Happier without wife

[SpunkyAmberReader]

My wife and I were both born here but our parents immigrated here. Her parents still have a large family back 'home' are travel back there frequently. Over the past few years, they've required some help travelling and my wife is the one who travels with them, as she is the one child who is a SAHM. Occasionally, our children will travel with them but usually the trips are during term time, so they tend to stay home with me.

She travelled for 3 weeks in November and has gone this Friday for a week.

I've realised that I am much happier when she's gone. I am more relaxed, happier, looking forward to the weekend etc. The house is peaceful; no one is shouting, complaining. I don't have to pretend to be interested in her friends' problems and I'm not on edge wondering if I say or do the wrong thing. One is going to moan that I left the milk out or the cereal box. It's a chill life.

Our children are both in the later stages of primary school, and are fairly self sufficient. We have a cleaner who does the house work and will help with the school run if required.

I shouldn't feel this way. Is it reasonable to feel this way.

My DH and two DS are not shit men.
I don’t experience shit men as friends.

You clearly have a massive issue with men, that’s your issue and don’t bring your misandry issues to me.

Your posts are just fill of massive anger about men, probably from your life experiences, but not everyones.

Agree. Also if she is a sahm to school age children she should be booking the dentist appointments and doing the shopping etc. She has 5 hours a day to book dentist appointments. OP do you think she is happy in this role. My mum retired early and spent most of her time shouting at my dad for leaving the house, but then he just left the house more often. I think she was just bored.

Your wife repeating these things sounds like she's looking for something she's not getting from the first time she says it. Love? Affection? Genuine sympathy? All of the above?

Nothing is left to fester. The milk gets used up in a day. The house is spotless.

She’s probably an intelligent woman bored to tears at home, maybe not even consciously. People tend to become querulous when they are bored and their confidence starts to drop.
Please encourage her to get a job @SpunkyAmberReader doesn’t have to be a career that sets the world alight. Just something for her. Might be worth trying before you separate?
@minipie I am absolutely LOLing at the idea that a man working FT and paying for cleaners and holidays for his wife should also be rushing getting her painkillers and putting the heating on for her. I mean FGS. Would you really be telling a FT working mum the same thing about her SAHD? No you would not, you’d be outraged and telling OP to leave him. The double standards here at not just ridiculous they have gone so far they feel satirical. Please can we all engage our brains, it’s embarrassing.

Quite frankly if my other half was a SAHP to children of upper primary school age and I was sole earner, and they were nagging and complaining constantly too, I'd resent it. Sounds like you need to have a really honest serious talk. Either things change or you separate. It sounds like it would take a massive change though, it's going to be hard for her to shift from being a constant complainer to chilling out. And if she's simultaneously having to start pulling her weight with earning then that's probably going to make it even harder for her. She's used to being a SAHM with the kids at school and being self sufficient with stuff like getting up, brushing teeth, packing bags. That's a damn easy life compared to going out to work.

Exactly all this!

If the roles were reversed, then he’d be called a man child for such behaviour, which of course would be correct! But somehow a woman acting like this is endearing……not.

I agree, it's embarrassing

After a few flirtations on a dating app and then a nasty exchange about it with a woman who is quite possibly bonkers, I'm feeling blessed to be single. I really cannot cope with the aggro and heartache relationships bring when they turn sour.

Neither of you sound happy, happy people don't nag, and it sounds like the milk has become a power struggle between you.
She sees it as proof that you don't respect her because teaching children to put away the things they use instead of expecting someone else to clean it up is a basic skill we teach children.
You feel it's 'your' milk, as in it's a small carton that will all be used up soon so what's the harm and you feel that as you buy it and I assume am the main one who uses it, that you should be able to do as you please.

I'm getting the impression you think your wife is ungrateful, she is not working, she has a cleaner and whatever else the situation may be. However, she also has a husband who doesn't seem to love her or value her and you say she wouldn't marry you if she was making the choice again. Most people wouldn't be happy in that situation.

It's not a race to the bottom, one of you doesn't have to prove you're unhappier, but acknowledging these things may help you feel less resentful towards your wife for not being as happy and grateful as you think she should be.

And btw, another aspect of single parenthood to juggle that I haven't seen you address is taking time off work when they're sick.
And your kids are fairly likely to do some sort of regression when they become teens in regards to getting up and ready for school, doing their homework, washing and bathing without being asked, keeping their rooms tidy.

If the kids don't have particular SEN or medical needs, that's not a big load and can be managed easily by a working parent. Including things like uniform buying, which takes me an hour a year at most for two DC, makes it feel like you're scratching around for things to list.

Totally agree. Or even encourage her to do a course that would lead to a job. The ' life admin' lists of tasks and housework is mind numbingly boring and repetitive. No wonder shes complaining. It's not about the cold etc it's because she is unhappy in general. Looking after her parents and helping them is probably change from her norm. She gets to feel useful again. If the ' home country' is somewhere like India, they have servants even in middle income homes. She won't be doing much of the grunt work of cooking and cleaning there, she doesn't have to do any child admin or boring tidying, it's warm. She's probably going for her sake as much as theirs.Arranged marriages are a real lottery. You either grow to love each other, or even settle into happy companionship or you are trapped in an unhappy marriage. But then I suppose if you marry for love you can end up in the same place.

