questions whether she'd have been better to have been a little older. But she's hardly unusual in having done so.

I don’t disagree that these kinds of issues are issues which are discussed by parents, but equally I think that judging someone for allowing a 15 year old to have sex under her roof is perfectly worthy of judgement.

And before anyone says “she will be doing it anyway,” so what? That’s just a cop out answer that people give to excuse them from having to parent their child.

Just because it happens doesn’t mean that parents should be facilitating it.

Yeah, it sounds like you need to be more private about your child's business

My dm used to so this, start sharing private things about me to all and sundry. We're now estranged.

The group aren't your friends, you've misjudged that, op. But yabu not to protect your daughter from gossips, I'm sorry x

You should always assume too that a wife will tell her husband everything and vice versa.

I wouldn't have told my husband this, because he wouldn't be remotely interested, but not as part of keeping anything secret from him, because I won't ever agree to that, having seen the issues it can cause.

But it doesn't sound like you asked them to keep it secret anyway?

Anyway, once you have told even one person it is no longer a secret. And people will always, always gossip. If I don't want anyone to know, I tell nobody, took me a while to learn that, but learn it I did.

Perhaps you should warn your daughter about what you have done, so at least she isn't shocked when she realises people are gossiping about her.

This.

You're getting a hard time OP but I have similar friendships and a similar aged daughter and I don't think sharing that info was abnormal.

What is abnormal to me is two middle aged dads feeling like this is salacious gossip to share. Yuck.

Amazing, you allow your dd to have sex and a 'relationship' at 15, and then you are indiscreet about it to these people? Bad parenting plus lack of trust (I would not trust you if you were my mum).

Yes, yes, yes.

Not sure you can do anything about it now.

I've not read full thread.

But I think you are being unreasonable for discussing your daughters sex life with other adults.

Would you want anyone else discussing your sex life with people who you do not know?

You've broke your daughters trust here and you can't take it back.

If the husbands know then probs the other teens know too.

I think you are 100% in the wrong here.

Try and take this as a learning lesson for you and don't break your daughters trust again.

You’re telling your friends about your own daughters sex life and they’re telling their hisbands. I’d be ashamed if you were my mother. This is awful.

How to broach that condoms are not 100% and that they should be using other protection. How best to discuss whether they what to do in the event of unplanned pregnancy, consent issues.

I am a lone parent and it helps me to discuss parenting issues/concerns with my close friends; to listen to their experiences, to help me consider things I might not have thought of, to reassure me.

I confide in my friends over lots of things. They are long standing friends that I trust very much - both in their discretion and their advice/support.

This is possibly the most ridiculous thing i have read on MN ever. Your 16y.o.DD is happy with you discussing her sex life with your friends? Take it you are happy your mum is talking about yours OP 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Op, what is that odd about two of your group (two Dads) openly discussing the issue? You set the tone by over sharing.

All parents in the group face the same decisions regarding helping their own kids traverse similar milestones.

They should be thinking hard; discussing is healthy.
Forming an opinion that is not the same as yours is fine.

I'm a bit of a prude but I'm surprised so many are shocked about a 15 year old with a steady boyfriend having sex, I'd kind of likely assume it really. I'm surprised it's a topic to be discussed in a group and definitely salacious for friends to report home and then one husband to discuss with another. Id be really upset that my lack of judgement has been compounded by friends gossiping. I'd have hoped the people hearing it initially would think its private information and respected that.

You must live a sheltered life if this is the most ridiculous thing you've heard.

Op you obviously made an error by speaking about this but you know that already. And fwiw when I am with close, trusted friends I've discussed my dc and concerns I've had. It's not over sharing or gossiping. It's looking for reassurance from people who are going through the same things with dc that age. A lapse of judgement perhaps to share quite so much but you've learnt your lesson.

It's really shitty of the other parents to gossip and judge you/your daughter. I'd really be giving them a wide berth to be honest.

Probably these friends don't want their children to be having underage sex either, and are worried about their own children thinking it's ok.

It isn't that common, and most parents would be a bit ''eek'' if their sons and daughters were having sex so young with tacit parental approval.

I'm not surprised at the 15-year-old. I'm surprised at her mother discussing it and then being upset that it's talked about further.

If she's old enough for sex she's old enough for privacy. You shouldn't have shared that information.

I also find it odd your daughter now knows about this matter and is apparently fine with it.

How can she be fine with her mum and a bunch of parents gossiping about her sex life at 15 years old. Regardless of whether she has told friends freely or not.

Either she is lying to you so as not to hurt your feelings, you are lying to yourself and tried to sweep it under carpet or she is too immature to be having a sex life if she doesn't grasp the severity of how you have broken her trust.

Peculiar.

My God you really think 15 year olds these days get ‘parental approval’ for having sex 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You told your mates your daughter is having sex. You've totally betrayed her trust.

Sounds like you wanted to appear to be the “cool mum” who is ok with underage sex etc. it backfired. Now you look far from cool.

Gosh I am glad you are not my mum!

whatever the rights and wrongs of telling these friends, which depending on how good friends they are the support can be invaluable, you need to mention it to the friend whose husband has been gossiping, it's not on and if it was my husband who did that I would be tearing him a new one, and would also then know not to tell him anything.

People can do what they like, and they quite often gossip about people. Even best friends gossip about each other. That's why I don't over share. Private information is between me and my family only. I think you were wrong to share this information about your daughter, with a group of friends. Next time don't share information that isn't yours. To be honest if I heard my friend say that about her 15 year old daughter, I would be talking about her parenting skills too with a friend.

I always kept condoms in the house in an easily accessible place {Worked for a charity where they were easily available} and said to DS that they were there for him and his friends to use and experiment with - They used to disappear, and the charity said teens practicing with them was not a ''waste'' of condoms.

It is important to speak to young teens about contraception, even if one is not wanting them to be having sex so young.

Mothers of boys need to be as on board with this as mothers of girls.