To be hesitant to move in with partner and adult children?

[Abby23]

hi and thx for listening. Sorry for long post.,I really need balanced advise here..

been with my partner a few years now. We are both in our mid and late 50’s. We are v happy and we both have reasonably decent jobs. We are getting married in the summer. We have both been single parents for long periods of time, Up until now, we have maintained separate homes and see each other most weekends and go on family trips together. We all generally get on.

my kids are 13 and 30. 30 yo lives on his own and has done since a few years after uni. So I live alone with my young teenage daughter.

his kids are 29, 25 & 17. All live at home. I must add they are lovely kids and they do adore me and vv.

all kids get on…

partner and I are about to buy a house. He wants to get a 5-6 bed to accommodate all kids. I’m not so sure. I’m happy to live with him and our teenagers but that’s it. Besides, the strive to get a larger house will be a stretch on finances which I think will affect me too,

Am I being unreasonable?. Am I being selfish?.

the truth is I do not want to live with his adult kids. I feel it might strain the relationship, I want to be the woman of my house. his eldest is a female and is currently the madam of their household and is used to doing things her way, for example I will certainly feel uncomfortable to tell her to do dishes if she leaves them in the sink etc

both older kids are working. The oldest one has a professional job. No 2 finished his masters 2 years ago and is still seeking a grad job but is working non the less.

i have expressed my concerns to DH. He wants them to live with us but says that if they don't want to, its fine. He is financially responsible for them and as far as I know and he pays all the bills. He feels that I should not have any worries. After all, it is his house and if they don’t like his decisions, they should be free to fend for themselves. He feels that if they are under his roof, then they have to play by his rules ie he does not see them as adults if they still live with him.

It’s so complicated that I might just keep the relationship as is. I don’t want to cause any rifts. Plus he comes from a culture where kids never leave home unless they decide to themselves or get married.

any advise please? Thank you

Ha ha, I just voted to add to the 90% who thought she was not being unreasonable.

OP, carry on as you are. Do not live and do not marry. You know yourself you and your DD are the only losers in this.

His money management is questionable.

@Abby23 we are of similar age and have a dd the same age. You've done bloody well for yourself - you earn well and you are financially independent. Your ds is also doing well.

But we are mature enough to know that marriage isn't really about love and romance. Marriage is essentially financial contract.

I would go as far as saying that no woman should give up/ scale back her career to raise children without the security of marriage.

But you won't be having joint children. So don't get married. Stay as you are. You can have the fulfilling relationship but beware that his financial position may well mean that you bankroll his retirement.

Who also won't want another adult moving in

Please don't marry him. No reason why you can't carry on living separately and unmarried.

Aargh. Typo. I'd be amazed if anyone voted that you ARE being unreasonable, after reading those posts.

Keep separate households. You can still marry him if you really want to but don't move in with him until his adult children are independently established and you can have a nice 2/3bed home. He has every right to prioritise his children over you but that means you have to prioritise yourself, and your own DC, over him. Don't move in on these terms.

I don't think you're unlucky, you just need to keep the status quo

Hold off living together till all your children are off your hands - move nearer if you want to now.

Get him to get his finances on an even keel and sensible so he has pension provision. Any chance he can make his kids more self-sufficient?

And get legal advice to make sure you keep your finances watertight for your family if necessary

Big red flags.
Do not get married.
Do not purchase a house for him and his kids.
Retain your independence and maintain your financial security for yourself and for your own kids.

I really would draw a line and say actually you need to continue with your own space for now whilst your DD is still growing into a young woman and you feel it would be rash to upset your lives right now.

And revisit this in 5 years time.

If he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you he will wait

Yes, this. I feel for your DD as 13 is a tricky time anyway, and then sharing a house with adult strangers?

All of this. I have a 13yo and I've decided I will not live with anyone else until she is at least 18.

Don't do it. Why aren't they contributing financially? You'd be subsidising these adults, as well as having to share your space with them.

@LAMPS1 Thank you. Marriage can be postponed even though he doesn’t know it yet. Nothing big has been planned in any case. Just family on a beach somewhere!. I guess I’m being naive not considering the potential problems ahead given the current situation.

I feel so damn unlucky when it comes to love

A bit naive perhaps OP but better than being a complete fool and finding out how utterly devastating it would be to your future to marry him.

The death of your previous Fiancé must have been awful but don't let it make you make stupid decisions now

That's a very small percentage and nothing to worry yourself about. You're making sensible decisions rather than going with your heart and regretting it later.

Your decision to keep things separate and as they are for now is the right decision because as you said you and your daughter will end up disadvantaged, you are moving in with them and there will be a power struggle with his adult children. Tell him you will reconsider when the kids move and put and start living independently.

