To be hesitant to move in with partner and adult children?

[Abby23]

hi and thx for listening. Sorry for long post.,I really need balanced advise here..

been with my partner a few years now. We are both in our mid and late 50’s. We are v happy and we both have reasonably decent jobs. We are getting married in the summer. We have both been single parents for long periods of time, Up until now, we have maintained separate homes and see each other most weekends and go on family trips together. We all generally get on.

my kids are 13 and 30. 30 yo lives on his own and has done since a few years after uni. So I live alone with my young teenage daughter.

his kids are 29, 25 & 17. All live at home. I must add they are lovely kids and they do adore me and vv.

all kids get on…

partner and I are about to buy a house. He wants to get a 5-6 bed to accommodate all kids. I’m not so sure. I’m happy to live with him and our teenagers but that’s it. Besides, the strive to get a larger house will be a stretch on finances which I think will affect me too,

Am I being unreasonable?. Am I being selfish?.

the truth is I do not want to live with his adult kids. I feel it might strain the relationship, I want to be the woman of my house. his eldest is a female and is currently the madam of their household and is used to doing things her way, for example I will certainly feel uncomfortable to tell her to do dishes if she leaves them in the sink etc

both older kids are working. The oldest one has a professional job. No 2 finished his masters 2 years ago and is still seeking a grad job but is working non the less.

i have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, its fine. He is financially responsible for them and as far as I know and he pays all the bills. He feels that I should not have any worries. After all, it is his house and if they don’t like his decisions, they should be free to fend for themselves. He feels that if they are under his roof, then they have to play by his rules ie he does not see them as adults if they still live with him.

It’s so complicated that I might just keep the relationship as is. I don’t want to cause any rifts. Plus he comes from a culture where kids never leave home unless they decide to themselves or get married.

any advise please? Thank you

Jeeze, that's a bit extreme of him. I'm really sorry he's reacted that way, but I'm afraid it's another red flag to add to the many.

I think you are wise thinking again. You referred in your op to him reassuring you that you would all be living in "his house and his rules." Er, no. If you are getting married and buying a new place it's supposed to be your (pl) house and your rules.

Its lovely that you all get on so well, but his picture of marriage seems to be you fitting into his way of doing things, rather than a planned future for you both.

He said his children are part of him and that the relationship is over if that’s my stance if they were primary aged maybe not pushing 30!!!
Lucky escape there OP, before you became the meal ticket for 3 adults.

His kids may well love you and you may well love them but who wants to start married life with adult kids in tow, and who wants to fund adult kids who are well able to sort themselves out. I think he’s realising you won’t be his financial backstop and will get increasingly stroppy until you either give in or call it a day. He should be able to hear your perfectly reasonable misgivings without going nuclear.

Well that escalated quickly OP but it’s a massive red flag that if his kids can’t have access to your home and finances, then he’s no longer interested.

I think he’s well and truly shown his hand here and there’s ££££££ in his eyes

That is very extreme of him. I did suspect he'd not take the news that the life he has planned isn't about to be bankrolled by you a bit badly.

So sorry that you've wasted so much of your time on him

Wow. He's just shown his true colours.

You had a lucky escape there @Abby23 .

He definitely thought he had everything sewn up OP, he thought he had sold it to you in a way that you wouldn't be able to refuse. When you did refuse he didn't have a plan to deal with that eventuality and so he just lost his temper.
It was pretty easy to make him show his true colors wasn't it 👊🏻😁

I think people saying you're unreasonable may be that they think kicking his kids (albeit adults) out when you get married is unfair. I sort of think that. But the far bigger picture is you shouldn't be blending with him or marrying him anyway after all your updates.

His bust up is 0-100 though with no understanding of what's the reasoning behind it.

I think you're just incompatible and leaving it where it's landed is the best option for you and your DD.

OP, was just about to post this to you.

‘I think you could argue the point with him that as his children are all adults, this should surely be the time for him downsize and consolidate his finances to prepare for retirement rather than go for an even bigger house with the expectation that you take on the big mortgage entirely in your name. If he loves you as much as you believe and if he is worthy of your love, then he will understand all your reasonings and maybe think again’

I’m really glad that you posted on here and took on board the advice.
It’s a sad time for you adjusting to the reality and losing the dream.
I’m really sorry - but so happy you stood your ground. Well done for that.
All the very best to you and your dc.