Sounds like neither of you are happy, the fact that she nags and goes away for weeks shows that. I guess it depends if you both want your marriage to work or not.
You need to have an honest conversation with her when she’s back and decide if you want to stay together. If you do then I’d go to couples counselling as it’s clear neither of you are communicating what you need. If not, then you move on separately.

Do you fancy her? Do you have fun/laugh together? Do you think your kids benefit from you being together? Is she a good mum?

You have to consider what would happen if you split. Presumably they would live with her and visit you as she is the primary carer, (except when visiting family) how would you feel about that?

And why don't you put the milk away?!?

Amused by all these kinds of posts - OP, you must miss your wife more than you think if you've come onto mumsnet to get hassled to death about the milk.

It sounds like you know what you want to do and YANBU.

Agree. Most people do that while working. I know I do. Arranging sleepovers for older primary aged children can be done on the sofa over WhatsApp.

This thread is a hard read.

It appears most MN users seem to hate men and god forbid it’s the wife who is in the wrong in some way?

The comments about how the husband should get paracetamol for his wife if she says she has a a headache, or put the heating on if she says she’s cold….I mean WTF?! I’m assuming the wife is a grown woman who is capable of doing these things for herself?! If this was the other way round and the woman was expected to do these jobs in response to her husband’s complaints, he’d be slaughtered and called a man-child or something similar. This place is so so hypocritical at times.

I way I see it, is that OP provides financially for the family and is quite capable of working full time and caring for his children on his own for weeks at a time. Whereas his wife is a SAHM with a cleaner and goes abroad for weeks at a time, leaving her children behind, and the marriage problems are all the OP’s fault purely because he’s a man.

Sounds to me like the wife has the easier life of the two of them……and I say this as a SAHM without a cleaner. Yes “life admin” does exist but to compare the pressure of it to working a full time job is laughable! When I think about all the “Life Admin” jobs that exist within my world I fail to see how his wife would be drowning in such jobs, especially when she has a cleaner to take that burden away from her. I’d be loving life if my day between school hours consisted of nothing but “life admin” .

If Life Admin was such a heavy weight on her shoulders then I doubt she’d have the freedom to disappear abroad for weeks on end.

I honestly think there’s no worse term in the world than “Life Admin” when referring to the hardship of being a parent - it’s just ‘stuff’ that every person in life has to do, whether they have children or not, or whether they work or not.

Anyway….back on topic.

OP, you clearly aren’t happy and that’s fine.

I’m sorry that the social construct you live within that believes in arranged marriages, and comes with stigma attached to divorce, means that you and your wife don’t have the freedom to make choices that other couples make I.e to separate.

I hope you find an answer to your difficulties.

ps) the milk thing would really bother me too though. My husband is always leaving stuff out on the kitchen work surfaces and it drives me mad!

I agree with the above @SpunkyAmberReader and some of the comments are harsh.
The crux of the matter is do you want to split the family, move out and see your kids every other week and support two homes?
she is probably also deeply unhappy and it’s coming out as lots of complaints. She probably feels less and less needed by you and the children but it sounds like she has done a good job so far as a mother as your children are able to do a lot for themselves, are helpful and the house is run efficiently.

Now it’s the next stage for you both. life on your own is HARD … can you talk honestly with her and support to her find something fulfilling outside the home? Can you try marriage guidance too where you can explain how you’re both feeling? have you ever been happy together?

Or maybe OPs wife is a fully functioning adult who could just go get her own painkillers. I've lived with a whinger it's exhausting you tend to swith off after a while is called compassion fatigue. If your bot happy OP try and see if you can work through hints with support if that isn't suitable then part ways.

I really think some people don't understand how difficult it is to go against cultural expectations in a situation like this, and I'm not in a position to judge personally.

Observationally however, if the expectation is that OPs wife "should be" a SAHM then she's fulfilled that role and additionally the expectation that she should be the help meet for wider family who live in another country. It's going to be a huge pressure to expect her to just cut her losses, divorce, get a job, and be a single co-parent because those cultural expectations can't easily be dismissed. I don't think it's as simple as expecting her to "get over herself" because other people do. If she has had precious little agency over her own life she would have to build those skills.

I do wonder if the OP has really considered the reality of permanent separation. His expectations aren't being met obviously but I think the whole situation requires a complete re-examination. Realistically would OP really just single parent like a champ sans the irritation of his wife's presence, or would a more amenable replacement be found rather quickly, which is a common theme that crosses cultures of course.

I think the point is that women are often expected to "make things work" for everyone but if they don't or can't they can be blamed, shamed and ostracised anyway but even moreso in some cultures. Unfortunately there is a sense of the OPs wife appearing to be dispensable due to "nagging" etc however, the reality is far more complex. It's very sad for all concerned.

OP, you picked the wrong website to have an open, balanced and rational conversation about how useless and annoying your wife seems to be.

I think you just want to come here to vent about your wife. It's obvious you don't respect nor value her. What a sad situation for your children: you seem so oblivious to their emotional needs (all you mention is material, and you talk as if you have a check list and as long as you tick the boxes, no one can demand anything else). With all due respect, you seem emotionally stunted. I'm sorry you are all in this sad situation, but especially your children.

Sons are meant to look after their parents, not the daughters.
Strictly speaking, she should be looking after my parents and her brother should be looking after their parents. This is why inheritance goes to the sons and not the daughters.

Why should she be looking after your parents if it’s the son’s job? Doesn’t that mean you should be looking after them?

Her parents live here. They go back home regularly and they need someone to travel with them, so my wife goes as she is the only sibling who doesn't work.