Happier without wife

[SpunkyAmberReader]

My wife and I were both born here but our parents immigrated here. Her parents still have a large family back 'home' are travel back there frequently. Over the past few years, they've required some help travelling and my wife is the one who travels with them, as she is the one child who is a SAHM. Occasionally, our children will travel with them but usually the trips are during term time, so they tend to stay home with me.

She travelled for 3 weeks in November and has gone this Friday for a week.

I've realised that I am much happier when she's gone. I am more relaxed, happier, looking forward to the weekend etc. The house is peaceful; no one is shouting, complaining. I don't have to pretend to be interested in her friends' problems and I'm not on edge wondering if I say or do the wrong thing. One is going to moan that I left the milk out or the cereal box. It's a chill life.

Our children are both in the later stages of primary school, and are fairly self sufficient. We have a cleaner who does the house work and will help with the school run if required.

I shouldn't feel this way. Is it reasonable to feel this way.

Thought you said she goes due to caring responsibilities?
Does she manage those responsibilities remotely when at home and also managing all the household chores?

The house is peaceful; no one is shouting, complaining. I don't have to pretend to be interested in her friends' problems and I'm not on edge wondering if I say or do the wrong thing.

I’m going to take you at your word that she’s shouting and complaining for no reason rather than you not doing your fair share of cooking, cleaning, and admin.

A cleaner is not enough.

If you are doing the same amount and she’s shouting then I would make plans to divorce and have the kids 50/50.

OP doesn’t say she’s doing all the household chores.

What will you do then?

What leads to the shouting and complaining?

Do you think a fully grown up adult needs to be told to put the milk and cereal away?

I don’t know….i think the milk and the cereal box were telling. You say it’s just ‘milk and a cereal box’ she probably sees another job that she has to do.
Honestly, do you clean up after yourself, put your laundry in the basket, change the towels etc etc? Or do you suggest she is a nag if she points these things out?

Even with a cleaner, there is still a lot of jobs to do to keep a house and look after children. I do it (though I work 4 days) and it’s exhausting. Before you get carried away I would maybe think objectively about what you (and she) contributes.

We do one big shop a year in August for their uniform and will pick up things if and when needed, as part of our weekly shopping.

Dentists are 2 to 3 appointments in a year and take about about an hour.

We go to the GP when required.

What other appointments are there for children?

Her dad generally manages everything, plus she has help from her family, so she doesn't have any caring responsibilities towards her parents when she returns.

Do you resent her being a SAHM?
Do you think she brings anything to the family?

It doesn't mean your children are happier .
Don't cut her out just because you find it more relaxing.
Obviously in the long run if you mean to divorce then hopefully you can be the type of people who still parent full time and be civil

Its the constant complaining that is driving me mad.
If she is cold, she will need to tell me 10 times that she is cold. If she has a headache she will need to tell me 20 times that she has a headache. It's this constant, almost daily grind of having to listen.
Our kitchen is fairly cold, the milk is fine outside.

It depends really. A week or two is one thing. Forever is another!
But it does sound like you'd be happier apart, doing 50:50 with the kids.
Just make sure she is well taken care of though. She's the mother of your children and presumably gave up a career to take care of them.
Good luck.

Why is she a SAHM?

Did she have a career before children? What’s the plan for the next few decades? Being a SAHM to older children is a bit of a thankless role in our society. What does she want to do? What were you both expecting of your life together?

I think what you’ve outlined sounds really sad. There’s no detail so it’s hard to know what the issues really are. You don’t sound like you appreciate her - whether that’s because you may not have a clue about all the stuff she does in the week or because she does nothing to be appreciated for is not clear.

If she’s doing nothing that’s probably pretty soul destroying, no sense of accomplishment and nothing but trivial stuff that doesn’t matter to focus on. Which brings me back to the question of - Why is she a SAHM?

All right, things sound pretty sad. Is she aware you don’t like her much?
If not, it’s probably time to have a frank conversation so she can start looking for a job and get ready for a divorce.

In all honesty, yes. I feel I do more than her and my contribution is ignored.

This and I think alot of people might 'enjoy' the time when their partner is away!
You need to think LT OP and your children are very young

People manage as single parents all the time. You can hardly expect OP to stay in an unhappy marriage because someone needs to book dentists appointments.

In answer to your question there's a lot you haven't covered:

• play dates/clubs/ subs admin
• teacher conferences and knowing how they're doing in different subjects so you know where to push for extra support
• homework to assist with or monitor
• emotional support re: friendships (they may automatically go to her, not you, with this)
• food prep and meal planning, and food shopping
• shopping for all materials that they need for all the projects from school etc
• remembering their friends' birthdays ans buying gifts etc
• taking them to social events eg birthday parties (often requires juggling as they need to be in different places at the same time)
• managing any long term illness or needs eg diarising symptoms, checking in with specialists etc
• managing uniform ans out of work clothes: buying/awapping/ l

-laundry (it's at least a load a day with 2 kids and 2 adults)

• things they need for school eg world book day/ tree of life bags/ donations for this that or the other fundraiser/ reminding them which day is uniform day etc

And loads I've forgotten.

If you feel like she's nagging she's probably really miserable too. Something isn't right. If she's saying she has a headache 20 times it's because she doesn't feel heard the first 19.

I suspect you would both be happier separated but to make that work and for you to have an ongoing relationship with your children you really do have to do your 50 per cent when you're living apart. Otherwise the kids won't be interested in you once they reach adulthood.

That wasn't the point in the slightest. OP sounds like he does fuck all for the children, he thinks they are self sufficient. Put that with the fact that he says she shouts and complains for absolutely no reason....makes me think maybe she shoulders the entire mental load for the family and has every reason to be giving out to him, he just refuses to listen or do anything.

She’s sounds like an utter nag and a complete bore.

As often said on here, you only get one life and you deserve to be happy.
You don’t need permission to divorce her.

There is nothing unreasonable about feeling happier and more relaxed when you can take a break from everyday life.

Sometimes living with other people, even those we love dearly can be the pits!

Enjoy your break

You think your primary aged children are self sufficient?

Blimey. No wonder your wife gets annoyed with you.

Tbh this is a more succinct way of saying it

Sure they are self sufficient. They buy their own shoes and make their own dentist appointments.

Does she? It does she sound like a woman who has a lazy mean husband who never listens to a word she says?

Men call women nags when those women ask them to do what they should be already doing.

Is it possible she’s repeating these things because you’re not being kind or caring towards her and she’s trying to get you to actually give a shit?

Just a suggestion.