AIBU about "friends" gossiping about DD?

[Gossipygossip]

I'm annoyed, but not sure if I should be, although I have certainly learnt a lesson here.

Went out for dinner with four school mums, that I have known since reception and our children are now in the last years of secondary school so for some time. We have always been open and honest about parenting, ND diagnoses, challenging behaviour, marriage up and downs. So my DD has started a relationship and although she is was 15 when it began, it was sexual. They are still together over a year later, and we are happy that's it's a supportive and loving relationship and of no concern. It was young to start having intimacy, but it was her choice and is doing everything the right way with protection etc.

Also we talked about our children going to parties etc, and drinking. Felt like an open sharing conversation over a curry and a drink or two.

Except I then find out one of my friend's husbands has been gossiping to another husband (of a mutual friend who didn't attend the dinner), about how my DD is engaging in underage sex, and what awful parents we are.

AIBU to feel like something said, if not in confidence, but at least in friendly trusting environment, is been used in this way? Would you say anything to your friend that passed this on?

That's what gets me. Why share?

and your 15 year old has a sex life? gosh she's awfully young, nice relationship or not. this is probably why this is being discussed amongst everyone.

No one is suggesting she should be ashamed but who wants other people discussing their sex life?

If your dd is cool about you discussing her sex life with your mates, why are you arsed about everyone else discussing it then?

You're the one who put it out there for public consumption. They are just following your lead.

I’m such a secret squirrel that I don’t get over sharing. I’m not surprised they gossiped, you have only yourself to blame.
Have you told dd you have spoken about it? She may get a comment from one of their kids. Men speaking about teens having sex is off, I would never share this with my dh 😳

This is one of the things that feels very isolating if you’re a parent of a teenager with problems. It feels fine going around sharing that your toddler keeps biting at nursery, but talking about your teenager can feel like breaking their right to privacy, and also leaves you open to judgement from others! But you also want to share things that concern you or are preoccupying you…

Agree that the weirdest bit of this story is two men gossiping about your daughter’s sex life though.

I don't have close family, no one to share parenting concerns or the journey with - that was my mistake, assuming we were coming into this friendship with an understanding that part of being supportive means not weaponising what you have heard against your "friend". The friend telling her own DH, fine perhaps, we all do that to a degree - but then that man sharing it with another man as judging gossip? Why? Slow football weekend?

If your dd is cool about you discussing her sex life with your mates, why are you arsed about everyone else discussing it then?

Probably because the OP’s parenting is now being criticised

I have discussed finding condoms in my son's room (wasn't snooping, he had given me permission to give his room a tidy).
I trust my friends - it was one to one, not during an evening out or something.
I wanted their advice on how to ensure he was being safe as this is (as far as I know) his first sexual relationship.

True, the gossiping is, seemingly, OK if its about ops teenage daughter, but nobody should be gossiping about op because thats unfair.

People tend to claim men aren't as gossipy as women, but I have never found that to be true. There is something particularly ick about two adult men discussing a 15 year old girl's sex life though.

But please stop talking about your daughter's private affairs completely no matter who you are talking to. She deserves better.

I'm not ever going to throw my hat into a parent of the year competition, but we all make errors of judgement.

What I was surprised by is it being shared further, and wondering if I simply close down this friendship or actually have a conversation about it?

As I've said, lesson learnt.

I can't believe anyone would give out details of their child's intimate relationship to their friends. The friends are most likely going to tell their partner at least, and there's always one who will blab.
It's best to keep it to yourself.

I think a fair few fifteen year olds have likely had sex- whether the parents want to believe it or not.
Your DD has been open, honest and careful by the sounds of it.

It’s disgusting two men are talking about it though! I think you’ve made it fair game by talking about it yourself. People will gossip about anything!

Good that you have learned something here OP. My first thought was that you aren’t happy they are gossiping about it…. But you were the one who gossiped to them about it!!

I would be SO mortified if my mum was sharing this info about me with her friends. I also hope to god that it doesn’t get back to your DD that you spread this information. She will never tell you anything again 😳

I honestly don’t think they’ve done anything wrong by sharing something further which you shared quite openly. Unless you specifically said “this stays between us 4”?

I'm sorry OP it's never nice to have your parenting criticised and know that people are gossiping about your child 😕 those men sound like pathetic individuals gossiping about a 15 year old girl. You sound like a sensible and loving parent so I wouldn't pay any mind to their opinions.

Like you say, lesson learned, I wouldn't be sharing private information about your children in future - they have a right to privacy especially as they get older.

To shut this down, I’d send messages to the DH’s.

Please stop discussing my 15 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER’s sex life. It’s very strange behaviour. I didn’t share the information with you, I shared it confidentially with a friend. If you keep discussing this I will seek legal advice.

They’re all being shitty and most importantly why are grown men commenting on a young girl’s sex life? Massive weirdos.

I only know a couple of women I could trust not to tell their own daughters absolutely everything. I really struggled to believe that but found it confirmed time and time again.

I think you need to think carefully about this situation:
firstly you have to look differently on what you share about your daughter in general when she’s at this age however cool she is with certain things, as her parent you have to think double hard about possible consequences.
secondly it seems that this group do pass info further so maybe you need reconsider in general what you share with them. ( by the way I’m surprised that you are surprised)

Hey OP - I can so easily see how this level of openness with your pals has developed, but agree with other posters in the need to respect your DD's privacy now she's (almost) an adult. It's one thing to share stories and tales about your toddlers and younger kids, but there's something about teenage-dom that makes me feel more discretion is needed.

It’s very off putting to think that you need to add a disclaimer “off the record” when talking about personal stuff with long term friends.

You have overshared OP, but the other parents are naive to think that their children of the same age aren't having sex as well. At least your daughter is in a relationship, and is able to discuss that with you openly. Who knows what the others are getting up to behind their parents backs. I'd keep schtum from now on.