And frankly I wouldn't even get married and just keep it as is. Note that there is a chance he may get upset and your decision affects your relationship or even ends it but it's better than the alternative which will leave you resentful and unhappy.

I understand your emotions around wanting to get married but I'm not sure what the benefits really are for you. I think that having a later life partner but living separately and keeping financial affairs separately is a wonderful arrangement. You can still love someone and spend your time with them without being married or sharing a roof. I love the idea of that personally. Generally marriage at a younger age has the purpose of combining finances to be able to afford a home, and possibly starting a family. In later relationships that's not a factor, and where you both have children, could cause a lot of complications when it comes to inheritance. Why not just carry on as you are, as it seems like it's working. If he's against that then look carefully at his reasons why.

Listen, you will get 10% of respondents saying you're unreasonable if you complain about being punched in the head.

Regarding a beach wedding - it sounds so romantic, doesn't it, and if you and he were both 25 and at the start of your working and financial lives, that would be fine. Marriage is a legally binding contract - you are technically business partners. You have to take the romance out of it when you've got assets and children, and focus on what's best for you and the kids.

I don't think you're unlucky in love because you've found a man that you love and presumably loves you too.
It's just that you wouldn't just be marrying him, you'd be effectively marrying his children too!
It's just not a feasible set up right now and as you've realised, you'd be better off keeping your own property and carrying on as you are.
His kids are CFers though, living rent free and thinking this would be a good idea!

These are people who believe that women ought to defer to men, and that if they don't they are selfish.
The truth is that men will exploit you if they have any leverage over you, especially old-fashioned ones such as you describe your partner to be.
I think it's perfectly possible to have a relationship with such a man provided you do not let him have any power over you. Then again if he feels it is right and normal for a man to have control over a woman he may not accept a situation in which he has no power over you🤷🏻‍♀️

Many years ago I was presented with an unappealing offer. I was told 'we' needed a five bedroomed house. That's one room for us, one each for his children and one each for the two children I had not yet agreed to have with him.

I was given a monthly breakdown of what he expected me to contribute. He'd kindly factored in my 'share' of his child maintenance payments and his car. I had to admire the bare faced cheek. It was about double what it cost me to live on my own! I told him to foxtrot oscar and moved on with my life.

He found a replacement very quickly of course. Last I heard they were horribly overcrowded in his existing 3 bed with his kids, her kids and now one of their own. His eldest daughter then got pregnant, adding to the brood.

OP you also need to consider grandchildren. They aren't always planned. You could end up with three generations in the house or at the very least grandparenting duties and babysitting. If they can't afford a house now, having children wouldn't make that easier.

I'm inclined to think that part of the reason this man has allowed his adult children to live with him for so long is that he fully expects he can maneuver @Abby23 into going along with his plans.
I wonder what will happen with his extended family setup once he realizes this is not going to happen?

You can still be happy together without getting married, OP. As a PP said, you’re financially incompatible and your children (and you) will come off worst if you get married.

Just keep things as they are and let his family sort themselves out.

OP it's not selfish to protect your financial position. It's sensible. You seem to me as though you're doing well. Decent salary and a strong foundation for yourself and your children. Don't destabilise that for him.

If he's borrowing from you and can't get a mortgage on a sizable six figure salary then there's something wrong here. You've already experienced being the piggy bank. The fact he can pay you back on payday is irrelevant. No one on that salary should be running short of cash.

OP there's a reason no bank will lend him money. It's the same reason you shouldn't lend to him or sub him either. They know something you don't. Trust their judgement.

The larger house is only on the table if you pay for it. You already have enough bedrooms for everyone, they're just spilt across two houses. No move necessary from my point of view ❤

In your shoes there is absolutely no way I would marry him. Enjoy the relationship and companionship but do not jeopardize yourself by becoming legally and financially entwined via a contract. It's not worth the risk.

That's an interesting perspective. I think that once he realises that hopefully the OP isn't marrying him or taking on a mortgage for him, things might rapidly change, not just in how he treats his DC but maybe in how he treats her too. Especially if the opinion of others is so important to him. My guess is that he can no longer afford hos current housing and the OP is his Golden Ticket so that he can save face with his extended family and continue to live past his means.

Thanks all. Well we have just had a big bust up. In a nutshell. I told him I am uncomfortable with moving in with his adult children. He said I have nothing to worry about as the kids love me. He said his children are part of him and that the relationship is over if that’s my stance. I said that’s fine.

put my phone down and reflected that if he can’t be reasonable or listen to my concerns, are we even suited?
what a Monday!

Blimey, he went from 0 to 100 pretty quickly, didn't he?

Couldn't he understand why someone might not want to live with adult children who are freeloading off their dad?