AIBU about "friends" gossiping about DD?

[Gossipygossip]

I'm annoyed, but not sure if I should be, although I have certainly learnt a lesson here.

Went out for dinner with four school mums, that I have known since reception and our children are now in the last years of secondary school so for some time. We have always been open and honest about parenting, ND diagnoses, challenging behaviour, marriage up and downs. So my DD has started a relationship and although she is was 15 when it began, it was sexual. They are still together over a year later, and we are happy that's it's a supportive and loving relationship and of no concern. It was young to start having intimacy, but it was her choice and is doing everything the right way with protection etc.

Also we talked about our children going to parties etc, and drinking. Felt like an open sharing conversation over a curry and a drink or two.

Except I then find out one of my friend's husbands has been gossiping to another husband (of a mutual friend who didn't attend the dinner), about how my DD is engaging in underage sex, and what awful parents we are.

AIBU to feel like something said, if not in confidence, but at least in friendly trusting environment, is been used in this way? Would you say anything to your friend that passed this on?

This sounds like misplaced anger to me.
Your daughter is having underage sex which is not ideal and you are telling your friends!
Then you feel annoyed because they are gossiping about it.
Are you cross with them because you feel you cannot be angry with your daughter?

1. it wasn't your business to tell.
2. of course parents are going to have mixed opinions on you supporting your daughters underage sexual relationship
3. and of course it was going to be passed on to partners, its "salacious gossip" and a divisive issue.

It’s not the same and to pretend it is comparable is unfair.

I’m afraid I think you’ve brought this gossip on yourself by oversharing. Of course it’s going to be discussed because it’s quite shocking to most parents.

Maybe what he said was also "said, if not in confidence, but at least in friendly trusting environment".

You can't have it both ways.

You put the information out there indiscreetly so it's going to be shared indiscreetly.

I feel that I am out of touch and probably unusual in my views about sexual activity in kids.
It seems that many parents are ok with their younger than 16 year olds having sex. I know parents who allow boyfriends to sleep over and in one case found used condoms in girls bedroom, so no doubt about activity.
Am I right in thinking that generally people are relaxed about this?

From what I have heard over the years parents are often taking the "don't ask don't tell" approach. I do know that many parents would be shocked about the levels of sexual activity, images and conversations that occur from year 7 onwards - I was shocked and many children are facing these issues alone as they can't talk to their parents

I don't think you did anything wrong tbh. This is a group of mum friends who you've been sharing stuff from the sharp end of parenting with for well over a decade. I think discussing your children with each other in this way is OK and it should be understood that this stuff isn't gossip fodder. That said, in this kind of situation, I consider "pillow talk" between your friends and their DHs to be completely normal, and I wouldn't share anything I wasn't happy to go that far. The villain of the piece to my mind is your friend's DH, who turned it into gossip by telling his mate. And as a pp said, two grown men discussing a 15-year-old girl's sex life is pretty revolting. I'm also quite surprised anyone finds it that interesting/shocking/"salacious" really. I think it's pretty normal in the scheme of things, albeit a parenting issue to be thought through and dealt with carefully - which was presumably the real point of the conversation.

You're right, gossiping about your daughters sex life is much worse.

Your friends are gossiping about your DD’s sex life because you were gossiping with them about it.

They are wrong but you are worse.

Your poor DD.

I agree with this. It’s not uncommon for parents to do this. I’m sure your daughter would be mortified. A family member told me about their friends daughter being sexually active - so people do gossip - and I felt very uncomfortable knowing this. Not fair on the girl or her boyfriend.

Right well ideally never discussing kids sex lives is way to go.

However I had something similar with DS - an testicular torsion medical emergency which was a shock to us - and family DH parents happen to ring him and my Mum rang me - so we talked to them.

I assumed it would be kept fairly close lipped - didn't mind my Dsis with a young son being told as could affect them - was very taken aback to find IL and parents were discussing it with everyone and it hadn't occurred to them not to do this and not to then tell Ds and us what was said in response.

You are wrong to have shared your daughter’s business. My own Mum used to do the same, share all my private business with her gossipy friends. Nowadays I tell her nothing and share nothing with her because she can’t be trusted.

You could ask yourself the same question.

Everyone makes mistakes - and you didn't know it was one until these gossipy weirdos passed this around. I would be furious with them and definitely have a word with the spreader. Well done on building the sort of parent child relationship where your dd can be honest and open.

Exactly this. This is a good lesson as I could imagine myself doing this. We have shared intimate details of our childrens from babyhood, I know about my NCT friends babies constipation problems, various health problems, bullying etc.... so can easily imagine we would talk about this. She shouldn't have shared with the husband, who certainly shouldn't be sharing more broadly.

You would hope if they are such old friends, there would have been more goodwill and kindness towards both you and your DD.
I would certainly talk to the mother, and think that would be the end of that friendship.

Don't be surprised about men gossiping. I had a friend of a very close friend tell her husband my business. He stalked me on MN and then shouted the content of my post across a pub table. He is a nasty piece of work and to be frank no gentleman would discuss matters like this about a young girl.
I'd have a word tbh and tell him you find his interest distasteful.
Never trust school gate mums, competition still happening here and mine are 21 & 25!

I'm yet to come across a single teenager who is happy to be spoken about so im surprised yours is ok with it. I also don't want to gloss over how vile the two husbands are talking about someone's daughters sex life... what the f has it got to do with them. This is why you shouldn't have said anything. You thought you was just telling your friends ... no you was telling their entire family. Did this really never occur to you and whilst I 100 per cent agree there's nothing for your daughter to be ashamed of and we shouldn't make our girls to feel like they've done something wrong, they should be allowed to talk freely, just remind them that ppl do judge, you don't need to be an open book about everything and we don't need to share everything with our mates.. our mates do repeat what we tell them ... and later on in life we might not want to be reminded of things we said or did when we were young.

I wouldn’t be happy BUT under no circumstances should you be gossiping about your own child’s sex life.

You can guarantee if your friends have their own teenage kids they will hear about it and if they even vaguely know your daughter the gossip about her will spread like wildfire. I speak from having my own teen.

I don’t think you can describe it as an adult relationship. It’s a teenage relationship, although it’s a good thing that they are mature enough to use protection.

Best to keep quiet about it now.

Thanks all for your very frank feedback and comments. I'll do better in future.

Have you missed the several hundred times that the op has admitted she made a mistake and learnt a lesson?

Where I work I come into contact with a lot of men of varying ages and they are the biggest gossips going!

I don't think you've done anything wrong by sharing this information, when discussing the travails of teenhood, etc. Are we supposed to pretend we have no knowledge when our teen relationships are a conversation among close friends?
I similarly volunteered information about my son wanting his girlfriend sleeping over to a not-close family member, since we were sharing war stories. (Family member's reaction was- no way, my teens would never even ask that, while in fact I had let the gf stay over twice for event-specific reasons but wouldn't allow it as a routine thing.)
He also was 15 when they started but it lasted a year in a committed relationship so I didn't think it was shameful for anyone. Yes started early but they were loving and supportive and it was an overall good experience for them both (since broke up amicably). I wouldn't be surprised if family members gossiped about our lax parenting later though.

Probably go against the grain here but I'd say something to the friends and/or their DH along the lines of:

'Hmm, I know I shared this with you and I assumed in confidence from mum to mum.. a bit creepy for the husbands to be discussing about a 15 year old girl'.

The DHs are trying to shame you and your daughter with their gossip and really it's them that should be ashamed for talking about it