Happier without wife

[SpunkyAmberReader]

My wife and I were both born here but our parents immigrated here. Her parents still have a large family back 'home' are travel back there frequently. Over the past few years, they've required some help travelling and my wife is the one who travels with them, as she is the one child who is a SAHM. Occasionally, our children will travel with them but usually the trips are during term time, so they tend to stay home with me.

She travelled for 3 weeks in November and has gone this Friday for a week.

I've realised that I am much happier when she's gone. I am more relaxed, happier, looking forward to the weekend etc. The house is peaceful; no one is shouting, complaining. I don't have to pretend to be interested in her friends' problems and I'm not on edge wondering if I say or do the wrong thing. One is going to moan that I left the milk out or the cereal box. It's a chill life.

Our children are both in the later stages of primary school, and are fairly self sufficient. We have a cleaner who does the house work and will help with the school run if required.

I shouldn't feel this way. Is it reasonable to feel this way.

The mental load on MN is quite something. I have no problem with SAHMs, but pretending some of the jobs are full-time work is what makes people not take them seriously.

I can't even see why people are objecting so strongly to the OP's discontent though, when he says he's looking after the children for weeks at a time by himself and holding down a FT job.
Presumably this evens out whatever load we think his wife is carrying, that he's not. Unless she's taking the load overseas with her?

@SpunkyAmberReader , what are you planning to do to address the issues in your relationship? Being happier when your wife is away, getting bored / irritated by her existence and resenting her being at home all day are not the hallmarks of a good relationship.

I know a couple of friends who got divorced because things were better/easier when their DH’s were away. Less tense and they realised that being a single parent wasn’t going to be that hard after all.

If this is really how you feel, and you don’t miss her - probably time to call it a day…

The traditional view is that a son and his wife will have to look after the son's parents.

Its the man's role to earn and it's the woman's role to look after the house, which often includes looking after her in laws. This is a very old fashioned view which most people ignore.

FYI - my parents live independently.

Sounds like she doesn’t like you either with your milk and cereal boxes 😆

People stay together for their children, understand that, but sometimes it’s better to both go and live again

I honestly don't know what else I can give. I get tired as well.

Sweet Jesus 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I pray on all things holy that SS are busy doing more important things.

DH office colleague was Malaysian, we were also friends but she complained about the cold constantly. If op wife is back in a hot country often she just may be acclimatised to it.

My DH would leave lots of stuff out of the cupboards, if I die first then this will happen if he dies first the kitchen tops will be a barren wasteland. We compromise on them currently. He would disagree about the milk though completely as do I, that just makes you an awkward wanker. You just need to walk to a windowsill so why not just walk to the fridge.

There is a low level of general unhappiness here that has devolved in to tit for tat. You haven’t said what culture nor if the marriage was arranged nor the cultures attitude to divorce. That’s the crux of the issue if any of these feature then the MN hive has to consider this. A divorce could lead to people being shunned or worse.

Totally agree.
When you tackle into 'mental load' if often just equates to:
'Instead of putting things in a diary, I try to remember it all in my head and generally lurch reactively from one planning mishap to the next, exhausting myself and frustrating everyone involved'
and
'Instead of just actioning things that need doing, I faff around a lot, over think it without actually doing anything and waste time talking to literally anyone who will listen about it... so I lose lots of time in the day not actually achieving anything, but now the task is done it feels like it was a really big thing that I should be thanked & praised for'.

And the example dentist appts.... hahahahah give me strength ffs, you literally put it in your diary for 6 months time and agree who is going to turn up with the kids at the appointed hour. Don't worry so much, you don't have to carry out the actual dentistry when you get there lol

Sons are meant to look after their parents, not the daughters.Strictly speaking, she should be looking after my parents and her brother should be looking after their parents. This is why inheritance goes to the sons and not the daughters

Except it'll be her brothers wife looking after his parents won't it, so women do all the work, men get all the reward. How disgusting.

Well quite. It's a very patriarchal system, and when people say 'in other countries they don't need care homes, they look after the elderly themselves' this is what it means. However, in the OP's case, he has said his parents are independent. The wife is accompanying her own parents to (I presume) India. She was born and educated in the UK.

It was a general comment taking into account everything.

If OP feels he’s doing much more, he should get divorced.

Not sure what’s so controversial about that.

I'm not familiar with arranged marriage myself but I do know people in "not great" marriages that seem to be able to hang on by having positive relationships with friends and family or by doing things outside the home that bring meaning. What does your wife do with her time? I can imagine these long haul trips back to her family might take a toll on her and make it harder to find energy to do things.

I think I agree with PP that the complaining about the cold could be a misguided attempt to elicit sympathy from you because she feels emotionally neglected.

What is the usual approach for people in your culture that aren't happily married? Is there somewhere that you could go for advice?

OP I think it's lovely that you are embracing and enjoying the periods of flying solo.

Yesterday we had a thread about a Dad who had a face like a smacked arse after a couple of hours shopping with his kids. He then described his child's birthday party as a 'ball ache'.

Today we have a Dad who's dared to say he can not only manage solo for a couple of weeks but is enjoying it and he's getting a bit of shit. I'm sure if any appointments fell on the days his wife is away, he'd figure it out the same as any solo parent would. Of course he knows that longer term single parenting is more challenging. I don't think he's suggesting that it would be plain sailing full time.

How many of the Dad's we read about on here would be happy to do this?
How many could we really trust for that length of time?

Divorce is uncommon but divorce with children is rarity - mainly because the woman wouldn't be able to find a man from the same culture who'd want a woman with children. It's a horrible attitude and one of the many ways the UK is better.

I've heard of situations where widows married her dead husband's brother, or cousin, mainly to keep the land / wealth in the same family.

This is going back decades so it's hopefully not a common practice.

Here the attitude depends on the parents. If the parents are 'liberal' and would support their daughter & she was unhappy, the divorce would be the way forward. If the parents were traditionalist, the wife would have to remain in the marriage, unless she was willing to go it alone.

Previously, the divorced husband then would usually go and have another arranged marriage with a much younger girl back home - but this doesn't really happen now. 15 years ago it was common but not so much now. I know 2 families who've tried doing this for their divorced son and they were rejected by the girls over there.

No. The son, and by extension is wife, is expected to look after his parents. I thought that was common knowledge but perhaps not.

Yes, which is why inheritance usually goes to the sons, over and above daughters.

But the reality is that some women end up taking care of their parents as the son cannot be arsed.

It sounds like you don't want to separate so what is it that you do want?

N

Not this one, obviously. He thinks his primary aged children are self sufficient and he can't even put milk in the fridge. Why are you clapping him?

Quoted the wrong post, will ask MN to delete!

What is your wife's family like?
Do you want to divorce?
Would you want to go to marriage counselling?

@sometimesmovingforwards Sounds about right 😃