I think he will be now expecting that you come crawling back begging for his forgiveness.

They will look solely at your income for affordability though. As a single parent on 36k with 225k deposit I can borrow max 55k. That's for a 3 bedroom house with proportional council tax and utility bills. I don't have any debts , excellent credit history

No idea what houses cost where you are but you will probably find you can't borrow a huge amount unless you're on a much higher salary .

Also the 300k he's contributing would be a gifted deposit so that would probably complicate matters especially as he lives in the house with dependents.

I wouldn't combine finances in your situation.

Hello OP - I've been following this and I'm really sorry things have come to this. What really jumped out at me from your original post was this: "I have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, it's fine." But apparently if you don't want to, that's not fine? It seems like he had a future in his head that was focused around the benefit to him and his children. When you have said that this doesn't really work for you and your children, he's said the relationship is over. It's a horrible shock but it sounds like you've had a lucky escape. Sending you good wishes for the future.

Wow, you’re well out of this situation.
I’m sorry, but he’s deluded if he genuinely thinks that his adult children are still “part of him.” The older two are fully fledged adults and he’s not doing them any favors by infantalising them. I hope that he realizes this soon.

I agree - don't move in with him

Don't marry him either

He has shown his true colours. Do you really want his adult DC living with you until you die ?
I know you say you love him, but it's all on his terms.

I'm so sorry OP but am very pleased you found this out about him now rather than when you had a giant mortgage tied around your neck and he had access to half your assets.

The fact that your feelings are unimportant to him are very telling. It's about him and his kids, if we take his word for it. Although he could well have planned for you to be saddled with the large mortgage for his home and his kids when his 'new business venture' went south. I think you have had REALLY lucky escape.

I think it's a typical con artist trick to get people to think they have more money than they do and that they are very generous. Based on all the info you have given I would be very wary trusting this guy. I fully expect him to come up with a new strategy to put his plan back in place if you don't back down to his ultimatum. Be prepared and warned!! Expect to hear that can't live without you, all understanding of your position (for a short amount of time that he won't tell you about) etc.

So sorry you are going through this! xx

That tells you everything you need to know, sorry you had to find this out.

Don't back down.

I imagine he's expecting you to cave in.

Blimey! Well if he can throw away your whole relationship that easily then you've made the right choice clearly!

He was banking on that, wasn't he.

From 'can't afford to pay my way on the holiday I splurged on' to 'I've got 300K for a deposit' is a very big leap.

You've pulled the lid off something of a mess here, I think, and you would have been the handy solution to it all - while also being bottom of the household pile, with your daughter.

I'm sorry this is happening but it can only be for the best.

From 'can't afford to pay my way on the holiday I splurged on' to 'I've got 300K for a deposit' is a very big leap

That kind of leap woukd need sone cola ones but I really hope the OP doesn't stay for an explanation and that truly enlightening phone call was the end

He's not the man you thought he was, but better you've found out now and not when you're saddled with a huge great mortgage round your neck or bankrolling his failed business venture.

Don't back down.

Don't marry him.

Just take care of yourself and your lovely DD. Maybe spend some of that money that "D"P was so keen to share in having a little holiday just the two of you.

As with other PP’s, my thoughts are that this extreme reaction of his has nothing to do with his adult children and more to do with the fact that you will no longer be providing the financial stability he was banking on.

Massive red flag OP. I think you may have inadvertently stumbled across something he is trying to cover up.

If this isn’t the end for the 2 of you (as I’m sure he will calm down and come grovelling) please do demand full financial transparency from him regarding his finances before you make any further commitment. As others have said upthread, it’s nice and easy to get married when you’re young and neither of you has anything. Quite different getting married in your 50’s with assets, pensions, debts and dependents thrown into the mix.

I KNEW this would happen.

I’m so sorry you are going through this op but you were really brave to put the phone down and I applaud you,

It is very much HIS loss and he really has shown his true colours tonight.

Plus it demonstrates that your instincts were spot on to be wary!

If he only wants the relationship on his terms then it’s not really worthy of the name.

Please keep strong! 💪